


Unknown Caller

by AverageEpaulet



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Announcement of death through a phone call, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Blood, Cliffhangers, Dark, Dark fic, Death, Disturbing Themes, Ending won't be a cliffhanger, Everyone Needs A Hug, F/M, HEA, Hurt/Comfort, I promise, I've never written anything like this and I'm scared, Kidnapping, Miscarriage, Not a typical story, Phone Calls, Pregnancy, Rape, Rey Needs A Hug (Star Wars), Trauma, When I say it's dark I mean it, author needs a hug, mention of suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-26
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:54:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 15
Words: 59,792
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27727114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AverageEpaulet/pseuds/AverageEpaulet
Summary: "Ben- please, I'm scared, I don't know where I am, it's cold and wet and-""Please stop calling me, it's not funny.""No, Ben-"He hung up.Ben had been getting that call for weeks now, a distressed woman that sounded like his wife.Except his wife had been missing for 10 years.
Relationships: Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 762
Kudos: 689
Collections: Ijustfellintothissendhelp, Reylo Prompt Fills (@reylo_prompts)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning: Talk of suicide, kidnapping, alcohol abuse
> 
> Hello everyone! Please read this before moving on to the fic :) 
> 
> So uh- this is different. If you're familiar with my work, I'm more the fluffy fluff fluff kind of writer and well- to put it short, this is not. There will be several trigger warnings, and I'll try to tag them, but I'll still add a trigger warning in each chapter just in case. This is gonna get dark and angsty, but I promise a happy ending so that is something to look forward to. I've never written anything quite like this so I'm a little nervous about posting this, but here goes nothing.  
> Also, this is not based on real life, but my heart goes out to the people who might have had similar experiences. 
> 
> Anyway, just wanted to get that out of the way before we begin, enjoy ♥
> 
> And also a special thanks to @Ressessess who made the original picture prompt on twitter :)

The clock on the pale, yellow-ish wall was ticking to the tune of his headache. It was quite possibly the loudest sound in the world, or at least that’s what it felt like. He hadn’t slept in a while. 

Correction: Ben Solo had slept, there just wasn’t any rest in his alcohol induced unconsciousness. 

“Why are you here today, Ben?” The therapist sat across from him. Ben knew her well. She was an older woman with graying hair and coke-bottle glasses. She hadn’t aged in the past ten years, which led him to believe that she had to be much older than she seemed. Her face was in a permanent look of pondering. Ben had met her once a week for nine years, right until last year, when he’d stopped coming. This was their first meeting since. 

“My mother insisted.” 

“Why is that?” Maz Kanata was her name. She tipped her head, correcting her glasses. Ben liked her. She was a therapist, sure, but she was just the right amount of no-bullshit that Ben didn’t get too annoyed by her. 

“Because she thinks this is the year I jump off a bridge.” 

Maz Kanata nodded thoughtfully. Ben could tell she was examining every little gesture he was making, how his hands were positioned, how his feet were crossed. They’d known long enough to be comfortable in each other’s company, but right then Ben would have preferred if he didn’t have to face her. She was looking at his red eyes, the dark circles around them. He knew that she’d undoubtedly smelled the alcohol before he’d even sat down. It had been a terribly long week, even though it was only Wednesday. 

“Are you going to?” 

It was the type of question Ben would not have tolerated from anyone else claiming to be a mental health professional, but Maz Kanata was special. She knew Ben well enough to not circle around the question. She wasn’t going to get answers that way. Not because Ben wasn’t willing to talk, but because he hated being treated with silk gloves. She knew that he wasn’t going to take offence. 

Ben had to consider. If he was going to off himself, he would have done it five or six years ago. Now it had already been so long it seemed beyond the point. No, he wasn’t about to kill himself. Not intentionally anyway - he wouldn’t have particularly minded if one morning he didn’t get up anymore, but he wasn’t tying himself to a ceiling fan or resorting to any other drastic measures. 

“Why should I?” He almost grinned, because he knew Maz didn’t like his answer. 

“That was not the question, Ben.” She switched one leg over the other one. “Is there a reason your mother thinks you might?”

“It could have something to do with the fact that my wife disappeared ten years ago tomorrow. Even numbers and all that. Would make a nice story line, wouldn’t it?” 

Maz Kanata remained unamused by his sarcasm. She said it was a defense mechanism, and Ben knew that as well. It didn’t mean he was about to drop it. 

“Is that why you’re drinking again?” 

Objectively Ben knew the answer wasn’t in the bottom of a bottle and most of the time he lived according to that knowledge. He hadn’t had a drink all year, but two days ago he’d come to the realisation he wanted to keep himself in a fuzzy state all week long. His plan was going swimmingly, until his mother bursted through the door on day two of his binge and dragged him out by the ear. That was yesterday, and today he was meeting with his therapist. That hadn’t stopped him from stealing a mouthful from his father’s flask before leaving. His head was hurting so much that if he hadn’t taken a sip, he probably wouldn’t have been in a condition to talk. 

“If I was going to take a swan dive off a bridge, I’d done it a long time ago. Sober.” He couldn’t resist the urge to roll his eyes, but it only made his head hurt more. 

“Then why do you smell like alcohol? I recall you stopped drinking last year.” 

Ben’s jaw tightened. Because his wife was dead and this was the first year after he finally accepted it. First year Rey was officially dead. It had taken him nine unbearably long years to admit what others had taken as the truth after a year, after the police stopped active search. Last year this time he’d told the investigators to close the file. He stopped paying for the milk carton add. Stopped spreading flyers and stopped reposting her picture online, asking if anyone had seen her. He’d had enough. He’d bullied himself enough with false hope. His wife was dead, and he had to stop telling himself otherwise. 

“You know exactly why.” If anyone knew how his mind worked, it was the woman opposite him. 

“I do, but I’d like to hear it from you.” She leaned her chin on her first. 

Ben grumbled to himself. He wasn’t sure which was drilling his head harder, the hangover or Maz’s all seeing gaze. Either way his head was pounding and the bright LED lights burned his retinas. 

“I’m allowed to feel bad on Rey’s death day.” he rubbed his thumb and index finger over his eyelids, trying to ease the stinging. 

“You know she didn’t necessarily pass the same day she disappeared.” 

Ben’s temper flared at that. He was out of the armchair he’d been sitting on, head hovering over hers. “I don’t care! Tomorrow is the day it says on her file. The day it says on her  _ fucking _ headstone!” 

Maz did not flinch a bit at his outburst, even though Ben Solo was not by any means a small man. Many would have considered him fairly intimidating, but not Maz Kanata. 

“No need to shout, Ben. I might be old, I’m not deaf.” she stated calmly, looking up at him, and watched his exterior crumble piece by piece. Ben Solo was not a violent person, nothing of the sort. He was an emotional being. He felt in tidal waves, sadness, joy, anger, unable to hide any of it. They’d worked on a lot of it during the past years, and he’d done well in that front. 

Ben backed, slowly, sitting to the chair he’d jumped out of and gripped his head from both sides. It hurt so fucking much. 

He’d been doing fine. He got a stable job and nice coworkers. He’d even gone on a date during the past year, it had been awful, ending in a bland, awkward kiss that neither of them had enjoyed, but it still counted. 

Two days ago it had all come back to him. All the pain and guilt, like the whole years worth had hit him at once with the realisation that it had in fact been a year. A year during which he was feeling better. A year during which he hardly even thought about Rey, and the moment he realised that he was moving on, the pain hit like a train. His liver took the toll so that his heart didn’t have to, or that’s what he told himself, but so far no amount of alcohol had been able to shut out the torturing reality. 

“Ben, you really should get some sleep.” 

“I can’t sleep-” he wheezed, hand clamping over his mouth. “I thought closing the file would help- I thought-” he shook his head, unable to turn all he was carrying with him into words. “When will it stop hurting?”

Rey Solo disappeared ten years ago, on a not so particular afternoon. She’d left work the usual time but she never arrived home. Ben received no ransom, nothing. She vanished like into thin air, leaving nothing but a purse on the sidewalk with her ID and wallet in there. There were no surveillance camera records from that part of the sidewalk. It was like she fell from the edge of the world. 

Maz sighed deep, getting up from her seat and perching herself on the armrest of Ben’s chair. Another thing Ben wouldn’t have tolerated from any other professional, but again, Maz was special, and she was allowed to rub the space between his shoulder blades to soothe him. 

“All in time, Ben. All in time.” she spoke in a low, pleasant voice. 

“You’ve been doing so well this year. Don’t you think Rey would want you to keep going?” 

Ben huffed a teary eyed laugh. “No, she’d say she’ll come and haunt me.” 

“There isn’t much to haunt if you drown in your own vomit.” 

“Maybe so.” Ben wiped his eyes. 

Maz was a strange old woman, but Ben really liked her. He’d only stopped coming to therapy because he wanted to believe he was fine. It was a reminder that he wasn’t. Now he imagined that he might have been mistaken, and that maybe if he’d kept on visiting anyway, he wouldn’t be in so much pain now. 

  
  
  


***

  
  
  


“I want you to sleep at our place today.” Leia was behind the driver’s seat when Ben stuffed himself inside the car. His mother drove a practical old Honda, and as soon as Ben closed the door, she stepped on the gas pedal and pulled away from the parking lot. 

“I’m not going to.” Ben didn’t bother looking at her. He put on his seat belt and followed the flow of traffic. The flashing cars did not help his head. 

“You’re not going, and that’s final.” Leia’s tone suggested that it was true, even though Ben already knew there wasn’t any stopping him. “I’m not going to lose my sleep because you might-” she sounded like she was about to rant, but then she stopped, the word unsaid clear in the air. 

“Mom, you really don’t have to worry. I’m fine, remember?” 

“Oh is that we’re calling this!? Ben you can hardly stand straight! You didn’t answer your phone, and then I found you-” Leia’s hand clamped over her mouth and she had to pull the car over. She gasped for air, pressing her forehead to the steering wheel. “You’re breaking my heart, Benny..” she looked over, her eyes almost as red as his. Ben realised that she’d had to have been crying even before. 

He swallowed, reaching over to take his mother’s hand in his. He brought it up to his lips and kissed her bony knuckles. “I’m sorry.” 

Leia was still looking at him. “I know you’re hurting, but you aren’t the only one who lost someone. We lost her as well. I can’t go through that again. Not with you.” 

Ben controlled his breathing, and nodded. He knew all that. He wasn’t the only one who’d loved Rey. She’d been a part of their family long before they ever married. They got together in the third year of college, his second real girlfriend. She fell right in with his family. Ben would never forget what Han said to him after he first introduced her to his parents. After she left, Han led him to the back porch, gave him a beer and pressed his hand on his shoulder with a grin. 

“She’s a Solo if I’ve ever seen one. Don’t mess up.” 

Ben was determined not to. Even as a stupid twenty-year-old he’d know he found the love of his life. They got married five years later, on a sunny spring day by the beach. Ben was certain he’d never be as happy as he was that day, but he was, almost every day after that, he was as happy, if not more. Of course, their lives changed with growing up and becoming proper adults, life slowed down, everything fell into a domestic routine, but really Ben had no complaints about that. He was ready to be an adult with a house and a mortgage and complain about the neighbors kids messing up his lawn. 

She was a nurse while Ben worked in accounting in First Order corporations, right until their last year together. Of course, he hadn’t known it would be their last year, but it was her who finally convinced him to go after his dream of becoming an artist. Ben was good with numbers, but all he’d ever really wanted to do was paint, sculpt, really do anything that allowed him to be creative. 

That had worked out, for about six months, after which it all fell to pieces the afternoon Rey didn’t come home. 

Ben felt his eyes prickle, he had to hold it together. He’d promised himself he was done crying over her, but it was proving much more difficult than expected. He kissed his mother’s knuckles again. 

“You won’t have to. I promise.” he whispered, giving her hand a reassuring squeeze, before letting go. Leia used it to wipe her eyes and nodded with determination. 

“Good.” She gripped the steering wheel again. “But you’re not going home.” 

Ben groaned, sinking to his seat. “I’ll come over tomorrow. How’s that?” 

“Ben, please?” 

“Mom, I really, really just want to go home. I’ll be fi- nothing is happening. I won’t drink, I won’t do anything. I just don’t want to be around people right now.” 

“You promise?” Leia sighed, looking over. Ben promised, and he meant it. He doubted that his mother actually believed him, but she clearly wanted to. Of course she did, every parent wanted to believe their child wouldn’t harm themselves, but she was just being smart not entirely trusting him. Through the past decade, Ben hadn’t actually physically harmed himself - if excessive use of alcohol didn’t count. He’d had an actual problem, but he’d been sober for a year and he didn’t even miss it - if the past two days didn’t count. Ben actually liked being sober more than drunk off his ass, but he’d been in a much darker place a few years ago, than where he was now. The sad fact was that the hollow of a man he was today was actually the best he’d been doing in a long while. 

  
  
  


***

  
  


Leia left Ben off in front of his building. Ben hated his apartment, he called it a home only by accident. He’d had to move out of the actual home he’d had with Rey. He couldn’t stay there with everything. His mother had helped him organize Rey’s things, what was donated away and what was destroyed. Ben had a hard time throwing anything away by himself. 

He had a shoe box full of things he absolutely couldn’t get rid of. Her jewelry, framed pictures of their time together, the one pair of lace panties that she had and used to wear for special occasions, including their wedding. Ben still had his ring on, even though everyone kept telling him to take it off. He couldn’t. He didn’t want to, not yet, if ever. He wasn’t looking for a relationship, but even if he ever did find someone, he doubted he could ever get rid of Rey’s ring. If the new person wouldn’t understand, they weren’t worth his time. 

Leia had been merciless when it came to Rey’s clothes, packing everything into donation boxes. Ben had managed to save her college hoodie. It didn’t fit him, but he kept it clean on a hanger. It no longer smelled like her, but the soft, cuddly fabric was familiar and soothing. When he was feeling particularly upset he took it to bed with him and nuzzled it until he fell asleep. 

That night was one of those nights. 

Leia worried, and Ben could understand why. Han worried too, but he was less vocal about it, while Leia was the one banging on his door within fifteen minutes if he didn’t answer the phone. Han’s way of worrying was more about quiet analysis. He talked about casual things, but Ben could sense he was looking out for triggers, certain words or a change in tone that indicated something was off. It wasn’t the best thing either, but it bothered him less than Leia’s helicopter parenting. He would be 40 in just one short year. He’d hoped to be past the point of having his mom call every day to ask if he had had breakfast or if he had showered. 

Ben fully intended to keep his promise to Leia but then the clock hit midnight and the day changed. Ben was still awake, laying on his bed and squeezing the hoodie to his chest like a child would clutch a security blanket. He knew the bottle of whiskey was in the living room, just about calling his name. Somehow Ben managed to fall asleep without help from the burning liquid in his veins. 

He jerked awake hours later to his phone ringing. He squinted, the mechanical clock on his nightstand saying it was 3:30am. His phone usually never rang during the night, it was strange, but he answered anyway. He assumed it would be his mother making sure he was still alive. It wouldn’t have been a surprise. He answered without taking a proper look at the caller ID, and just pressed the device on his ear.

“Hello?” his voice was groggy from sleep, and he had to clear his throat. 

The line was silent, but he thought he could hear some breathing. He repeated the question. 

“Hello, is anyone there?” 

That time there was a sound. Something shifted, like bare feet hitting wet tiles. The person on the line was pacing. 

“Is this Ben Solo?” The voice belonged to a woman. It was shaky, and a little weepy and eerily familiar but Ben couldn’t place it right away. 

“Yea, who’s this?” 

A sniffle came through the call. “It’s Rey.” 

Ben’s heart dropped to his stomach. Suddenly he realised why the voice sounded so familiar - it was Rey’s voice. He just hadn’t heard it in years. 

Ben breathed in deep, his stomach squeezing and his eyes wide as he listened to the quiet breathing on the other side of the line. He exhaled slowly, swallowing down the lump that had just made a home in his throat. 

“Fuck off.” 

He hung up. 

For a good minute he kept on just focusing on his breathing. He’d gotten prank calls before, not so much lately but back when he’d done a short interview on a show about missing people, he’d gotten dozens of calls from people claiming to have seen Rey or to be Rey - they were all fake. Some sick bastard must have been onto him, calling on the day she went missing. Ben checked the ID but the number was unknown. 

He placed the phone back to his nightstand and sunk to his pillow. His heart was pounding heavily. She really had sounded like Rey. Too much actually, to be realistic - ten years would cause changes in someone’s voice. He knew better than to believe the caller. Of course she sounded like Rey, everyone sounded like Rey if he hoped enough. He was just tired and sensitive because of what day it was. That was all it was. 

Ben got up from the bed, while still clutching the hoodie under his arm. This was the exact reason he didn’t want to be sober today. He took the half a bottle of Jack he had left and settled to the sofa, taking a long swig right from the bottle. He would apologise to his mother later. 

He poured back the bottle, swallowing in large gulps. He knew that with that drinking pace the alcohol would hit hard and fast, which was perfectly fine with him. He hoped it would knock him out. He kept on downing the burning liquid, managing about one fourth before his body hit a limit and he couldn’t swallow anymore. He put the bottle on the floor and curled so that the grey hoodie was under his head when he laid down. He wasn’t sure if he was imagining the phone ringing again in the other room, but he wasn’t about to find out.   
  
  



	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The anniversary of Rey's disappearance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: Alcohol abuse, mention of suicide, vomit, bodily fluids
> 
> Hello! Okay first of all, I was simply blown away by the response to the first chapter :O Amazing, I can't thank you guys enough, I did not expect this ♥

“Ben!?” 

Later that day Leia finally managed to break the door to her son’s apartment, striding across the distance from the small mudroom to his bedroom, only to find it empty. 

“Han, he’s not here! Did you check- oh Christ.” The older woman froze to the threshold, her eyes locked to the lump of man on the floor, next to the sofa. 

The air in the two bedroom apartment was thick with the smell of alcohol and ammonia. Leia snapped her mouth shut, and walked slowly to her son, curled around an empty whiskey bottle on the floor. 

“Han, come here.” Leia squatted by his head, and to her immediate relief, when she pressed her hand to his face, he was warm, and stirred a little at the contact. At the very least he was still alive. 

Han Solo walked to the scene equally quietly, sighing when Ben’s half-unconscious figure came to sight. 

He kneeled by Ben’s head and pressed his large palm over his cheek and patted gently. The skin on Ben’s face was hot and clammy. 

“Hey kid.. wanna wake up?” Han’s voice was low and gravely, but surprisingly pleasant. 

Ben’s eyes opened slowly, but there was no presence in them. No awareness. He turned his head between Han and Leia, like his brain couldn’t comprehend the situation he was in. Then;

“Imma hurl-” 

That was all the warning Han got before Ben spilled his guts on the floor. Han managed to dodge most of it, but some still spilled on his shoes. It was yellow and foamy, and by the smell of the house there had to be more vomit hidden somewhere, but where exactly was to remain discovered. 

“Jesus..” Han stood up and stepped away from the splash zone, rubbing the back of his neck. He’d seen Ben drunk before, but it never stopped breaking his heart when he got to this condition. This wasn’t the first time they’d had to pick him back up, and Han seriously doubted it would be the last, either. Tuesday had been nothing compared to this. On Tuesday Leia had dragged Ben out by the hair on the back of his neck because he was still in a condition to walk, able to hold a conversation. Today was clearly different. 

Ben wiped his mouth on his sleeve and tried to crawl on his knees, but slumped back down, diving face first into the puddle of vomit. 

“Alright.. That’s enough. Benny?” Han knelt down and lifted Ben’s arm over his shoulder. Leia took the other side and together they got the sack of flesh that was Ben, up on two feet. He hardly supported his own weight, head hanging when they started to walk him to the bathroom. 

Ben slided to the bottom of the empty tub with his filthy clothes still on. 

Ben mumbled something Han couldn’t make out. He was about to ask when Ben reached the top half of his body over the edge of the tub and gagged. Only some came out. He dry heaved for a long time, but there was no vomit. 

“I think you got it all out”, Han sighed, sitting on the edge of the tub and rubbing his palm between his shoulder blades. Ben was pill white and shaking but his whole body was hot like he was running a fever - considering everything, he might have. 

Han took the back of Ben’s shirt and pulled it over his head and tossed to the floor. He took his pants and concluded that Ben had definitely pissed himself at some point. His pyjama pants and boxers were soaked, reeking in a way that was different from his vomit covered shirt. 

Han turned on the shower and handed Ben a bar of soap. 

“I’m keeping the door open, you wash and call for me when you need to get out.” Han said, but had no real intention of leaving his son out of his sight. He fetched a chair from the kitchen and made a post on the bathroom doorstep. 

Ben slipped around the tub, under the flow of hot water and lazily rubbed the bar of soap around, but it hardly counted as washing. At least he didn’t smell so God awful by the time he was done. He started to climb out of the tub on all fours. Han jumped in to keep him steady and save him from a broken skull.

Leia was waiting with a towel, clean clothes and breakfast cooking. Well - early dinner. It was four in the afternoon. When Ben hadn’t called or shown any sign of still being alive by two, Leia had started getting antsy and a little past three they’d driven to his apartment.

Ten minutes later Ben was sitting on the edge of his bed in clean boxers and a black v-neck t-shirt, his hair dripping water on his shoulders. They’d made him gulp down two glasses of water, but his condition looked no less horrible. 

Han sighed for the hundredth time that hour, pinching the bridge of his nose. He was getting too old to babysit his 39-year-old son. Still he did it, because what else was he supposed to do. His kid, his responsibility - no matter how old he got. 

Ben curled on his side, falling asleep the second his head hit the pillow. Han tucked the blanket over him like he’d done when Ben was still a little kid. Han didn’t leave immediately, just sat on the edge of the bed and pet Ben’s black, wet hair with a sad smile on his face. 

“What are we supposed to do with you, Benny..” 

Han was starting to get tired. He knew Leia was worried sick and probably on the verge of a breakdown. This couldn’t go on for much longer or they’d all end up in the hospital. 

“Is he asleep?” Leia appeared to the door, her arms curled around herself. Han hummed an affirming answer. Leia walked further into the room. It was filthy, dirty clothes, dishes and empty bottles spread around the floor. It looked like a dorm room, rather than an adult’s apartment. They’d found the missing puddle of vomit next to the bed. It was unclear what Ben had been up to during the whole day but by the looks of it he had moved around some, probably going from one bottle to the other. It was pure luck he hadn’t fallen and hit his head by the time Han and Leia got there.

Leia took a seat next to Han, her fingers twining on her lap. She looked upon Ben’s sleeping face. Like this, he almost appeared to be himself again. 

“Look at our baby, Han..” Leia leaned her head to meet with Han’s shoulder. “I hate that I can’t stop this from happening.” 

Han was quiet, before nodding and tipping his head to kiss the top of Leia’s. 

“Me too..” 

  
  
  


***

  
  


Ben woke up, his mouth dry like he’d swallowed a fistful of powder and a loud thumping in his head. He did not remember getting back into bed. His clothes were different as well. His last memory was of the phone call. 

The air in the room smelled strange, in a good way. Like soap and detergent, and food that didn’t come from a microwave box. 

He didn’t have time to stand, just to sit up, when Leia was already at his door, striding in with a bottle of water and aspirin. 

“Here you go”, her tone was almost icy. Ben could understand why. 

“Thank you..” he murmured and tipped the pills to the back of his throat, washing them down with half a bottle of water. He fell back to bed, turning on his side so that he didn’t have to look at his mother in the face. 

Leia however did not leave. She sat on the bed and let the silence do the talking. 

Ben couldn’t tell if it was seconds or minutes that passed before he managed to open his mouth. 

“I’m sorry.” 

“I’ve heard that before.” Leia’s tone was no less harsh. Ben could feel her shift on her seat. She turned to look at his back. “I want to know why.” 

A lump formed in Ben’s throat, and he attempted his best to force it down. Now that he was awake and more or less aware, the sniffling words kept spinning in his mind on an endless loop. 

_ It’s Rey.  _

It had sounded so real. Too real, he realised that, but it did nothing to help. 

“She called me.” That was the wrong choice of word, but it was what he felt like.

“Who called?” 

“Rey called me last night..” Ben’s voice cracked, his face burying into the pillow. He couldn’t possibly feel more pathetic. It wasn’t Rey, it wasn’t, but his mind refused to listen to reason. 

Leia got incredibly silent. It went on for a good while, before her hand found a place on Ben’s shoulder. “You mean.. in spirit?” 

“On the phone!” 

“Oh-” Her tone changed after that. “It was a prank call, Ben.” 

“I know that”, Ben rumbled, his knees drawing up to a fetal position. The lump in his throat was growing by the second. It was almost hard to breathe. “I know but- it really sounded like her.” Silent tears escaped his eyes and soaked to the pillowcase. 

Leia’s tiny hand stroked up and down his arm, gentle and warm. It eased him a little. 

“I didn’t mean to drink- I really didn’t- but she-” 

“Shh…” Her weight shifted and she was pressing a kiss on Ben’s temple. “I believe you.” She knew of triggers, she’d taken a course back when Ben spent a few months in rehab during his worst years. Back when this was almost daily. She’d just hoped she would never have to see it in her own son, like any parent would. A false hope, as it turned out. 

“Is dad here?” 

“He’s in the kitchen.” Leia spoke quietly, pushing the damp hair out of Ben’s face. He was staring at the empty wall in front of him. “There’s breakfast. You should eat something. What do you want? Porridge? Toast?” 

Ben remained quiet, his chin quivering. He twisted his body further into himself, soft weeps leaving his mouth. He no longer attempted to hide that he was crying. 

“I want Rey back.” 

His whole body trembled. The silence coming from his mother was unbearable. 

“I want my life back- I want- we were supposed to have a family.” 

“Benny-” 

“We were trying- I wanted it so much, mom-” 

There was no answer, just shaky breathing. Leia’s hand was no longer petting his arm. Her fingers dug to his bicep like she’d forgotten she was still holding him. He’d never said any of this. Never spoke about kids or family in fear of breaking down. Now it seemed pointless to hide it anymore. 

“I’m so sorry I screwed up-” 

“It’s not your fault.” 

Leia’s head twisted back to see Han standing in the door frame. She had no clue how long he’d been there, but by the broken look on his face, he’d heard a lot. 

“Dad-” Ben turned to look, his eyes bloodshot and wet from crying. Han walked to the side of the double sided bed where he could look at his son in the face. 

He sat down on the bed, lifting his feet up and scooting closer until his arm wrapped around Ben’s shoulder. 

“Come here, kid.” 

Ben looked doubtful for a total of a split second before he folded himself into a tiny ball in the crook of his father’s shoulder, his head coming to rest on his chest. The steady heartbeat against his ear was grounding, more calming than any amount of alcohol could offer him and it eased the internal thumping of his aching brain. Against his back, he could feel his mother snuggle his side. 

Ben couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt so safe - so loved. 

  
  


***

  
  


Ben placed the bouquet of daisies on the grave, one hand tucked into his jacket pocket. There were a couple of other flower arrangements, put there by people who knew Rey. They were mostly roses and white callas. All were beautiful, but Ben felt a little good about himself, knowing that Rey’s favourite flowers were daisies. 

He didn’t get up immediately, staying knelt down. Rey had a simple stone with gold carvings. 

Rey Maryann Solo

A Loving Wife And A Dear Friend

May You Find Your Way Home 

*06.21.1980

†11.04.2009

It was the following day. Han was waiting in the car. Ben had wanted to come here alone. 

“I’m sorry I couldn’t visit yesterday.. had a rough day.” He didn’t know why he was talking, but it felt right. 

“You understand, right?” 

She wouldn’t, actually, Ben figured. Ben had never had a drinking problem when they were together. He was actually quite moderate with his consumptions, not that he didn’t drink, but it wasn’t excessive. Rey didn’t drink at all. She’d had alcoholic foster parents, and sort of couldn’t stand being around drunken people, even if it was at a party or a bar. Ben could respect that. She never told him not to drink, but he could tell she got uncomfortable if he reached for a third beer in the evenings. That’s why he rarely drank even the one. 

How the tables had turned on that one. 

“Anyway.. I don’t know if I’m supposed to say something deep here..” Ben wasn’t spiritual or religious, but he liked entertaining the idea sometimes, especially when he felt alone. It was nice to talk to Rey, even if she wasn’t there to hear. He’d never know for sure. 

He shoved his other hand in his pocket as well, looking around uncomfortably. It was a small cemetery, and he could feel people looking at him. Rey’s grave was sort of a famous spot - not a lot of adults went missing like she had, in a fairly average sized city like Chandrila. 

“I just.. I miss you. I guess that’s it.” 

Ben could feel his throat begin to close up again, so he got up and breathed in deep. He wiped his eyes on his jacket sleeve. Yesterday had been an absolutely awful day, and he hated himself for it. The whole idea seemed ridiculous to him now. Get drunk on Rey’s death day. Clearly he lacked any manner of human decency. He was an idiot, he knew it - but he didn’t entirely blame himself. It felt like a pitty excuse, the phone call, but the way it kept hanging in the back of his mind was unnerving. 

Ben turned on his heels, starting to walk the path back to the parking lot. The weather at least was nice for November. The tip of his nose prickled with the cold air, but other than that, it was still alright. Ben liked when it got below freezing. It made him feel a bit more alive, it was easier to breathe, easier to be awake than in mind numbing heat. 

Rey’s headstone was at the very end of the graveyard, so it was a bit of a walk, but that was okay with him too. He preferred it like that. He feared that if it was right at the entrance it would attract more outsider visitors - as if it didn’t already. 

Around five years after Rey’s disappearance, Ben got a phone call asking if he wanted to do a short interview and segment on a series where they talked about unsolved missing person cases. He’d agreed because the show was well known and he figured it couldn’t hurt. He was wrong, so very wrong. All it had attracted were people trying to scam him out of his money. 

He’d started getting ransom demands, phone calls, all from people trying to use the situation against him. None actually led him any closer to finding Rey. That was when he’d actually considered killing himself. It got unbearable, to the point where he couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat. He had a panic attack every time his phone made a sound.

He’d locked his phone in a drawer for months, just waiting for the calls to stop. He didn’t want to change his number. If he changed it, then the real Rey would have no way of contacting him. It was ridiculous to even think something like that, but that’s how he’d felt at the time. 

The calls ended in around six months, but Ben’s mentality didn’t bounce back quite so fast. He wasn’t sure, but he would have bet good money he’d been on suicide watch for almost a year at that time. There was no other explanation why his neighbors rang his doorbell daily, why his mother demanded he text her first in the morning and just before sleep. 

Half way back to the car, Ben felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. It was on mute. He pulled it out and looked at the screen. 

Unknown number.

His feet stopped without him intending to. He stared at the screen, heart ripping against his sternum. It kept on ringing for a good while, before it cut off. 

One missed call. 

Ben let go of a breath he hadn’t realised he was holding, and tucked the phone back in his pocket. It could have been anyone. It could have been a telemarketer he just ignored. It wasn’t necessarily the same number, just because it was unknown. A lot of people did that, it wasn’t just the one person who’d called him. 

He kept on telling himself that when the phone rang again a minute later and the screen blinked the words at his face. He declined the call that time, nearly running back to the car. 

“You look shaken”, Han frowned when he climbed to the passenger side seat of his old, silver Ford Falcon. Han had won the car in a bet as a young man, and he still kept it running. 

“I got a call.. that number again..” 

“Did you answer?” 

“No.” 

“Good. They’ll stop if you just don’t pick up. Don’t let them bully you.” Han turned the key and the retro car hummed into life. Han’s friend had almost completely redone the engine. There wasn’t much of the original 1970 Falcon left, other than the frame. 

“Can we go?” Ben was panting. His hand squeezed the phone in his pocket while it buzzed insistently. 

  
  


***

  
  


Eight missed calls. 

Ben stood on the back porch of his childhood home. Leia had insisted he sleep there, and for the first time he hadn’t fought back. For the first time, he didn’t want to be alone in his apartment. He was afraid of himself, of what might happen if he was left alone. He didn’t want to get shit-faced anymore. He genuinely didn’t want that anymore. He didn’t trust himself to have the self-control to not do that. 

Eight missed calls stared back at him on the screen. The phone had stopped vibrating half way back home, and Ben hadn’t opened it after that. 

Now it was ten in the evening, and he had nothing better to do than stand there in the chilling evening air and stare blankly at the touch screen that let him know that someone had tried calling him  _ eight fucking times.  _

Ben flinched when the screen changed again. It started the buzzing again, and Ben’s breathing hitched in his throat at the incoming call. 

He hesitated for a few seconds before finally swiping to the green button and pressing the phone to his ear. He knew it was a mistake even before doing so, but who was going to stop him. 

“Hello?” 

“Ben, thank God you answered!” The caller was the same. The same woman that sounded like Rey, and Ben’s hand began to tremble where it squeezed the porch railing. His heart was beating so fast he feared it might rip through his chest. 

“Who is this?” 

“It’s me, it’s Rey. Listen, I don’t have a lot of time before-” 

“Go fuck with someone else. Okay? I’m blocking this number.” he said it with confidence he most definitely was not feeling. Somehow it still managed to transfer into his voice. 

“Ben don’t-”

“Goodbye.” 

He hung up and the phone instantly slipped from his hand, clanging on the porch, shortly followed by Ben himself when his legs stopped carrying his weight. 

The woman on the phone sounded so distressed. It sounded genuine, not like someone acting fearful, but like she was actually scared. She sounded so much like Rey it was unbearable. Ben wasn’t sure if he was imagining it. If Han answered, would he hear something completely different? Was he really so desperate that he’d imagine her sounding anything like Rey? He couldn’t tell anymore. 

Ben grappled for the phone. It was no longer ringing. He opened the call information and his thumb hovered over the blocking feature. It would be that easy. Just one tap of his finger and he’d no longer have to deal with this harassment. He could list it off as just one of the countless prank calls he’d gotten and forget. It would be so easy. 

He pocketed the phone, the number remaining unblocked, free to call him any time of day. He couldn’t explain it to himself either. It just didn’t feel right. He got the same feeling now as when he’d hid his phone in the drawer instead of just changing his number. A stupid decision that would undoubtedly lead to more pain, but it felt like the right one. 

Ben sat on the porch for another hour before he dared to go back inside. His toes were freezing from the cold air and being just in his socks. His heart was still pounding, the adrenaline determined to stay in his veins. What he would have given to be able to sleep that night. It would be okay to take a nightcap, right? Just a little to help him get dozy, right? He didn’t have to get drunk, he could just have some and that would be enough, right? He knew the answer to all those questions was a hard no. 

He also knew where they kept the liquor in this house. 

In the living room, his eyes lingered on the cabinet that held many different years of whiskey and all sorts of wines, ranging from red to white, sweet to dry. It was a glass cabinet. It had a lock, but Ben knew the combination, and if he was really desperate, he could just break it. 

The bottles seemed to notice his interest, because they were staring back. 

Ben wasn’t sure how long he stood there in a wordless stand off with the alcohol, but he jerked back to reality when Han pressed a hand on his shoulder and cleared his throat. 

Ben’s head turned, and his father was offering him a steaming cup of black tea with an empathetic smile on his face. 

Ben let out a slightly amused puff, before enveloping his hand around the mug and taking a careful sip. It was too hot to drink right away, and Ben hissed a little when it burned his tongue. But the drink did what it was supposed to do, it distracted him from the liquor bottles. 

“Thanks, dad.” He truly meant it that time. 

“That’s what I’m here for.” Han ruffled his black hair and led Ben further into the kitchen, the cabinet gladly forgotten for the time being. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a heartbreaking chapter for me, but I also can't believe how fast I got it out. Just to clear out, the story is set in 2019, but I decided that the death day on Rey's grave is the date of her disappearance. 
> 
> I hope you all have a great day ♥


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Twigger warning: Talk of alcoholism/alcohol abuse 
> 
> Ben goes to work

Within a few days, Ben had learned to flinch when his phone made a sound. It was only the next Sunday, but it felt like it had been ringing for weeks. Every night, with no exception it would ring a couple of times, pestering him. He’d not found the courage to answer anymore. He couldn’t, but he also didn’t want it to stop. On some nights the call came a little later, and Ben felt a surge of panic begin to rise. It was like he was waiting for it. 

Ben had work on Monday. He’d called in sick that week, but he fully intended to go back - To continue on with his life, like he had for the past year. 

He’d gotten his old job back, spinning numbers for First Order Corporations. It was the mother company for many smaller businesses in various fields, providing start-ups for new entrepreneurs for a share of their profit. 

Ben was certain his boss Hux had only taken him back because of pity, but it was something Ben was willing to put up with if it meant he could keep on paying rent and buying food. As hard as it was to believe, Ben wanted to get his life back together. He needed the routine of a nine to five job. He didn’t hate his job, he was good with numbers, gifted actually, if that was a thing that existed in the adult world. Not to mention it provided a much appreciated steadiness to his days. 

Each day was more or less the same. He got to work at nine, sat in his cubicle until eleven when he had lunch, and got back to work. At two he had a coffee break and would chit-chat with his coworkers. They’d talk about things they did with their kids and significant others the past day and Ben would smile and nod, and pretend to be a part of the conversation. 

They could all see his ring. They presumed he was married, and even though technically he wasn’t, he didn’t correct them when they made the assumption. Some of them Ben assumed had heard what his situation was through other ways of passing information, but were too polite to bring it up in conversation. Only Hux knew with certainty what was going on and that was because Ben considered him the closest thing he had to a friend - even if he was his boss.

Ben left home at five, and made himself dinner, which was woefully often takeout or something he could heat up in the microwave, but at least he was eating. He’d gotten real skinny for a while, lost almost 20 pounds, just because he couldn’t get anything down if it wasn’t a liquid. Now he looked more or less like what he had before. It was an effort, but he tried to go to the gym a few times a week, just to get out of the house, and in the evening he’d come back and watch reruns on the tv until he fell asleep. Those were what he considered good days. 

Leia had raided his cabinets before leaving him alone that Sunday night. She’d taken all the alcohol that was left. There was a corner store just outside his apartment building, but Ben wasn’t going to point that out. He knew what she was doing: taking away the immediate temptation. Ben figured it would work. He wasn’t that dead set on getting drunk that day that he’d go out of his way to buy some. 

When the door closed between him and his parents, the silence in the apartment became crushing. 

He hadn’t been there since his breakdown. He could still sort of smell the vomit and piss, because his dirty clothes were mushed in the laundry bin. A nasty reminder that he couldn’t keep going like this. 

Ben gathered all the messed up clothes he could find, taking the sheet off his bed and mushing them all to the washing machine at the same time, dark and white clothes all mixed up because he didn’t care anymore if something leaked color and his socks came out blue instead of white. 

That wasn’t enough to get rid of the smell. It was stuck in the air almost like it was set on staying. He cracked a window and vacuumed and mopped while the clothes spun in the washer. By the end of it he felt exhausted, but glad to have been productive. This time he really felt like he could do it. He could fix himself right up. But he also knew he’d felt like that on multiple occasions even before, so he was smart enough to treat that thought with a healthy dose of doubt. 

He hung the clothes to dry and settled on the edge of his bed. One piece of clothing now drying was Rey’s grey hoodie which he’d spilled his guts on. What a way to treat the most precious thing he owned. It might have been odd, but he truly despised what he’d done to the hoodie more than what he did to himself. 

It was then when his phone started to buzz in his pocket. Right on time. 

He looked at the hidden number and let it blink in his face, until it stopped. He felt an odd sense of pain seeing it go away. That’s what it was, more than anything. He wasn’t mad at the person calling. The distressed woman that sounded like his wife. No, it was pain, because his brain refused to believe her, while his heart didn’t want to shut her out. It was an unbearable conflict. 

When the screen flashed a second time, Ben sighed and accepted the call. 

“Hello”, his tone was tired. He was really tired of this, more than anything. 

“Ben- please.” She sounded so desperate it tore his chest. Without fail his heart was in his throat, when he heard her weepy voice. “I’m scared, I don’t know where I am- Ben, please listen.” 

Ben squeezed his eyes shut, pinching the bridge of his nose between his thumb and index finger. It was torture, that’s what it was. 

“Please, stop calling me. It’s not funny.” he didn’t spit the words at her that time. No, he was truly asking her. He couldn’t do this anymore. 

He cut off the call once more, and pressed his head between his knees. It didn’t get any easier hearing her voice. 

His phone started ringing again, just a few seconds later. Ben hovered his thumb over the decline button before surprising even himself and swiping green. He didn’t say anything, just waited.

The woman on the other line sniffled, and Ben could hear bare feet against a tiled floor again. She was pacing. She steps echoed, wherever she was, and Ben was almost sure he could hear something else in the background, but he couldn’t be sure what it was. 

“Ben please, please listen to me!” 

Ben opened his eyes, and stared at the hoodie he’d spoiled and wondered if he could ever look at it the same way. He’d had that one solid thing that he relied on to bring him calmth and he’d ruined it for himself. He’d had enough. Maybe tolerating the calls was a way to punish himself. He imagined that Maz Kanata might tell him something like that, if he ever told her about this. 

“No. No, this has to stop.” his tone remained calm, his brows scrunching as he got up and paced along his room, mimicking the footsteps he heard from the phone. “Do you think this is fun? If you want money, just tell me, I’ll pay anything. I want this to stop.” 

“I don’t want your money, Ben. You need to listen to me. Listen!”

Ben flinched when she raised her voice. It was remarkable how much she sounded like Rey. He and Rey hadn’t had that many fights, but she got aggressive while playing board games, or anything involving a competitive element. Not that Ben was any better. They both had been keen on being the best in everything they did, winning no matter the cost. It was a blessing that they agreed on most things, because if they didn’t, well then they probably wouldn’t have ever gotten to the point of marriage. 

“Just- stop calling. Please.” his voice was nothing but a whisper at that point, when he ended the call, this time determined it was for good. 

He tossed the phone out of reach and got up. His throat was so dry he felt like he had traveled through a desert. What he would have given to wash that feeling away. 

  
  
  


***

  
  
  


It was a relief to get to work after a sleepless night. Ben was dead tired, but at least he had other things to fill his mind with, rather than the burning question of would his phone ring that night. 

He’d sat on his bed until dawn, the shoe box of knick-knacks on his lap, going over them one by one, trying to remember details about each object he’d saved up. Rey didn’t have many jewels, but the ones she had were always for special occasions. Ben’s favourite had always been the thin silver necklace with a butterfly, made out of light blue topaz stones, not larger than a penny. She’d worn it for their first date, resting in the notch down her neck, catching Ben’s immediate attention. He held the tiny thing in the bottom on his palm, stroking the delicate wings with his fingertip, afraid that it would break.

At 8am, he put everything neatly back in the box and tucked it in his closet. He put on a pair of dress pants, a collared shirt and a blazer. He managed to look presentable, especially after brushing his hair. There was nothing he could do about the dark circles, but at least his clothes would pass the dress code. 

First Order Corporations main building wasn’t that far away, around a mile away from his home, as he lived in the center, so he made the responsible choice and walked. 

The fresh air helped with some of his exhaustion. It was below freezing, and Ben could feel his focus sharpening the more crisp air he took in his lungs. He passed the corner store he’d considered going to all night, thinking that he might pay them a visit on the way back home. It would have been easy, it was right there, open 24/7.

Ben shook away the thought and kept on walking until he clocked in, taking the elevator to the fifth floor, hands stuffed in his pockets. 

Ben was on his seat at nine o’clock sharp, opening his work email and checking what he had in store for that day. 

“Solo.” 

Ben looked over his shoulder. Hux’s secretary, a baby faced guy named Mitaka, was standing a few feet away. He was new. He’d been working there even less than Ben. He suspected that he was straight from college, that’s how green he was. Scurrying around and bowing to Hux like a lap dog. Not to say that he wasn’t good at his job. From what Ben could tell he was very organized and could manage the schedules just fine, but Ben couldn’t help but feel sorry for him. The man was basically shivering just talking to him. 

“Yea?” 

“Hux said he wanted to see you in his office.” 

“Sure, give me like two minutes.” 

Mitaka left, like he was in a hurry, even though Ben was sure he wasn’t. He locked his computer and rubbed his tired eyes. He hadn’t looked in the mirror, but they were probably bloodshot from the lack of sleep.

Ben got up, straightened up and started the walk to the end of the hall, like it was his final march. 

Armitage Hux was an interesting guy to say the least. He was paler than anyone Ben knew, with flaming red hair and a weasel-like appearance, but somehow he held all the authority like some sort of mastermind. 

Ben had had the pleasure of knowing him since university. He’d been a business major, while Ben studied math, but by some miracle they’d ended up in the same friend group. Then he founded The First Order and a few years later employed Ben. There weren’t any hard feelings after his first resignation, but it had put some distance between them, just due to lack of seeing each other on a daily basis. Then there was the whole incident, and Ben had lost almost all contact with Hux right until last year when Ben begged for his job back. 

He didn’t bother knocking, just entered the glass office with a view over the city, closing the door behind him. 

“You wanted to see me?” Ben had never been too formal, but this time he did not sit before Hux gestured his well kept hand to the chair on the other side of his desk. 

Hux’s posture was immaculate, and he watched Ben with an invasive gaze that seemed to drill right to his head. Hux might not have looked the part, but he was a smart man, good at reading people and a hell of a strategist. 

“So, how was the relapse?” he said it like he’d asked about a vacation in Vermont. 

Ben’s jaw tightened. Of course he knew. “What makes you think that I had one?” 

Hux had one of those chrome pendulums on his desk that you saw in movies. He tapped it, making it start to swing, the steady clicking an irritating presence in Ben’s ears. 

“Am I wrong?” 

Ben did not answer. He didn’t have to. 

“Ben”, Hux’s tone softened a bit, as well as the look in his eyes, not like he was trying to see through his head, but rather to show compassion. “Should you take some time off? You look like crap. If you need a vacation for.. Personal reasons, I’ll arrange it.”

“That’s the last thing I need right now.” Ben sighed, slumping in his chair. He didn’t want a vacation, he wanted to work, wanted the distraction. 

“I’m just asking.” Hux was not in attack mode. Ben felt like he was being analysed, like with Maz Kanata but somehow more irritating. It was annoying, but Ben tolerated it because he hoped at least one person would come to his funeral, not out of duty but because they wanted to. 

The silence lingered in the room, the only sound the damn pendulum clicking steadily, but it felt like bombs going off. Ben’s head was starting to hurt again. 

“Something is bothering you.” 

“Or maybe I’m tired and irritable.”

“You were always irritable, now you just have an excuse for it.” 

Ben huffed, shifting in the chair. He couldn’t remember the exact reason why he was friends with Hux. 

The choice to talk to him wasn’t one Ben made consciously. The words simply came out of his mouth, flowed, because he knew Hux would listen, and not in the way his mother and father listened. Hux might have felt sorry for him, but he was also mercilessly direct. 

“I’ve been having problems.. Well, a problem. ”

Hux waited in silence. 

“There’s this woman.” 

That got Hux’s brows to shoot up on his pasty forehead. “Did not see that coming.”

“And it’s not like that. She’s been calling me from a hidden number, harassing me.. It’s a scammer I think.” 

“What is she saying if it has you this worked up?”

“It’s not what she says, she-” Ben’s hands clenched the arm rests, his chapped lips biting each other. “She sounds like Rey.”

“Ah.. “ Hux got immediately to nodding. “I get it now. How much is she asking for?”

“She doesn’t want money.” Ben spat it out before he could stop himself. Why he felt defensive about the woman was beyond him. “Or she hasn’t asked for anything at least.” He swiftly corrected himself. Not that Ben could pay anyway. He’d been an unemployed alcoholic for nine years. Saying that he’d pay her anything was something he slipped out in the moment. In reality, Ben owed Han and Leia more money than he could keep track of.

“Then what is she saying?”

“I don’t know, I haven’t listened.”

“Why not block the number?”

“It doesn’t feel right.” 

Hux breathed in deep, his neat posture slumping a little. “Ben, you’re not making any sense.” 

“You think I don’t know that?” his fingers drummed anxiously. Ben knew how ridiculous he was being. He was creating his own problem, when blocking the number would be the easiest solution. 

“Have you gone to the police yet?”

“I don’t want to.. She- she hasn’t given any demands or made threats, she just.. I don’t know. She wants me to listen.” 

Hux’s head tilted to the side, his arms crossing tightly over his chest. “Then why not listen?” 

Ben shook his head, black hair falling down to shade his face. “It’s not that easy.”

There was another pause. Hux didn’t pressure him into continuing, which in a way was also a pressure. Ben chewed around his thoughts, knowing that at least with Hux he could lay it all on the table. His mother wouldn’t understand, she was too close to the issue. Hux on the other hand, had the clear perspective brought on by healthy distance. 

“It’s like I’m being torn in half.. I know what I should do, what my brain keeps telling me to do, but I just- it feels wrong. Does that make sense? I don’t want to block her, even though I know I should, but it feels- my heart  _ hurts  _ every time I think about it.” Ben had to turn his face up to the ceiling to combat the gravity pulling out the wetness from his eyes. The bright light dried his eyes, making his keep his composure. 

Hux shifted in his luxurious office chair, lifting one leg over the other and pursing around his thin lips. 

“Why not listen?”

“What?”

“I’m just saying, what’s the harm in listening? You’re smart enough to not agree to any demands she might have. What’s the problem with hearing out what she has to say?” 

What was the problem indeed. Ben hadn’t even thought about that. He wanted to listen to her, just because of her voice alone, but that too felt wrong. Ben knew better. He thought he knew at least. Listening would be just feeding his own pain, wouldn’t it? But so was not doing so. It was a damn vicious circle. 

“What good would that do?”

Hux just shrugged, reaching for the pendulum. He stopped it from swinging, not looking at Ben anymore. 

“I don’t know. Might give you a peace of mind. Maybe? Or just worsen the situation.” 

Ben really, really didn’t know why he was friends with Hux. 

“Is there a reason you called me here?”

“I saw you in the lobby, I thought you might need someone to talk to. Looked like you’d had one hell of a week.” his eyes went past Ben to the walls. His tone suggested that he was being impassive, but Ben knew better. Hux cared, he just had a nonchalant way of hiding it. 

“I did relapse… earlier. Not the rest of the week, I was at my parents house.” Ben lowered his head. Hux knew of his alcohol issues, it was something Ben had to mention when he was reemployed. “I’m not hungover now, I just didn’t sleep all night.”

Hux nodded but Ben could see the doubt in his eyes. Understandable, in this case. 

“Should you go home for today?”

“No, I need this. It gives me something else to think about.” Ben nearly jumped in his chair. He didn’t want to be sent home. 

“No fuck-ups because you’re tired, got it?” 

“Never.” 

“Good. Alright, go.” Hux whisked him towards the door. Ben got up slowly, stopping, once his back was turned to the other man in the room. 

“Thanks..” 

  
  
  


***

  
  
  


Ben took the longer route home, circling the block from the other side to avoid the corner store. He had to go over and walk back up to get to his building, but he considered it worth the walk. 

He tossed his clothes on the floor, not caring that the blazer would be all wrinkly tomorrow, he didn’t believe anyone actually cared. 

Ben hopped into the shower, not bothering to draw a bath. He simply stood there, hoping that freezing cold water would wash away how tired he was. He should at least eat something before going to sleep. It would have been the sensible thing to do - something an adult who had their shit together would do, and Ben was determined that he was at least trying to be that. 

He didn’t have much in his fridge or cabinets, just some non-perishables, canned food and so on. Ben boiled some macaroni and mixed it with a can of tuna. Not exactly an actual meal but at least he could say he cooked - technically. He topped it off with a glass of water and just sunk to the bottom of his bed. 

Once he was laying down, Ben found that he was no longer tired. Or he was, physically his body was screaming for rest but his brain wasn’t giving him such luxury. He stared at the ceiling, motionless, hoping that it would coax out the sleep. 

After what seemed like forever Ben sat back up. Laying down wasn’t working. He got up and paced around the kitchen, not really doing anything or thinking about anything other than how much easier it would be to knock himself out with a bottle of vodka. One good thing about alcoholism, he never suffered from insomnia. It didn’t really count as a positive, because he got no real rest in the drunken slumber, but he preferred it to being awake, alone with his thoughts all night. 

Ben settled around the kitchen table, leaning his forehead on the table. He tried to remember if sleeping was this hard back when he was first trying to get sober. He didn’t have a clear memory, but it felt like a real possibility. 

His phone made the familiar buzzing sound in the kitchen counter, making the hair on Ben’s arms rise up. He looked over to the phone like it haunted him. The damned thing kept ringing, until it stopped, and began again a few seconds later. 

Ben got up on stiff knees, walking to the phone, a lump forming in his throat with each slow step. His stomach grew cold. 

Ben hovered over the phone like it was a bomb, peering at the caller ID. 

It was his mother. 

Ben’s shoulders dropped, and he let go of the breath he hadn’t realised he was holding. 

“Hi mom.”

“Hi sweetheart. How was your day?” Ben tried to ignore the relief in Leia’s voice, but he couldn’t blame her for it. 

“It was alright. I went to work, got home, showered. I even made food.” Ben dared to smile a little, all things considered, he’d had a pretty nice day. 

“That’s good to hear. What are you doing now?” 

“I’m trying to sleep. It just doesn’t seem to be happening.” 

The pause Leia made was a second too long to be normal. She was clearly suspicious. 

“Ben.”

“I’m fine, mom. I didn’t go to the store today.” 

“Try tea. With honey, it helps.” 

Ben didn’t have any tea in his house, but he still agreed, saying he’d do that. “Say hi to dad.”

“I will. Love you.”

“Love you too, bye.” 

Leia hung up first. Ben felt glad with how that had gone. He rarely felt good after a phone call with his mother, but today was just working out. 

He returned to bed, and was just crawling under the covers when the phone buzzed again. Leia must have forgotten to say something. Ben picked the phone back up, his stomach dropping when the unknown icon popped on the screen. 

He swallowed, and watched it ring. His thumb was once again hovering over the decline button, reason telling him to hang up and go to sleep. However, Ben remembered what Hux had said. There wasn’t any harm in listening. 

Ben sucked in a shallow breath before answering. 

“Hello again”, it felt weird answering like they knew each other, especially if the call happened to be someone else. It wasn’t. Ben was weirded out by the realisation that he could already recognise the breathing of the woman in question. 

“Ben. This time, I mean it. You have to listen.” her tone was serious, unlike the previous calls when she’d been weepy. This time, she was determined. Ben could hear walking, not the tiles, but like gravel. 

Ben stared at the ceiling. Her voice echoed in his brain. Why did she have to sound so much like Rey? She wasn’t, Ben had legal proof of that - his wife was legally dead, she had a grave and a death date. The police had stopped looking for her because she was gone. It was a fact and not even a secret. It didn’t make any sense for her to try and pretend. Ben might have been broken but he wasn’t delusional. 

“You say you’re Rey.” he didn’t know where he was going with his. 

“I am Rey.” 

It was so difficult to try and shut out the part of his brain that told him to believe her. 

“This doesn’t make any sense.. “ Ben sighed, his free hand clamping over his eyes and rubbing the lids. His eyes stinged and burned under his touch. 

“I am Rey, Ben. I am.” her voice got a little weaker then, like she was desperate. She must have been, Ben just didn’t understand why would anyone be so desperate to make him believe such a wild accusation. 

“Convince me then.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading, I'm still kind of blown away by how well the past chapter was received :o I'm truly amazed and thankful for all the support I've been getting ♥ You might have noticed, I added more chapters cuz 7 just wasn't going to do it. Or it was, but it would have been waaaay rushed xP Anyway, I'm trying to stick to 11, because I don't want to drag this out to eternity either. 
> 
> And yes a freaking cliffhanger because I can :D


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happened to Rey 
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: Kidnapping, rape, thoughts of suicide, self-harm, pregnancy, attempted abortion, childbirth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Once again, I'm asking to please read this before moving to the chapter!
> 
> So, this is probably by far the most awful chapter I have in store for this fic. 
> 
> This was a difficult chapter to write for a couple of reasons. I showed it to my friend before publishing and we agreed that it's a full on trigger festival.. 
> 
> I knew this chapter was coming and I was fearful of writing it even before, because I know many of the subject are sensitive and triggering for a lot of people. I wasn't really sure how to tackle something this awful - I've never had to write anything like this. It was incredibly challenging to try and find a way to write about this in a way that is respectful but doesn't take away or somehow glorify what is happening, while also being true to myself and to the story, making it the way I want it to be.  
> It's a thin line to be walking, to say the least. 
> 
> Either way, this is the result of me trying to find that balance and I hope you find it satisfactory. 
> 
> I've never had this sort of experience but I know it's unfortunately true for too many people out there. I send you my love and strength. 
> 
> Thank you

The year was 2009. 

Rey Solo woke up to her alarm clock going off at 9am, trying to cling to the last bit of sleep. She buried herself under the covers to try and fade out the beeping coming from the nightstand to her left. 

“Rey the alarm.” 

A barely there murmur came from the other side of the bed. Rey grunted back, trying to stay asleep but failing. 

“The alarm. Turn it off, please.” 

The mattress bounced when Ben turned sides. Rey dared a peek in his direction from a tiny hole in her blanket fortress. His face was now to her, brows scrunched up but eyes closed, looking equally determined to keep on sleeping. 

“It’ll go off on it’s own after a minute.” Rey mumbled, not moving from her nest. 

For ten seconds there was no sound other than the relentless beeping of the alarm. Then there was more shifting, and a palm right next to Rey’s head where Ben reached over her to turn off the mechanical clock. The room fell quiet, and Ben’s weight dropped sideways over her middle, head hanging off the edge of the bed. 

“You weigh a ton.” Rey pinned to the mattress, not actually irritated, but complaining for the sake of it. She was already used to the mountain of a man that was her husband. 

“You did this to yourself.” 

Rey chuckled, squirming so she could free her arms from under Ben’s weight and pull her head out of the blankets. 

The room was still dim, but morning light was seeping through the closed curtains in thin stripes across the floor. 

“I do actually need to get up.” Rey said, her hands propped over Ben’s back like he was a bed tray table. 

“Too late, I’m sleeping.” Somehow he seemed to become even heavier, relaxing further and weighing her down like a sack of boneless flesh. 

“Ben, I need to pee.” Rey whined. 

“Then pee.”

“Yea, in the toilet.” she slapped his boxer clad bottom playfully yet sharply enough to get his attention. 

Ben’s head jerked up, turning to her with a horrified expression. “That’s a lawsuit, madam.” 

“I’ll see you in court”, Rey pushed him off with a laugh, but not before she could steal a sweet, stinky morning breath kiss from his lips. 

Rey put coffee on after finishing up in the bathroom. The unused pregnancy test in the cabinet next to the toothpaste had kept smirking in her face while she’d brushed her teeth. It was still too early to take it, but Rey couldn’t help herself. 

The single blue line that indicated a negative result wasn’t entirely surprising, but just as disappointing. 

“Not pregnant”, she announced while tossing the test into the garbage. Ben had found his way to the kitchen, eyes still squinted from sleep and hair all mushed up. 

“It’s still early in your cycle.” he just said, seemingly not all that bothered. Rey knew he was being nonchalant for her sake. She knew he wanted it to happen more than anything. He probably knew her body’s schedule better than she did at this point. They’d been trying for a little over half a year, during which Ben had become a self-proclaimed expert of the female reproductive cycle.  _ Do you feel like you’re ovulating? _ was a question he’d asked more often than she could count, and the answer was each time, without fail  _ What is it supposed to feel like? _

“I guess”, Rey poured herself a mug of coffee, drinking it black while she went to get the paper from the door. “What are you doing today?”

Ben was buttering up toast while pacing around the kitchen. He never seemed to stand still, always on the move. 

“I have some commissions, then I thought I’d go to the store, and the bathroom screams for cleaning.” 

It might not have been the social norm, but their arrangement worked for them. After Ben had quit his corporate job he worked from home. Did art commissions as well as more official things for businesses, designed posters and what not. He did most of the housework, as a glorified house husband. Some questioned it, saying that a real man would be the money maker, but they ignored those people. Rey got a nice pay even as a nurse because she worked in the private sector and it was not like Ben didn’t bring anything to the table. Not to mention he was happy. So much more happy now than what he had been while working for the First Order. That’s what really mattered to her. 

“I can cook if you buy chicken. I should be home by six.” 

“Sounds great.”

Rey flipped through the paper while eating breakfast. Ben had disappeared somewhere, but after a while she could hear the shower running. 

She opened the trash to dispose of the used coffee grounds, when her eyes caught the pregnancy test on the top. Rey made her way to the grocery list, adding to it with a smirk. 

Ben always showered fast, so she had to hurry to bounce on the bed before he was done. 

He walked to the bedroom minutes later with the towel wrapped around his hips, picking his ear with a q tip. 

“Aren’t you gonna be late?” he ignored Rey currently hiding under the covers, the blankets drawn up to her chin. 

“I added something to the grocery list.”

“What was it?”

“Pregnancy tests. We’re all out.” 

“Hmm sure..” Ben was still dismissing her, going through the closet for clean clothes. 

“Ben, I need to leave in an hour.” her tone was different that time, a little demanding. She knew she’d caught his attention when he turned, brows a little scrunched up. 

“That’s what I’m saying.”

“Then why aren’t you here with me already?” she had a wicked grin on her lips, and Ben seemed to finally catch her drift. He puffed out a little laugh before bending one knee down on the mattress. 

“I suppose we need to make all those tests worth the money.”

  
  
  


***

  
  
  


Chandrila was an average sized city. There wasn’t a lot of action really ever. It was the type of city that just existed. They had four seasons and their main import were retired people, easily found on cruise ships or beaches in Florida. That and of course it was the proud home town of First Order Corporations, which the news never failed to mention if there was ever talk about Chandrila - which there was not. 

The city had no violent gangs or a lot of crime happening. That’s why Rey felt comfortable walking to work each day, even after dark. 

Ben kept telling her she shouldn’t, but really she didn’t think the two mile walk from the clinic to the suburbs was all that dangerous. 

She would think about that a lot in the coming hours. 

“Hello, I’m sorry to bother you, Miss, can I ask you for directions?” a sweet looking older man peeked his head from the window. Rey recognised him immediately.

Gregory Snoke, he was a regular at their clinic, had been for years. He was an ex-athlete that suffered from old injuries and other ailments that came with time. He was nice, if only a bit flirty, but that’s just how older men were. Rey knew that being a nurse came with a share of sexualization, and even though it wasn’t alright, it was something she’d already grown used to.

Snoke always scheduled his weekly appointment with her, which was nice, because it spoke of trust in her abilities. It also made her job easier - being familiar with the patient’s previous conditions and all that. 

“Sure, where are you heading?” Rey stopped her walking, stopping by the side of the road. The man stopped the car, and got out. His expression seemed to clear when he recognised her. 

“Mrs Solo, I didn’t even realise! How wonderful.” He was extremely tall, probably over seven feet, with a scarred face and a smile that was so sweet it would have been alarming, had it been someone Rey didn’t know personally. 

“I’m looking for a house, you wouldn’t happen to know the Millers?” he rubbed his balding head, one hand on his hip. 

“First names?” 

“Peter and Mary?” 

“No, sorry. Doesn’t ring a bell.” 

“I think they live around here.. On Riverside lane?” The man paced a little by the side of his car, head tilting to the side in a question. 

“That’s across town, actually.” Rey laughed a bit. 

“Really? I must have read the map wrong- do you mind taking a look?” He opened the door to his car, and turned his back to Rey. He came back up a few seconds later with a paper map of the city spread out over his hands. 

Rey didn’t know what, but something made her stomach squeeze with unease. An instinct that told her to run, which she didn’t listen to when the older man stepped closer, urging the map in her direction. 

“You see, I was coming from here and I turned left from there but now I’m thinking I should have taken a right instead…” the man started talking, focusing on the map and the feeling in Rey’s gut eased. He pointed out his route with a bony finger that didn’t quite turn straight anymore. 

She reached her head towards the map, now actually trying to concentrate on the different roads, when she felt something press to her belly button under the large map. Something metal. 

Rey’s breathing hitched in her throat. 

“What do you think?” The man smiled at her, while all color faded from Rey’s face. Her knees nearly buckled when she heard the gun click. 

Rey didn’t say anything. Just stared right ahead, breathing in slowly through her nose. 

“I have another map in the car. Perhaps that would be more clear?” his smile was repulsive. Rey noticed her hand shaking on her side, but she still didn’t say a word. 

“Mrs Solo? The car?” the head of the pistol pushed harder against her stomach. Rey’s heart was in her throat. 

This couldn’t be happening. It couldn’t. She was supposed to be home, she was supposed to be cooking, the kitchen filling up with the scent of garlic. Ben would be there to kiss her forehead when she came home and ask about her day before showing what he’d made that day.

Somehow she knew she wouldn’t be seeing home for a while - if ever. 

Rey took a short step in the direction of the car, walking the short distance stiffly, mind racing to think of a way she could avoid getting into the car. The door to the back seat was open, ready for her to step in. 

“Why?” it was the only word she could utter, hand clasping the top of the door when she stood in front of it. The man stood right behind her, the gun moved from her stomach to her back. 

“Aren’t you curious.” the hilt of the gun hit the back of her head. Everything went black. 

  
  
  


***

  
  
  


Rey woke up in the dark. She was sure her eyes were open, but she couldn’t see anything. She realised it was because there was a bag over her head. Her hands tied up behind her back, and the familiar feeling of having a dick pound inside her, yet at the same time there was nothing familiar about it. It tore her insides like it never had, made her sick to her gut and had tears building in her eyes. 

She refused to cry out. Her body jerked to escape, only to be pinned down harder, the assault on her growing only more aggressive the more she struggled. It paralyzed her, the panic and pain working to hold her still. 

“Finally waking up are we?” Gregory Snoke’s raspy voice spoke right into Rey’s ear, making cold travel down her spine. Even though the bag over her head, she could smell his rotten breath, the heat of his sweaty body slapping against her making her want to puke. 

Rey didn’t say anything, holding her breath, trying to pass out. She didn’t want to be awake for this.

The man grunted above her, and she felt the familiar sensation of warmth spurting inside her. Rey’d never been so repulsed by the sensation, feeling all the more violated, nasty and dirty from the inside out. 

Snoke abandoned her there, the bag still over her head, hands and legs tied up. The soft surface she laid on smelled vile and was sticky against her bare skin. 

Rey curled herself into a fetal position and hoped to die. 

  
  
  
  
  


It was difficult to say how many days she’d been down there, but it felt like forever. 

Snoke had taken the bag from her head, and given her a large men’s shirt to wear. The room was so cold that even though she hated what the button up presented, she wore it. He refused her the dignity of pants, saying she could do without. Rey imagined that her own clothes had been disposed of. 

The room she was in reminded her of a bathroom. It was tiled from floor to ceiling, with a drain and a hose coming out of the wall, but no windows. The door was metal, and locked from the outside, with a small hatch in the bottom like in prison cells, where Snoke would occasionally provide her with a plate of food. It was scraps, or otherwise spoiled, molten bread, but Rey still ate them, even though sometimes they made her sick. 

Time felt like it worked differently down there. She counted that Snoke usually visited her once a day, though she had no real way of telling that a day had passed. She imagined it was a day, because she usually fell asleep once in between his.. entertainment.

However she lost count rather fast. The only way she knew it couldn’t have been more than a month, was because she still hadn’t gotten her period. She trusted that as her measure of time. She’d always been fairly regular and even though this was surely going to mess up her cycle, she was sure it couldn’t have been far. 

That was before. After the third time she vomited, she knew she was truly in trouble, if she hadn’t been already. 

Rey knew the statistics. 

She’d tried to get pregnant with Ben for months, and then after she got raped it happened instantly. As much as she wanted to tell herself that there was a possibility that the thing growing inside her could be Ben’s, she couldn’t cling to hope like that. Deep down she knew it wasn’t his. 

That’s what made it easier to hit herself. 

Rey’d never been suicidal. Never even considered hurting herself. Yet now it was so easy. She didn’t want it, she didn’t want Snoke’s disgusting offspring inside her. So she did the only thing she could, and hit herself, right to the lower stomach until she was on bruises, until she was crying and spilling her guts. 

It didn’t work. 

After some time she stopped. It was no use, the embryo seemed determined to stay. She refused to call it a baby - it wasn’t. It was a repulsive thing clinging to her insides and no matter how hard she tried it wouldn’t let go. 

Snoke seemed to only get his kicks out of her ever swelling stomach, slobbering disgusting words to her ear when he fucked her. Rey refused to cry. It would be a victory. Those few times she accidentally got an orgasm she wanted to die. Snoke would occasionally rub her clit on purpose, saying he liked it when she gripped him tight as she came. Coming by his hand.. It shred her the last bits of pride she had left. It felt like a punishment. It made Snoke laugh, to force his reeking lips on hers and praise her. 

“I knew you liked it.. “ 

  
  
  


Rey thought about Ben a lot.

It wasn't that she didn't care what happened to her, but it was as though she was becoming numb. The more her belly grew and she knew time passed, every day she cared less. Hurt less. It didn't matter how brutal Snoke was or how long she went without food, it all lost meaning in the end. 

But she knew Ben wouldn't go numb. She knew he was worried sick, probably losing weight over stress and blaming himself for some ridiculous reason, when this had nothing to do with him.

If she died tomorrow he'd probably keep looking for a long time. That's just how he was - stubborn. Unreasonably stubborn, to the point where he would end up hurting himself. That’s how he was with everything. Struggling on even if he was in pain. 

Once Rey tried to think about Ben instead, when Snoke was back doing his thing - it was a mistake. It made her cry, even though she'd managed to ward off tears for the most part. Snoke licked the tears off her cheeks and she didn’t know why but it was worse. It was much worse than having his cock inside her.

She cried long after Snoke was done.

She missed Ben. Just missed him. How he made her laugh and how gentle he was. How loving his touch was on her skin, always finding little reasons to touch her. Not even intimately, just to hold her hand or brush her shoulder when he walked past. He'd draw circles on her arm when they'd go to sleep, and kiss her softly in the morning even though both their breath was awful. It was the little, casual things that made Rey so sure she'd found the love of her life - and it was the reality that she'd lost him that made her eyes fill with tears instead.

  
  


When the contractions started, Rey was sure this was it. She could give birth, but she wouldn’t survive long after that. If anything went wrong, then that would be the end. 

She didn’t understand why, but Snoke got her a clean sheet and a towel. It didn’t feel like an act of kindness of mercy, but Rey took it anyway. It felt like another defeat. Like he’d won over her for the hundredth time by granting her the luxury of getting to give birth on a clean sheet. 

Perhaps he was a little sentimental about her giving birth to his child. 

Rey thought she’d hate the baby. She really, really thought she would hate the thing. It would represent everything she hated, and be an actual trophy for Snoke of how he had defiled her. 

She’d had plenty of time to think about it, and she wanted to love her child. It was the mother in her talking, wanting to care and love the creature she’d carried inside her, the little fragile thing that was partly her. The child was innocent in all this. 

She wanted to love it, but she didn’t think she would, or ever could. 

That was until she got him in her arms. The tiny, bloody and pink little boy with a wrinkly face, ten fingers and ten toes. He was so small he must have been born a little early. Nonetheless it cried out upon taking his first breath and squirmed against Rey’s chest when she picked him up and dried in the sheet before wrapping him up in the towel. 

She was beyond tired, but she cleaned her baby by turning the hose to drizzle water. She drank as much as she could and curled on her bed, the baby nestled under her chin. For the first time since getting there, she hoped she wouldn’t die in her sleep. 

She loved her son. She loved him, and she would get them away from Snoke. She’d get them a real home, no matter how long it took. 

***

  
  


“Convince me then”, Ben said it with a lot more confidence than he was feeling. 

He felt like shattered glass. He wasn’t sure if he was bullying himself or the woman on the other side of the line by saying such a thing. There weren’t many things she could say to actually make him believe her. 

What could she truly even say? What could she come up with? 

Ben didn’t know. But he was interested in hearing her. 

“Ben, I don’t think you’d believe me no matter what I tell you.” she had him all figured out it seemed. 

“You’re right.”

“Then you tell me. What do you need to hear?” 

Ben laughed. He wasn’t that easily manipulated into spilling his own secrets. 

“I don’t know. Tell me something only Rey would know. And if you start babbling on about my favourite color I’ll hang up.”

There was a silence on the other line. Ben thought it was expected. Then there was a deep breath, her tone once again a different one. The one Rey’s use on him when she was crushing him in a board game. 

“The first time you said you love me, it was on the back of your dad’s pick-up truck, in a McDonald’s parking lot and it was the least romantic thing ever, but I still loved you for it, because it was such a you thing to do.” 

Ben’s phone clattered to the floor. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading and have a wonderful day ♥
> 
> I'm gonna go stare into a wall for a moment.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben and Rey talk. 
> 
> TW: Talk about alcoholism

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little lighter chapter after the last one, but then again, not.

Chandrila had only one McDonalds. 

It was already night time, getting closer to midnight. Rey knew Han had promised Ben his car for the night, on the condition that he wouldn’t be drinking and driving, and he would return the car unharmed by morning. 

Neither of those were a problem. They were just sitting in the middle of the fast food restaurant’s parking lot, munching on fries that had already gone cold. 

Ben’s arm wrapped around her shoulder as he pointed out constellations in the sky, though the sky was rather cloudy, so there wasn’t much to point out. It didn’t matter, Rey liked watching him do it anyway. Her boyfriend of a couple months was a bit of a nerd, and she absolutely adored it when he went all geek about things he was interested in - like astronomy. 

“You’re really cute when you talk like that.” Rey decided she could afford to point that out to him. 

Ben’s head flipped in her direction, his mouth rounded in the middle of producing a word that got cut off. It was dark, and their main source of lighting were the projectors in the parking lot, and the golden arches, but she could still see his ears turning red. 

“Stop it..” his plump lips curled to a coy smile, his eyes turning down. 

Ben was the type of guy who’d never been told how attractive he was. Probably because it was true that he looked a bit unconventional, with his tall nose and large ears, but the thought that he was ugly had never even crossed Rey’s mind. 

“I think you’re cute.” she just pushed on, earning a nervous laugh from Ben as he avoided her eyes by sinking to her shoulder. 

“Nonsense”, he murmured and tickled her neck by nuzzling the crook of her chin. 

“It’s not”, Rey giggled, cupping his face in between her hands and bringing it up. She pecked the tip of his nose. 

“You’re weird”, Ben was grinning. Rey especially liked his dimples. They etched deep on his cheeks when he smiled, and she hoped to kiss them too. He didn’t smile like that too often. Usually it was close lipped and a bit awkward, but he was truly beautiful when he smiled genuinely. 

“Am I?” 

“Yes”, Ben nodded, as if he was sure it was the truth. It might have been. “Which is why I love you.”

Rey’s brows shot up. Ben pinched his lip between his teeth, but didn’t take away what he said. Rey puffed and nodded. 

“And you thought this was the perfect opportunity to tell me?” Rey’s palms remained on his face. 

“You don’t have to say it back.” Ben just shrugged, but Rey could tell he was getting uncomfortable. 

“This is the least romantic thing ever!” Rey shook her head with a laugh. She really couldn’t believe this guy. 

“Excuse you”, Ben pulled away from her hands. Rey’s stomach squeezed in worry, she hadn’t meant to upset him. But then his index finger poked her side and he laughed. “Is the starry, moon lit sky not romantic enough for you?” 

“I can’t even see the moon!” Rey cried out, poking him back until they were just about wrestling in the open back of the car. 

“It’s out there, just behind the clouds! ” Ben’s arms crossed over his chest. Rey couldn’t argue with solid logic. Rey sighed, she didn’t know why she was torturing him like this. That was just how she was, giving affection easily but having a hard time accepting it herself. They weren’t that different in the end, Ben and her. 

“Fine”, she scoffed. She scooted back under his arm and kissed his smooth shaven cheek. “I do love you too.” 

“You do?” Ben’s smile returned in an instant, his palm cupping the side of her face. 

Rey nodded with a hum. “I do, I love you.” 

Ben looked visibly relieved, and he scooped her up to scatter dozens of kisses all over her face. 

“I’m so happy”, he said in a giddy tone, and absolutely refused to let her go once he had her in a hug - not that Rey was in any hurry to get away, anyway. She curled on her chest, arms wrapped around his middle and closed her eyes. She did love him. So very much - much more than a girl of twenty ought to have loved someone. 

  
  


***

  
  


Ben was hyperventilating. How the hell did she know that story? He’d never told that to anyone. It was possible that Rey had. Yes, it was possible that Rey had told someone, who told someone and so on. But was it all that likely? Ben wasn’t sure anymore, his brain was going into overdrive. 

His eyes panned slowly to the phone that had slipped from his hand to the floor. It was like his brain was running a few seconds behind, his hand still up where he would have held the phone to his ear. Ben dropped on his knees to pick it back up. 

The line was still open, thank God. 

“How do you know that- how do you-  _ how _ ?” forming words was difficult in a growing panic. Ben had to hold the phone with two hands then, because of how his fingers were trembling. 

“Ben, you know how.”

“Tell me something else.” 

“You sleep with the lights on. Facing the door, because your uncle used to get drunk and try to hit you in your sleep.” 

Another truth. 

One very long and painful summer, when Ben’s parents were abroad for four months, he lived with his uncle. 

Ben already didn’t particularly like his mom’s twin brother, but that summer only solidified his opinion. 

Uncle Luke had a taste for whiskey, and when he’d had enough, it tended to bring out some nasty habits. Including the one where he broke into Ben’s room and tried to hit him with a bat. 

Alcoholism ran in the family. Luke’s and Leia’s father, Ben’s grandfather, hadn’t been any better. Ben had never met him, but his mom told tales of his drunken antics, including strangling her and Luke’s mom while she was pregnant. When he was younger Ben thought he could never fall into the same pit as dear ol’ Anakin and uncle Luke. It seemed that they were carved from the same tree after all. 

Ben was shaking. He couldn’t muster another word, even though his mouth was open and lips moving. 

After that summer Ben absolutely refused to see Luke anymore. He hadn’t told his parents what happened, but Ben imagined they’d figured it out eventually. Luke got invited over less, and when he was coming Han always made sure to subtly tell Ben a day before so he had time to make plans. One time Han came to get him after school because Luke made a surprise visit, and they spent the entire day at the garage, until Leia called to say that the coast was clear. So yes, Ben was sure they knew, but it was something they’d never addressed out loud. A quiet agreement, which Ben truly appreciated. 

Ben hadn’t told anyone, except Rey, because she was the one who actually had to sleep in the same bedroom as him. 

They’d worked on his issue, and gotten to the point where he could face away from the door, but he had to have a bedside lamp or a nightlight on. Many times they’d leave the door open and lights on in the hall. 

During the past years Ben had more or less fallen back to his old habit, some nights being worse than the one before. Even when he was alone in his apartment, there were times he felt so unsafe he had to put a blunt object under his pillow to be able to sleep. 

“Ben, are you there?” she asked on the phone. 

He was there. He was listening with so much focus he feared that any moment he’d wake up. This had to be a dream, it had to be. Once again he’d passed out somewhere, that was the only explanation. 

“I’m here.” his voice was stuck in his throat, but no amount of coughing could clear it out. 

“Good. Listen. I got out. I’m out- I don’t know where I am- there are lights in the distance- I think this could be Chandrila, I can’t really tell anymore-” 

Ben was hanging on to every word. This was Rey. His Rey, his Rey was talking to him on the phone and- 

What the hell was he thinking. 

What the actual hell was he thinking, he couldn’t actually believe her because of a few lucky guesses. Because that’s what they were. Guesses. Or she was some sort of hacker, who’d figured out details about his life and put two and two together. 

“You can’t be serious.” Ben scoffed to the phone. “This isn’t real.”

“Ben, no! I’m telling the truth! There are lights-”

“Shut up! Shut up already! I don’t want another word from you!” 

Ben didn’t know why, but all he could feel was rage. Unbridled rage, that felt like it was coming from somewhere much deeper than just the bases of this conversation. 

Perhaps it was. He didn’t really feel angry at the lady on the phone, as much as he did to himself for actually starting to believe her. 

“REY IS DEAD!” he screamed into the phone. “She’s dead, she’s dead, she’s dead!” 

Ben climbed back to his feet, holding the phone so he could yell right into the microphone. “YOU’RE NOT REY! YOU’RE NOT. MY. REY. SHE’S GONE! FUCKING GONE!” 

Ben was sure he was yelling more at himself, than the woman, but it didn’t stop him. 

He felt like he hadn’t told himself enough. He’d only admitted her death a handful of times. How could he believe in something he was too scared to say out loud? Even screaming into the phone it didn’t sound like the truth to him. He was yelling, but he lacked conviction. He could have been saying anything and it would have been all the same.

Rey is dead. 

The sky is pink. 

They held the same amount of meaning to him. 

Ben was panting, feeling like he weighed a hundred pounds less. 

He listened, and the line was once again silent, with only the sound of shallow breathing making its way into his ear. 

“Ben, I’m not dead.” her voice was just a whisper. “I’m lost.” 

“If you need help call 911. Not me.”

“Nine-” the woman started the sentence like she was confused, then gasped. “Oh dear God-”

“Right. Because you didn’t think of that before. You might think I’m an idiot, but I’ve gotten these calls before, you.. fucking asshole.” Ben felt like his words held much less ire than he would have wanted to. They just sounded tired, and defeated, like he was done fighting. 

“Ben, you can curse at me all you want, I made it out of Snoke’s pit. I’m really, actually here.”

“Snoke’s-” Ben was about to mock her until he was hit with a deja vu. The name was something eerily familiar. It brought to mind an old man, a basketball player, or maybe it was volleyball. Something where height was essential. It sounded like a name Rey might have mentioned. 

Ben thought about it again. Could this really be Rey? They never found a body. Technically it was a possibility, but every reasonable brain cell in Ben’s head was telling him not to fall for it. That whoever she was, was just really, truly cunning. She’d done her research, and she was playing him like a violin. Hell it hadn’t been five minutes since he was yelling his lungs out at her not being Rey. 

The other half of him wanted nothing more than to believe her. He wanted this to be Rey, for the past ten years to have been some elaborate nightmare. 

Ben sank back down on the edge of the bed. His head felt like it was about to split in two. This was the worst roller coaster ride of his life. 

“You used to call me sweetheart, and braid my hair like your mother taught you.” her voice was so soft and soothing in his ear.

Ben wasn’t sure if his heart could take any more ups and downs in his mood. He wanted to sink to the floor and stay there. Instead he got up and walked to the kitchen, and sat around the counter with his eyes closed. 

“Can you sing to me?” 

“What?” her response was validated. Ben didn’t dare to open his eyes. 

“You used to sing to me.. When I couldn’t calm down for whatever reason..” he spoke quietly, and waited. It was something he didn’t like to think about too often, but one of his favourite things about Rey was her singing. 

She could carry a tune, but just barely. She wasn’t going to become the next Celine Dion or Adele, but she still sang because she liked to, and as it turned out Ben liked it too. 

Silence awaited from the line, but Ben was patient for once. He breathed in quick suctions through his nose, holding back the block of emotions building in his chest. Yelling had made it easier to listen. His mind felt a little clearer. He’d needed to let off some steam. Now he could listen - truly, and he believed he would know the truth if such was presented to him. 

She hummed the first few notes of twinkle twinkle little star. Rey’d always loved nursery songs. She said they remind her of a more innocent time. She’d grown up in foster care, so no one had ever sang to her, but she liked singing to others. 

That was her thing. She was kind to others, took care of them. Her heart held so much love, but she had a hard time accepting it for herself. Ben could relate to that on a deeper level. He was the same. It was much easier to love her than to believe she loved him back - and maybe that was one of the reasons why he so truly loved her, and why it was so difficult to stop. Because she was the first person that he actually believed when she said something like love to him. 

She managed the first verse, and Ben had to swallow down the lump in his throat. He’d heard enough. 

“Rey?” 

“Yes.” she sounded out of breath. “Yes, it’s me, Ben.” 

Ben bit his lips together. “God I really want this to be you..” he hated himself for doubting. He just couldn’t help it. He’d waited so long, and got to nowhere. It all seemed too good, to have her be handed back to him as if on a silver plate. 

“I am.” 

Ben believed her. He truly believed her. It didn’t matter that he had no proof but his own mind, and maybe that wasn’t the most trustworthy source, but he was done fighting the feeling that he was making a huge mistake by denying her. 

“Where are you? I’ll get there- I’ll-” 

There came a loud rumbling sound from the line. Like she’d fallen or the phone had dropped. 

“Hello?” Ben’s eyes shot open. “Hello? Can you hear me? Rey-”

A long beeping sound signaled that the call had been cut off. 

Ben stared at the phone in his hand. His pulse must have been through the roof. 

He couldn’t call back to an unknown caller. 

Ben waited for several minutes for the phone to start ringing again. He stared at the black screen, and barely blinked when the phone started to tremble in his hand. 

He swallowed, and with the remaining calmth he had left, placed his phone on the kitchen counter. He brought his two hands in front of him, and watched them shake like he’d never truly seen his own hands before. 

His mouth opened, eyes shut, his hands came up to hold his head from either side - and he screamed. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised, this is my Christmas gift to you :) 
> 
> Thank you for reading, the feedback on the last chapter blew me away! ♥♥   
> I hope you all have happy Holidays! Stay safe, stay healthy, and be good ♥


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey's escape
> 
> TW: Suicidal thoughts, miscarriage, blood, rape, underage sexual assault, death

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And I thought chapter 4 was hard to write.

Dean.

Her son's name was Dean.

Rey didn't know why. They'd talked about baby names with Ben, but none of those seemed fitting anymore. This child wouldn't have the life they'd imagined for Noah or Anthony. It seemed almost like tempting fate to name him any of those.

So she needed to come up with a new name, because there weren't many things she could give her child. A name was the least she could offer, and God forbid was she going to let Snoke have any chances to call her baby anything.

She had never known anyone named Dean, but one day she was looking upon his round baby face and puffy red cheeks and the name just came to her.

Rey felt sorry for him, for not being able to give him the life she would have wanted to. Not a warm bed. Not sunshine. Not even enough food. It was devastating to watch the little boy wilt in front of her.

Rey breastfed him as long as he could manage with that alone, but when he started to need solids, she gave more of her food to Dean. She could manage with less, and it was good for her to keep her own weight down. It meant she was less likely to get pregnant.

But not even being malnourished was a sure way to prevent that.

Rey got pregnant again.

She felt her stomach firm and a little bump grew, easily visible on her flattened stomach. It got her back to feeling like death would have been a more merciful solution, but she couldn't - not with Dean around. She could kill herself if the situation called for it but she couldn't kill Dean, and she definitely wasn't leaving him with Snoke.

In the end she didn't have to. Not too long, and she was pulled out of her sleep by a striking pain in her stomach, like she'd been stabbed. She woke up in bloody sheets, but it wasn't bad. No, she was glad, relieved so much that she cried. Not because of the pain or the lost child but because she was so happy she didn't have to carry another one.

It happened a lot of times. Less and less as time went by, as her condition worsened, she got pregnant less easily, but it still happened, and each time, sooner or later, they all bled out of her. 

She knew years were passing by because Dean was growing. He remained small for his age, because he wasn’t getting enough nutrients, but he eventually began walking and talking. 

Snoke was growing older too. There were times when Rey nearly escaped when she got a good kick in his gut, but he pulled Dean up by his hair and threw the little boy against a wall, which got Rey protecting him instead of trying to get the door open. 

He started showing up with a gun.

He didn’t point it at Rey, no he knew she would look down that barrel and tempt him to pull the trigger. 

No, he pointed the gun at Dean, and that got her begging for the opposite. Dean was innocent in this, her only ray of light in the gloomy little room. 

Snoke liked it when she cried. Rey’d long grown numb of anything he could do to her, but she still fully hurt when he involved Dean. 

He was just a child. He didn’t know anything. He didn’t understand what was happening to Rey when the Man came to the room. Rey’d never taught him Snoke’s name. Dean didn’t have to know it. A monster like him didn’t deserve a name, Rey’d explained it to him.

There was Mom and there was Dean, and there was someone out there named Ben, someone Dean had never met, but he would. One day they’d get out of the small room and there would be a blue sky and green grass and people like them everywhere, good people, not like the Man. Rey soon realised Dean had no concept of the sky or what grass was. He still listened carefully, each story she told to him about the outside world, and how they’d one day go there. 

How they’d one day meet Ben, a really, really nice man with black hair and funny looking ears. 

Dean rarely spoke, though he knew how. Rey knew he could because he spoke quite a lot when he was still a toddler. Then when he aged more, he began to quiet down. It must have been psychological, but Rey had no way of helping him. She spoke to him and sang to him, held him in her arms but Dean was slowly slipping inside his shell, going long periods of time without saying so much as a word. 

He never spoke when Snoke was around. Not even when he was younger. Even then he knew that if he opened his mouth, he’d get hurt somehow, or his mom would. He knew not to watch what the Man was doing, but sometimes he’d peek over his shoulder, and Rey could tell he was both confused and scared. 

Rey tried her best to zone out when Snoke was fucking her, but that time she glanced at Dean. He was in the corner, facing the wall like she always told him to while this was happening. 

However this time, he kept peeking at them, nervously, looking like he could cry at any second. He was clearly trying to wrap his brain around what was happening but failing.

“Curious are you, son?” Snoke purred, at a much sweeter tone than he normally used. Rey hated when he called Dean son. He must have noticed Dean’s glances, because he was now looking at the boy sitting in the corner. 

“Don’t talk to him!” Rey spat out, her anger focusing to Snoke. 

The man stopped rutting inside her. He looked upon her face and a second later his large palm struck across her face so hard it made her wince. Rey would have hit him back if she wasn’t tied down. He’d gone back to tying her down, because he could no longer use brute force to hold her down. He was getting older, as they all were, but for him it was a crucial weakness. 

“Shut your whore mouth.” 

He turned back to Dean, a smile on his wrinkly face, the change in his expression immediate, and chilling. 

“Come here little one, I know you’re curious.” he reached a hand out to him. 

“Dean, don’t!” Rey screamed out, which made Snoke hit her again. Rey’d long stopped caring about bruises, but that one would definitely leave a mark. She could taste blood on her lips. 

Dean bounced on his feet. He looked at Rey’s face the whole time he walked to the bedside, afraid Snoke would hit her again if he didn’t obey. 

“Good, good, little one. Here, close your eyes for me.” Snoke put his disgusting palm on Dean’s head and pet it. 

Dean’s mouth turned to a tight line and he shut his eyes. Rey cried out no, but she could do nothing to prevent Snoke, her limbs tied to each corner of the narrow bed. 

Snoke pulled out, and looked upon Rey’s face with a sick smile when he palmed himself to completion. 

“Good boy.” He cooed Dean, whose eyes had opened wide when the warm liquid splashed on his cheeks. 

Dean brought a shaking hand up, and touched the milky white stuff dripping down his face. It stuck to his fingers, tacky and strange.

Rey was crying. Truly crying. She would kill Snoke. She would even if it was the last thing she ever did. 

“Do you know what that is, little one?” Snoke asked while he pulled up his pants. Dean shook his head. 

“You’ll learn.” Snoke just laughed and brought a finger to take a swab off Dean’s forehead. He brought it in his mouth and sucked it clean with a disgusting pop. 

  
  
  


Rey was crying as she wiped Dean's face of the old man's spent.

"I'm sorry love, it's not your fault-" she whispered as she got the last of it cleaned up. "I'm so sorry."

Rey tugged him close, until she could hug him and kiss his forehead. "Mommy's sorry.."

Dean's head panned down. Rey followed his line of sight. He was holding something in his hand.

"What's that?"

Rey opened her hand, and he placed the black plastic object in her palm.

It was a phone.

"The Man.. Dropped it on the bed." Dean’s voice had a strange rumbling to it from not being used. 

Rey was looking at the phone like it was made of gold. She pressed the middle button - it was a senior phone with large buttons and a huge screen. It lit up, and she clutched it to her chest, shedding a few silent tears.

Dean's hand came to her cheek and wiped them dry.

"Sad?" he sounded unsure.

Rey shook her head. "No. This is... This is our way out of here- I just- I can call-"

Rey's mind blanked completely. Call who? Call where? She didn't know where they were. She had no clue. Was she even in the USA anymore? For all she knew they were on the other side of the world, dug inside a mountain somewhere. The rest of the world might as well not exist. 

Really she only wanted to call one person anyway. If she could just.. Hear Ben's voice one last time, then that would be enough, she wouldn’t dare to dream of more than that. 

Rey didn't have to force the number out of her memory. She still knew it by heart, just like she remembered their old address. His parents address. Little strange details that she couldn’t shred from her memory for reasons unknown to her. Perhaps because they were things that reminded her that she’d once had a life outside this small room. 

Ben had always had the same number - if he hadn't changed it while she was gone.

She stood, her thumb quivering over the green button, until she finally pressed it and brought the device to her ear. She kept her eyes on Dean. He was looking at her, mouth a tight line but eyes filling up with curiosity. She realised he’d never seen a phone before.

"Hello?"

The voice that answered was groggy, like she'd woke them up. Rey hadn't even thought about checking the time. She brought the phone from her ear and looked. Three in the morning. The knowledge felt strange in her brain. Day and night didn't feel like real things to her anymore. 

"Hello? Is anyone there?" the man on the line continued and Rey quickly brought the phone back to her ear. What should she say? She really ought to have thought about that first. 

"Is this Ben Solo?" it was the only question she had. The voice sounded similar to the one in her memory, but then again, it had been years. She didn't know what Ben sounded like anymore. 

"Yea, who's this?" 

She sucked in a sharp breath, and held back tears. "It's Rey." 

The line went quiet for so long that Rey thought the call had cut off. But then- 

"Fuck off." and then it actually shut. 

Rey's eyes closed and she slumped to the floor. Dean was still standing where he was, not budging an inch. Rey tried to calm her breathing. It was Ben, that last curse, it couldn't belong to anyone else. It was strange. He'd told her off, but what Rey was feeling was relief. 

Ben had answered. He spoke to her, even if it was just a little. Ben was still out there. 

"Mommy?" 

Rey lifted her head. Dean was shifting in his footsteps. Rey extended her arms to him, and the little boy crawled to her lap. 

"We're getting out of here, love. I promise." she took the phone one more time and went through the screen. 97% battery. However long that was, she needed to get out before it hit zero. The time to get out was now. She’d tried before and failed. She didn’t know what it was about the phone that got her hopes flying high for the first time in ages. Maybe that was it. It was hope. The small device was hope, it was a connection to the rest of the world. A lifeline. 

Rey knew it was a risk, but she turned the phone off completely. She needed to save the battery. She tried turning it on, and it asked for a pin-code. 

Four numbers. 

Snoke was an old man, growing older with each passing moment. His pin couldn’t be anything too elaborate. She tried the basics of 0000 and 1234 but neither of them worked. She had one more left before the phone would lock. 

Rey stared at the screen, trying to think of something, some easy to remember number that Snoke would have as his phone pin-code. 

Rey had a number in mind, but it was a huge leap. 

Snoke had been obsessed with her even back then, coming to the clinic for well over a year, before the kidnapping. Rey couldn’t understand why, but after 10 years of dealing with him and getting an insight to how the man’s mind worked, Rey was willing to bet she was right. 

Her birth year.

The screen unlocked. Rey nearly screamed from joy. She jumped, making Dean flinch. Rey soothed him, pulling the little boy on to the bed and calmed him until he was asleep. Rey felt like she might not be able to. Not with the excitement of finally having a real chance to get away. 

  
  


Tracking time was easier, now that she had a clock on the phone to look at. She tried calling Ben again the next time, only to get ignored. She tried to convince herself that it was because he was busy doing something else, but it was hard. It felt deliberate, especially after how he’d reacted yesterday. 

In a way, Rey could understand. A lot of time had passed, and Ben must have come to some sort of conclusion about her. The phone told her the year was 2019. Ten whole years had gone by, and though on some level Rey knew it, it didn’t feel real. The world kept moving around her while she stayed put. 

It was possible that Ben had found someone else and moved on.

Rey didn’t want to think about it. Time really had gone by, and Ben probably thought she was dead. It was likely that he had a new beautiful wife already. Maybe a kid or two, people who he loved. Rey liked to think that he was happy and healthy and living life as if she’d never existed. It tore her chest to think about it, but at the same time, she didn’t want him to suffer. She knew he had suffered - she didn’t doubt that he was hurt by her disappearance, he must have been, but unlike her he had the whole world around him to do anything he wanted, go where he wanted. 

It was probably cruel to keep on calling, but that’s what she did. Called, over and over again until he finally answered again. 

It went as well as the first call. He didn’t believe her. Understandable, but Rey really hoped he would have listened. Would he have believed her if she got a chance to tell him everything? Probably not. Ben had never been one to be led around, he was too doubtful for that. Rey’s gut churned with desperation each time he begged her to stop calling. He wasn’t unaffected, that was for certain. He sounded fragile and angry, but like it was all coated in sadness. The problem seemed to be that he didn’t want to believe her. 

Rey picked up a routine to call the same time each day, after Snoke’s visit, because it was less likely that he’d burst in while she was on the phone. 

She hid the phone under her mattress. 

Snoke had been acting strange for a while. He got out of breath abnormally easily, and he was growing weaker. Rey believed he was sick somehow, but she couldn’t know how. The escape had to happen soon, because if Snoke died on his own, they’d get stuck and starve to death. 

It had to happen right then. 

  
  


The next time Snoke came to the room, Rey went to him first. Usually she tried to escape, or fought back, but now she sauntered to him, looking right up at his nasty wrinkly face and gave him her best puppy eyes. 

“Well what’s this now..?” Snoke smirked, drawing so close he could hold her wrists in tight grips, so she couldn’t make sudden movements. 

Rey pressed right against him and spoke with a husky tone. She disgusted herself, but it was only to distract Snoke so Dean could get to the door. 

“I need my baby daddy..” 

Snoke’s lips drew to a crooked smile, his bony hand palming her stomach. 

“I knew you’d come around..” 

Rey hummed contently, trying not to show the emotions of vile his actions brought up in her. She glanced over Snoke’s shoulder, to see Dean on the door. The door wasn’t locked. It was shut, but it was never locked when Snoke was inside. He wouldn’t lock himself there. 

Rey slowly lifted her hands and Snoke allowed it, trailing up his chest until she was cupping his face and pulling him down to kiss him. 

Snoke groaned to her mouth, he tasted like cigarettes and unwashed teeth. Rey held her breath, grabbed the man by the ears and used everything she had to push him to the side. 

“Fucking bitch!” Snoke stumbled, but got his balance back, and punched her gut. “I’ll kill the brat! I kill the fucking bastard” 

Rey vomited, the contents of her stomach rising up by the force of the hit she got to her belly. She scrambled back up, when Snoke grabbed Dean by the hair and pressed the gun Snoke had on his belt to his head. 

Rey screamed and grabbed Snoke’s arm, forcing the gun off of Dean. 

She could see struggle on Snoke’s face, a drop of sweat dripped down the side of his head, and suddenly he was clutching his chest. 

Rey didn’t stop to think, she gathered whatever strength she had left and punched Snoke to his jaw. It probably hurt her hand more, but he couldn’t bring his balance back up. His heel caught the corner of the bed. Rey watched him fall down in a waving crash. 

There was a nasty crack when the back of his head met the tiles. His eyes went to glass. Blood started gushing to the floor from where he hit his head.

Rey rushed to Dean, who had the phone in his tiny hands. She grabbed Dean by the arm and ran. 

They passed through several rooms, until there was a staircase that went up. So it was a basement of some sort. 

Rey kept looking over her shoulder, but she didn’t hear anything or see Snoke following them. She still kept to the instinct to run for her life. 

The basement door opened to a wardrobe. Rey pushed forward, until they were tumbling to the floor of a grandiose master bedroom. 

Dean looked around with wide eyes. He’d never been outside the small room. He grabbed to Rey’s arm, and she had to push him to keep moving, scared by what was opening in front of him. 

“Go on, Dean, we have to keep moving- we-” Rey stopped herself. 

She was still in the dirty button up. She took them a couple of coats from the wardrobe, all too big for either of them, but they were better than nothing. Dean had a t-shirt on but it nearly reached the floor, that’s how big it was on him. 

Rey put an overcoat on him, and one on herself and kept on pulling Dean after her. 

The house was huge, but all Rey could think of was getting out of there. She didn’t want to spend a second longer in there. They needed to get away, they needed to get to civilization, no matter how far that was. 

Rey took a pair of shoes by the door and shoved her feet in them, even though they were much too big. There weren’t any shoes small enough for Dean, but she found a pair of gloves and stuffed his feet in those before going outside. 

The cold, fresh air hit her like she’d walked into a wall. 

It had been ten years since she’d had fresh air in her lungs. Dean looked to be in awe, clinging to Rey’s hand, quiet as a mouse with how he looked around with wide blown eyes. Rey wished she could stop to appreciate her son seeing the world for the first time, but she was in a rush to get out - adrenaline coaxing her to keep going even though it was already night time, or at least late in the evening, she hadn’t checked the time. 

They ran until the house fell out of sight, then she dared to walk. 

“Mom.”

Rey’s head twisted around. Dean was walking with his face tilted up to the sky. 

“Yes, love?” 

Dean just pointed to the sky, and Rey realised it was clear.

There were stars above them, the moon lighting the road they stood on. 

Dean was gaping at it all, tears filling in his eyes. 

“What is that?” he sounded scared and mystified at the same time. 

“That’s the sky. And the little things are stars.” 

“Sky..” Dean’s voice was but a whisper. 

Rey fell to one knee and wiped the few drops that escaped from his eyes down his cheeks. Dean turned to look at her. He blew steam, waving his hand through the small cloud his breathing created in the freezing air. 

“It smells light.” 

“Light?” 

“The air isn’t.. thick.” Dean’s brows were furrowed like he was truly struggling to form thoughts. Rey could imagine it all being quite much for a little boy to take in for the first time. He had nothing he could compare these normal, everyday things to. 

Rey puffed a little laugh, before nodding. It was Dean’s first time breathing fresh air. “It is light.” 

She got back up and offered Dean her hand to hold, and they kept walking. 

It seemed that the house was in some secluded place, because they were surrounded by the woods, and the road they walked didn’t have any asphalt on it. 

“Tired..” Dean started to murmur after a while. 

Rey was too. She stopped and sat on the hem of the jacket. Dean crawled on her lap, curling there. Rey kissed the top of his head and breathed slowly. 

They rested for a while, but once Rey started getting cold she knew they had to keep going. She didn’t spend ten years in a basement to freeze to death on the side of the road. 

She picked up the phone one more time. Ben had to listen. He had to. She would make him listen if it was the last thing she did. 

She started to see lights in the distance, street lights maybe, or possibly another house. 

Rey was surprised when Ben answered, and even more surprised by his sudden willingness to listen to her. 

It hurt how easy it was to remember things of their time together. She imagined that some of it she must have come up with while she was captured, but then others she was sure were true. 

The first kiss. The first touch. The first time she met Han and Leia. The first I love you. Their first apartment together. Proposal, their wedding, their own house. They were all things she remembered well, but when Ben demanded for more details she told him about Luke. 

It had felt strange at first, Ben always sleeping with his back to her. As a young woman it had felt almost like an insult, but she knew why he was like that, and she couldn’t blame him. He tried so hard to be better for her, and that’s really all Rey cared about. That he tried. 

Then he yelled. Rey wasn’t sure if it was because of what she said, or what had triggered this rage, but she felt her throat close up. It felt like hope slipping through her fingers with each rage filled word being cursed at her. 

Rey is dead. She is dead. It was a strange, unreal feeling. It reminded her more and more that she had been gone for an entire decade. The time spent in the basement didn’t feel real to her, but it most certainly had been real to everyone else. To Ben. 

He was panting on the other side of the line. 

“I’m lost.” 

“If you need help, call 911. Not me.” 

“Nine-” Rey’s hand flew to her mouth. There was an emergency number. She could remember Ben’s number but not something that simple. She’d never felt so stupid. After being locked up for so long, without help, she’d forgotten that there was a number she could have called, one that would have sent help. She’d waited for help for so long without getting any, she’d stopped thinking about help. She was the only one who could help herself. 

Rey kept on walking with Dean in tow. He was dragging his feet, getting tired. He’d never walked this far and frankly it was getting to her as well. Her legs were shaking, but the streetlights were so close. They were streetlights, she could see it now. There was a highway, and she could hear cars on the road. 

When Ben asked her to sing, her eyes began to sting again. He wasn’t gone. He was still there. Listening. 

Rey looked to the sky and smiled. 

Twinkle twinkle little star… How I wonder what you are.. Up above the world so high.. Like a diamond in the sky.. Twinkle twinkle little star.. How I wonder what you are.

“Rey?”

She sniffled. It was the first time he’d addressed her with her name. It felt like warmth flowing over her. 

“God I want this to be you.. “ 

“I am.” That was all she could say. Her heart felt so light. She’d reached him, after trying so many times he finally listened, and he believed her. 

Her vision began to blur rapidly with the wash of relief. She hadn’t realised how incredibly tired she truly was, not until then. How exhausted she was. 

The lights in the little distance blurred, and fell to the side when her legs gave out, and she passed out, the phone dropping from her hand to the side. 

  
  


***

  
  


“Mom?” Dean stood frozen where his mom had collapsed. 

“Mommy?” his voice began to tremble and he dared closer, tugging on Rey’s shoulder. 

It was like she was asleep, but she never fell asleep like that. Dean kept tugging on her shoulder, trying to shake her, but his mom didn’t answer. 

There were the lights in the little distance. Lights and something rumbling. 

A monster with glowing eyes turned to them. It had lights for eyes and it approached them, rumbling a deep sound. It looked like it floated. It didn’t walk, just rolled forward, until it stopped right in front of them. Dean didn’t dare to move, just hugged his mom tighter. 

The side of the monster opened, and someone stepped out. Someone who had grey hair and wrinkles like the Man but a nice face like mom. 

“Little boy, are you alright?” Her voice was nice too. 

Dean looked at her, and his mom, and then back to her, words stuck in her throat. 

“Do you need help?”

She approached, slowly, until it seemed that she saw something that had her hand coming to up her mouth. 

“Oh dear..” 

Dean didn’t know what it was she saw, but she had a similar black thing that the Man had and she used it like mom had, putting it on her ear and talking to it. 

Moments later another monster with light eyes came. It made an awful sound, howling like the monster was in pain. It had flashing colors on the head, and a lot of people came out from inside. 

This must have been what mom was talking about. This was the world. The sky, colors and people. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got this out much faster than I was expecting but hey, I suppose that's a good thing 
> 
> Thank you for all your support ♥


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: Talk of alcoholism, suicide/suicidal thoughts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a bit shorter chapter, but no less important.

“I will. Love you.” Leia said to the phone. 

Han listened from a distance. It sounded like Leia was talking to Ben, but it had been some time since she’d had a smile on her face after one of their calls. Usually their calls entailed yelling at each other from both sides, and ended with Leia upset and hiding her tears from Han while she marched in some other room to calm down. 

Leia was helicopter parenting a near 40-year-old man, and Han was sure she was aware of it. Han didn’t want to say anything, it would only make Leia mad at him. Leis had always been like that. She took lead because it was the only way she felt sure and in control of what was happening around her. Han knew it frustrated her as much as Ben, though maybe from a different perspective. Ben getting frustrated because Leia wouldn’t leave him alone. Leia, because she couldn’t get Ben’s life under control. 

Han supposed they had different ways of parenting, and Han didn’t want to think Ben liked him better because of it, but things had always been much more difficult between Ben and Leia, than they were with him and Ben. His son was as stubborn as his mother, and as reclusive as Han. It made for a difficult man to leash. When he was a teenager Han believed he acted out to spite them, and he must have. 

“How was he?” Han had to ask after Leia put the phone down. She was looking at her hands with a coy smile, as if she was happy but wouldn’t quite dare to show it, as if it was a fragile thing, like a wild animal that would scare away if she made too much noise. 

“Better. He sounded.. Almost normal.” Leia glanced at Han, and he felt her smile infectious. Han just nodded. He dared to think that maybe last week was just a temporary relapse. That maybe Ben had stumbled down the hill but hadn’t gone over the cliff. However Han had long forgotten what normal was. Was it the man pretending he was okay, and lived a hollow life for the past year or was it the part of Ben that couldn’t be recovered? Han feared it was the latter. 

“I can’t believe I’m even saying this but he sounded happy.” Leia shook her head. Han agreed, it sounded unnatural. 

“That’s good.” Han didn’t want to say too much. Something ominous dug at his chest. Like this was only the beginning of something terrible. He had a good sense of these things, a gut feeling that had kept him from harm before. 

Han left the room and went to the garage instead. He liked to sit there sometimes, especially on nights like this when he was in his head, and he needed room to think. 

Leia hovered around Ben but Han worried no less. He didn’t like being as vocal about it, in fear of deterring Ben off even more. 

It had felt like a miracle when he’d met Rey. She was like a bridge between their son and them, Han and Leia. Han liked to think she’d saved their family from falling apart, if you could give one person that much credit. 

Han had known from the moment he met Rey that this was the girl for Ben. Not only because she was a pretty girl with a firm handshake, but because of the way he made his broody, hard to reach son smile. Rey was so strong in spirit, a true fighter, and the type of person who people wanted to see smile, that she coaxed out the best even in Ben. Han had always known Ben was a kind person, and gentle, but people didn’t want to see it, and he most certainly didn’t want to show it. Not until Rey came along at least. Han had come to think of her as a daughter in some way. She was family, from the very beginning. 

Ben took her disappearance like the sun had died out, but Han was a close second, even if he kept his pain more hidden. He didn’t want to break down in front of Ben. He was suffering enough, it wouldn’t have been fair for him to witness how hurt Han was as well. 

Han was not a spiritual man, nor did he believe in heaven or God but that was the one time in his life that he prayed for her safe return. 

When that didn’t happen, he turned to blaming instead. Every time Han had to drag Ben’s passed out body to bed or change his soiled clothes he blamed God for it all - for taking away someone who’d never wanted harm to anyone. Someone truly good at heart. Han knew he was projecting, because he had no one else to blame. No name or a face to guilt for taking Rey away from them, and he wouldn’t dare blame Ben either for his own condition, even if it truthfully was his own doing. 

It was all just pointless suffering and Han was more than angry, he was vicious, wanting something to curse at. 

Sitting now in the garage, with Leia’s words spinning in his mind, about Ben sounding normal or happy, whatever that was, he didn’t pray or blame or curse at anyone. 

Han dared to hope instead. Hope that Ben was going to be okay one day. Han wasn’t getting any younger. Though they’d had Ben at a young age, Han felt as though he’d aged more than ten years in the past decade, and in a way he must have. Leia had greyed before his very eyes. That was what stress and worry did to the human body, aged it. 

That’s what worried him at the moment. He was turning 70 in just a short few years, and though he wasn’t expecting to die any time soon, he hoped Ben would be okay once he truly wouldn’t be there anymore. It might have been strange to think about, but what parent wanted to die knowing their child would be left completely alone. 

Han sat there on the hood of his silver Ford Falcon, and tried to recall something that would make him happier. 

He had an old bookshelf right across from him, though it didn’t have any books. It had tools and junk on all shelves, in a perfect, controlled chaos. He made himself smile thinking that Rey would have been appalled by it - she was well organised. 

Han had been caught by surprise when one day well over fifteen years ago, not long after Ben first introduced them to Rey, he found Rey bent under the hood of the Falcon, tearing out pieces of the engine. Han had nearly screamed. It was a vintage car, she was going to destroy it. 

Ben had laughed, told Han to take a seat and watch while this firecracker of a lady took apart the engine, cleaned the parts and put it back together in a matter of hours. The whole time Ben had sat there with him with a smug smile on his face as if to say _See_. 

Han had to admit he had been impressed. Rey told that she used to spend a lot of time salvaging old cars. It wasn’t hard to believe. She could have been a professional if she hadn’t gotten into the medical business. 

Ben had always been more unfocused, interested in the strangest things. What sort of 10-year-old wanted a calligraphy set for his birthday? Ben did, and that’s what he got, but it didn’t get any less strange from there. He studied astronomy, advanced mathematics, things Han had no idea what they were. Then there was the art thing, that he turned to a career later. What did not surprise him was that Ben didn’t have many friends growing up, nor a lot of girls coming to see him. Han supposed there’d been maybe one, not more than two, but he’d forgotten their names long since Rey came into the picture. 

The door through which Han had walked to the garage opened, Leia standing in the doorway with her shoulder leaning against the frame. 

“Brooding, are you?” she asked, only for Han to nod in return. 

“You wouldn’t happen to know how to turn back time?” 

Leia walked down to him, and perched right next to him on the hood of the car, taking his calloused hand in hers. 

“And what would you do?” Leia looked at the same shelf, fingers drawing tiny circles in his palm. He hardly felt them with how rough his skin was. 

“I’d go to the clinic and drive Rey home. Or maybe walk with her. Or run out the bushes and knock in the teeth of whoever took her from us.” 

Leia puffed, her lips drawing together in a tight line. 

“Or maybe she just left. On her own.” 

Han stiffened. No one believed that, not even Leia even though she said it. It was a truly terrifying thing to even think about. Han had felt personally insulted when the police asked if they believed it was a possibility, though the insult must have been more to Ben. 

“Don’t say things like that.” Han shut his palm, trapping Leia’s fingers inside it, but not squeezing too hard. “Are you implying you wouldn’t change things if you could?”

Leia shook her head. “If I could, I would, but I can’t so I’d much rather focus on the present.” 

She was right. Han shouldn’t have been wallowing, but that’s still what he did. Went over ifs and buts and could haves. 

Leia brought his hand up to her lips and kissed his knuckles. She was rarely so openly affectionate. Han didn’t comment on it, just took it as a sign that she knew he wouldn’t stop thinking, just like she wouldn’t stop trying to fix what was in front of her. 

  
  
  


Han was watching reruns of Law and Order on TV, his feet propped on the coffee table even though Leia hated when he did that, and would most likely slap the back of his head if she caught him. 

The clock was getting closer to eleven than not, and he thought about going to sleep, even though he knew sleep wouldn’t come for hours. He could hear Leia brushing her teeth in the bathroom, the quiet buzz of the electronic toothbrush humming through the air while the show cut to commercials. 

It had been a strangely peaceful night to be sure. For the better half of a week he’d had to babysit Ben, or, _parent_ , as they said, so the sudden serenity felt odd. He didn’t have to keep looking over his shoulder, but he did anyway out of a force of habit. 

He kept glancing at the liquor cabinet to make sure it was still intact and locked, even though there was no longer alcohol in it. After the first night Ben was back home, Han poured them all down the drain. There must have been hundreds of dollars worth of fine, high quality alcohol there, and Han hadn’t thought twice about throwing it all away for his son’s sake. He could never tell how long Ben’s visits would last, and it had been some time since his last overnight stay, so Han had dared to purchase bottles, but they were for nothing, it seemed, if not a good example to make.

Ben had wanted to watch when he poured them down the drain. He hadn’t said a word the entire time, and Han couldn’t tell what was going through his mind - if he was pitying the waste or if he was determined to learn something from watching. 

On the kitchen counter, Leia’s phone started ringing, and it kept ringing until Han had to look over his shoulder. 

“Leia, your phone!”

His lovely wife of many, many years stepped out of the bathroom and marched to the kitchen, with a toothbrush still sticking from her mouth. Han couldn’t help but smile at the sight. She still managed to look cute in his eyes, even if age had formed wrinkles on her face and greyed her hair. 

“Nothing is preventing you from answering.” she scoffed, her tone playfully mad. 

“It’s your phone, princess.” Han just quipped back, his focus returning to the TV. It was a bit strange for someone to be calling at this hour, but then again, no it wasn’t. Their friends knew they were night owls. Neither of them would be sleeping before midnight. 

Han could hear Leia talking in the kitchen, but he wasn’t paying attention to what was being said. He surfed the channels, hoping to find something better to watch, but alas there was nothing interesting on, so he returned to his original program. 

“Thank you for calling, we’ll handle it from here.. Goodnight.” Leia was walking to the living room, and this time Han did pay attention. There was something incredibly strange about her voice. Like it was on the verge of cracking. 

Han glanced over his shoulder, and all color had faded from Leia’s face. She looked at the phone and clutched it to her chest, eyes locked on to something in the middle distance that wasn’t there. 

“Who was it?”

Leia cleared her throat, but her voice remained strained. 

“That was.. “ She took in a slow shaking breath. “That was Ben’s neighbour.”

Han sighed deep. Ben’s neighbours had their phone number. They’d given them back when he’d been on suicide watch, just so they could call if they heard or saw something that felt odd to them. They’d informed them that the situation was better already, but sometimes they’d still get calls if Ben was being obnoxiously loud or if something else stuck out to them. They hadn’t gotten a call in over a year, Han had forgotten that they still had the number.

“So he’s drunk again.” Han knew he should have guessed the moment the phone rang. Of course it was about Ben, it always was. 

“I’ll go get him, you can relax.” Han let out a heavy exhale, having done the same routine a thousand times before. 

Leia just shook her head, her lip pinching between her teeth. Her eyes fell to the floor. 

That got Han to stand up, brows furrowed. Something was definitely not right. 

He walked to his wife, fingers tenderly brushing against her arm. It had been some time since he’d seen Leia this shaken up by something. 

“What is it?”

“Han-” her voice cracked. 

“Leia, talk to me.”

Leia swallowed, blinking rapidly as she took Han’s hand in hers. She was trembling. Leia looked up, and her normally bright eyes were dim and hopeless, like something inside her had just shattered. 

“Ben killed himself.”

It took three words for Han’s world to stop spinning. 

Silence filled the apartment. Leia was crying while Han wrapped quietly his arms around her. He breathed in deep, trying to process what Leia had just told him, but it wouldn’t go through. 

“What? That can’t be right- he wasn’t- just now he was-” 

He was what, Han wondered. Doing better? Sounded happy? When just a few days ago he was a wreck. The more Han thought about it the more ominous it sounded. He remembered the strange feeling in his gut when Leia was on the phone earlier in the day. Ben had been so sure when he went back to his apartment - calm. Not unlike someone who’d already made up their mind about something

His shirt collar felt tight around his neck. Han could feel his knees starting to tremble. His body was reacting to the news faster than his mind could. Slowly, he sank to the floor with his back against the backrest of the sofa, still holding Leia in his arms.

“How would the neighbour know?”

“She said Ben was yelling- that it sounded like he was destroying the apartment- and then she heard a loud crash or and- and, and then it got quiet- all at once the whole place went silent- Han-” Leia was sobbing to his chest. 

Han breathed in deep, his head turning up towards the ceiling as the tears caught up with what he was feeling. His hands were growing cold, and Leia weighed nothing on his chest compared to how heavy his heart had turned. Like it had transformed to a ball of iron, struggling to keep beating. 

His son was dead. For real this time. There had been scares before, times when he was actually afraid to go to sleep at night in fear that Ben wouldn’t be alive in the morning. That fear was nothing compared to this. Nothing would ever be. It felt like everything and nothing at the same time. 

He let his mouth hang open, gravity pulling the tears out his eyes when he kept facing the ceiling. He’d never felt so weak in his life. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Um.. Surprise?? Feel free to throw a brick at me, I deserve it. 
> 
> Also happy new years eve everyone ♥


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Han and Leia go find Ben 
> 
> TW: Blood, talk of suicide, emotional breakdown

Han and Leia drove to Ben’s apartment. No one turned on the radio in the car, no one said a word. The air in the car felt thick and uncomfortable. Han abused the speed limit, thankful that there wasn’t a lot of traffic on the way to the apartment building. 

They expected to see blue police lights, but the parking lot was blissfully dark and quiet. No one had called the authorities. Han supposed it was for the better. He wanted to see Ben first, without any cop trying to get a statement out of him. He wanted to say goodbye before anything else. In his head, he’d done that six years ago, but this time he feared he would have to say it out loud. 

Han dropped the keys two times before getting them into the lock. He feared what would await beyond the door. He didn’t think Ben could take his own life, but he also hadn’t believed he could become an alcoholic. Situations drove people to do things you wouldn’t expect of them, though he supposed this wasn’t an entire surprise. 

Leia held his arm for strength, stopping him from opening the door, once the lock turned and they were about to enter. 

Han understood her meaning. He left the key in the lock and turned to Leia, sinking his forehead to hers. 

“What do you think- how do you think he-” Leia couldn’t finish the sentence. Han could do nothing but shrug. He couldn’t even imagine what could be waiting for them beyond that door. 

Han didn’t think Ben had a gun, but there seemed to be a lot of things he didn’t know about him anymore. 

“It doesn’t matter how”, he closed his eyes, thumb caressing Leia’s cheek. He felt a warm drop go down his hand, but he didn’t attempt to dry it. 

“Our baby’s alright. Ben is alright now.“ it was all Han could say. Ben wasn’t in pain anymore. He’d fought for so long, it was the one thing Han could latch on - that his son wasn’t hurting anymore. 

Leia gasped a shallow breath, but she agreed. Neither of them condoned suicide, but if there was any comfort to be found in the situation, it was that. 

They stood there again for a minute, before Han kissed Leia’s forehead and reached for the door. 

“Are you here for the drunkard?” 

Han’s face twisted in the direction of the voice. It was an old woman peeking from behind a cracked door. She must have been closer to 90 years old if not older. 

“I already phoned the mother. Told that the man killed himself.” she opened the door further. Han shared a glance with Leia, both of them silent for the lack of words. “Better be quick about it, I don’t want him to start stinking up the hallway.” 

Han’s throat bobbed in a swallow. Leia hadn’t said what the woman had said on the phone but if those had been the exact words, Han would rip her head off, elderly woman or not. 

“Did you see him?” his voice cracked. 

“I heard what I heard. And serves him right too, I’ve been waiting for this day. That boy ain’t right. No I don’t have to listen to that constant crying anymore.” the woman scoffed, and Han’s jaw clenched. 

“Shut the fuck up.” 

“Excuse you, mister. Mind your tongue.” 

Han was out of Leia’s reach, marching for the door, when the elderly lady shut it in front of his face. He hit his fist against it. He was so angry he didn’t care if he woke up the entire building or got the cops called on him. 

“Listen lady, I’ve had the worst night of my life, my son is dead, I curse if I fucking want to!” 

Leia came back to him, placing a hand on his arm. She was frowning, not saying a word, yet everything that mattered was there. Being mad at the woman next door wasn’t helping. They needed to go to Ben. 

  
  


The apartment was torn to pieces. 

Leia squeezed his hand tighter as they walked in slowly. At first glance it looked worse, but really it seemed that all that had been done was the bookshelf collapsing. The glass doors had shattered and the floor coated in shards of glass - and blood. There were bloody footprints around the place. Han was starting to think that maybe they should call the police, but he decided against it - not yet, he needed to see him. 

They roamed the kitchen and the living room and peeked inside the bathroom. It was so quiet, it was like even the floorboards had stopped creaking. You could have heard a pin drop. 

Han stopped at the bedroom door. It was shut, but not entirely closed. He looked to Leia, standing on the other side of the room. 

They still hadn’t found Ben. It meant he was behind that door, in what shape, they could only guess. Han braced himself, but he was sure there was nothing he could do to prepare seeing his dead son’s corpse. He only hoped that Ben’s brains wouldn’t be scattered on the walls. 

He pushed the door open slowly, letting it slide with its own weight. 

The bed was untouched, laundry hanging from dryers. It looked like anyone’s bedroom would, but in the far side from the door was a sight a parent never wanted to see. 

Ben was laying on the floor, his back to the door, hair splayed on the ground and looking smaller than he ever had. 

Leia winced, and Han had to turn his back. He breathed in deep, before turning back around and slowly making his way to his son. 

Ben was on his side, and Han knelt behind him, shaking fingers stroking through his damp black hair. 

“I’m sorry, Benny.. I’m so sorry.” Han whispered through a flood of tears. 

“Dad.” 

Han’s heart dropped. He looked back at Leia who was equally frozen. She’d heard it too. Han grabbed Ben’s shoulder and turned him on his back. His eyes opened slowly, but they were blank, like he wasn’t even awake. But he was breathing, shallow, thin breaths.

“Benny, oh God- oh fuck-” Han didn’t know what to do, so he cradled him up in his arms and held him like a baby. 

“Leia- call-” Han looked to the door, Leia was already on the phone with the emergency services. 

Han’s eyes dropped back to Ben. He was cold as a block of ice, shivering, all color drained from his face. Han hugged his head under his chin, breathing in deep. 

“You’re going to be okay- Ben, I swear you’re not dying here..” 

“Dad..” Ben shifted a little. Han prepared to hear objections. Ben had already broken Han’s heart telling him he wanted to die, many years ago, but Han was sure it didn’t make them any easier to hear a second time. 

“Shh.. I’m here.. It’s okay.” 

“I want to go to Rey.” 

Somehow that was so much worse. Han’s chest ached, like his heart was being torn out while it was still beating, his breathing nearly clogging by the lump in his throat. 

“I want Rey-” 

“Of course.. of course..” the answer came without thinking. Han didn’t even care anymore. Ben was in some kind of shock or something, Han would tell him anything he wanted to hear if it helped. 

“Rey’s alive- she’s- I want-” Ben’s voice broke, and his body went even more limp in Han’s lap, like he was melting through the floor. 

Han took in a deep breath. Leia came to the room and knelt right in front of them, her hand stroking across the expanse of Ben’s back. She told Han the ambulance was on its way.

“Benny, have you taken something?” her voice was soft, though hurt. One of them had to hold it together and Han had already noticed that he was not going to be the one. “Have you been drinking?” 

Ben shook his head, still buried against Han. 

“What about- pills? You can tell us.” 

Han bit his lips until he tasted blood. There had never been reason to think Ben took drugs, but considering everything, now it seemed like something Han would just have to add to the list of things he hadn’t thought his son was capable of.

“No-” 

Leia glanced at Han through wet eyes, before taking Ben’s arms and scooting his sleeves high enough to check them for punctures, finding none. 

There was nothing more they could do, but wait. 

Leia sat next to Han, humming soft tones in Ben’s ear, her hand over his arm, stroking calmly. Slowly, Ben started to warm up, his body stopping to shiver, his breathing becoming stronger and steadier, instead of gasping for air when his lungs emptied. Han’s arms were aching, but he wouldn’t dare let go. If he lay Ben down now he might as well never do it again. 

The ambulance came. 

Together they got Ben to sit on the edge of the bed. He clung to Han’s arm, not letting him go. The paramedics cleaned the glass from Ben’s feet, took a breathalyzer test as well as a quick drug test but both were clear. 

“It seems he’s in a psychological shock. Do you know if there’s anything that could have triggered it?” The paramedics started backing up their equipment. 

Leia shook her head. Han thought about the phone calls, about if this could have something to do with them. Ben wasn’t all that shaken by anything that wasn’t related to Rey anymore. 

“He might have gotten a phone call.. about his.. wife.” Han muttered, not wanting to say dead in front of Ben. The way he said it implied that the wife in question wasn’t there anymore. 

“His cuts were superficial and he’s not in any life threatening state. Still, you shouldn’t leave him alone until he’s calmed down completely, usually that should take anywhere from a few hours to days.. if he’s still this shaken up tomorrow afternoon, go to the emergency room.” the paramedic instructed. 

  
  


***

  
  


Ben woke up, curled on a ball in between his two parents. His face was mushed to his father’s chest. Everything was a bit hazy, the world around him clearing slowly. He blinked lazily and pushed himself to sit up. 

Rey. He’d been on the phone with Rey and then it had cut off. He could remember his hands shaking, then bits and pieces, but it was like the whole night was clouded in a fog. 

“Ben?” 

His head turned around. It was his mother who’d woken up. Her eyes were bloodshot. Ben couldn’t remember when she’d last looked so broken. 

“What happened?” Ben had to ask. Not every day did he wake up in his own bed, in a sandwich with his parents. 

Han shifted, Ben’s attention flying to him. He rubbed his eyes for a moment before waking up fully. 

“We got a call.. your- your neighbour thought you killed yourself.” Leia’s voice was choked. She held it together, but just barely. 

Killed himself? Ben was confused. He didn’t have a memory of attempting to. 

“I don’t- I don’t remember.” he shook his head. 

“The paramedics said that might happen. You had gone in.. some kind of shock apparently. Do you remember anything?” Leia sat up, her hand placing between Ben’s shoulder blades. Ben allowed the pressure to soothe him, to ground him back to reality. 

“I was on the phone.. the call cut off. I don’t- that’s where it starts to get hazy..” Ben shrunk in on himself, clutching his own hands. His fingers were still cold. 

“Who was on the phone?” Han came to his other side. 

Ben sealed his lips. How could he say he was on the phone with Rey? They wouldn’t believe him. He knew it before anything, but he still glanced at his father shyly under his brows. 

“Rey.” 

The room got quiet again. 

“I know you don’t believe me, but it’s true. She’s.. she’s alive.” Ben felt ashamed even saying it, but he had to get it out of his system. 

“I believe you, kid.” 

Ben’s eyes shot up. Han had a sad sort of smile on his lips, and he stroked Ben’s head. His mouth parted to say something, when Leia shot up from where she had been sitting. 

“That’s enough! Han, don’t encourage him!”

“Leia-” Han began with a low and firm voice, but his wife is not having any of that. 

“No! I’ve had enough!” she snapped, making both men press their mouths shut. 

“You’re hurt. We all are. But this is too much- do you know what your father and I just went through? Do you understand? We thought you died. That you were gone. That was the last straw, Ben. Rey is dead, and it’s time you realise that.” Leia barked with a tone Ben hadn’t heard in forever. It was unexpected, and it made him feel like a stupid teenager once again. 

“She’s not- she was on the phone-” he puttered, but the defenses died out on his lips. 

“BEN! You can’t honestly be this gullible! Some woman is toying with you, and you’re letting her take advantage of you! You’re choosing to believe a lie because the truth hurts. Rey is dead. That’s the truth. She’s never coming back. I’m sorry. But you need to understand that.”

Leia was pacing in front of him. Of course Ben understood he was being ridiculous. None of this made any sense, and even the less the fact that he had believed the woman on the phone. Logically, he knew Rey was dead, but he’d still believed it was Rey on the phone. It didn’t make any sense. 

“I- I understand..“

“Good.”

“I just- it was so real- she knew things..” 

“You’re being manipulated.” Leia almost groaned, her hand stroking through her hair. 

“She knew about Luke!”

That made Han’s head whip to Ben. Ben was looking at his hands for the lack of confidence. They never directly talked about Luke and what had happened with him - But they knew. They knew from the way Ben got smaller each time the name was brought up. From the way he, as a teenage boy, started sleeping with the lights on and the door open. Han’s hand came to squeeze Ben’s forearm, but said nothing. 

“That- that doesn’t mean she’s Rey..” Leia sighed, her voice coated with pity. 

“I believed she was.. I thought she- she was.. She was real..” She was real. To Ben at least, she had been very real. 

“What she was, Ben, was a really good liar. She played you for a fool.” 

Ben said nothing after that. He was looking down, taking in what had been said. Han glanced at Leia, something unspoken passing between them 

“What your mother means is that.. Maybe in your hurt it was easier to latch on to something that’s not true.” he stroked across his back. 

“Oh come on, Han. Don’t make me the villain here. You feel the exact same way.” Leia crossed her arms. 

“I’m not, but I thought that maybe yelling at him is not the best idea right now!” Han snapped back, clearly unhappy with Leia. 

“I can speak for myself.” Ben shrugged off Han’s hand. 

“You’re right, I have been a fool. She- she has too much power over me, it’s true..” his eyes remained cast down. “I won’t be a bother anymore, you can go now.” 

The room fell silent. Ben shifted so he was laying down, facing the wall, away from both of them, like he’d built a glass wall between them. 

“Ben- Ben, no. We’re talking this through.” Leia continued. 

“You pretty much said it all already.” Ben’s answer was a murmur, and it was clear from how gravely his voice was that he was crying to himself. 

The air had become uncomfortable, if it wasn’t that already. Han glanced at Leia, but she refused to meet his eyes. A line had been crossed, it was clear without being addressed out loud. 

“Tell us about her. About the calls. The last one, what did she say?” Han put a hand over Ben’s bicep, in seek of connection. The physical one that told him he was there, even when Ben was emotionally shutting himself off. 

“She-”

Han waited patiently while Ben gathered his thoughts. He was trembling. What could he say without sounding like an absolute idiot? Not much. He was aching to tell them everything, but he hated that look of pity it would undoubtedly cause. 

“I asked her to convince me and.. And I thought she’d make up bullshit but they were all real things.. I- she wasn’t getting those things from me, she just knew. And- and she sang to me- and- I didn’t want to, but I really- really believe her…” Ben’s voice broke and he stuffed his face to a pillow to hide the wailing sound that left him, like a child crying. 

“I already told you, I believe you, Ben.” Han said. 

“Han-” Leia attempted, but Han shot her a glare that made her shut up. 

“To be more specific, I don’t think the woman is Rey. But I do believe that you believed her. Ben, I know you’re not stupid, but someone is playing all your weaknesses. If I was you, I’d want to believe it too.” 

Ben shivered. He turned, eyes watery, looking up at his father’s tired face. 

“I know Rey’s dead.. But I- it was so real- I think I’m losing my mind..” 

“And I’m here to get you through it.” Han spoke low, petting Ben’s head. His palm was large and reassuring. “Your mother as well.” Han looked over to Leia, who stood there with her arms crossed over her chest. 

“Ben.. I didn’t say all those things to be mean.” she whispered. Ben knew it. She knew how his mother was, and he knew she must be all too tired for this. 

“I’m going to rehab.” Ben stared at the ceiling. He hadn’t thought about it much, but after last night, Ben didn’t trust himself anymore. “I’ll ask Hux for an advance.. maybe take a loan, you don’t have to worry about the money.” 

The edge of the bed tipped a little when Leia sat back down. 

“I’m not coming back until I have my head all sorted out. I can’t.. I can’t keep living like this. I can’t keep putting you through this, again and again.” Ben’s voice was calm. For once in his life he was sure that he was making the right call. 

Han and Leia said nothing. Just looked at each other, like they both knew it was the right decision to make. 

“We're here every step of the way.” Han spoke first, pressing a kiss on Ben’s forehead. He laid back down, squeezing Ben’s hand in his. Ben let out a breath he hadn’t realised he was holding. This was good. It was a start. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! So yea I was bullshitting, but to be fair I didn't think anyone would believe me xD I was laughing like a proper villain when the comments started to drop in. I'm sorry about that ♥ I really enjoyed this chapter because it felt a lot more wholesome than what we've had so far, like a new beginning :) I knew Ben had to have a breakdown at some point because of everything, but I thought Leia needed to let out some steam as well. 
> 
> Thank you for reading ♥


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: alcoholism, talk of suicide, misuse of disinfectant, malnourishment, pregnancy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys.

At ten in the morning, Ben was on the phone with Hux. 

Realistically, asking for an advance on his paycheck was a silly thing to do, and he knew Hux wouldn’t give it to him, even though they were, all things considered, friends. However he used the phone call as an excuse to also announce that he wouldn’t be coming to work for a while. 

With the fuzziness of last night cleared from his head, Ben still didn’t know what had gotten into him. The call had cut off, and it had felt like a bridge collapsing under him and tossing him to a river. 

He was certain it had been Rey on the phone. The fact that it made no sense held little meaning to him. He’d spoken with Rey, that was the one thing he was sure of, the how of it being less clear. Rey was dead, that’s what everyone kept telling him and that’s what his common sense told him. One of them had to be a lie, and he couldn’t tell if he should listen to logic or his gut. 

“Sorry, Ben, as much as I like you, I can’t give you the money. You know what it would look like.” Hux said on the phone, not surprising Ben one git. 

Ben sat around the kitchen counter, phone against his ear. They’d cleaned the glass shards from the floor, though the bookshelf remained fallen over. Ben had a hazy memory of nearly getting crushed under it, the crash making him flee the room like a squirrel. 

“I understand, it’s alright..” Ben rubbed his brow. He’d known what Hux would say, but it was still annoying. Money would be an issue, rehabilitation wasn’t exactly free. “I’m still gonna need that vacation you promised.” 

He could hear Hux scoff. “It wasn’t a vacation I promised you. Unpaid leave, Solo. To get your life back together.” 

“Call it whatever you want”, Ben dared to let his lips tug a little. It was easy to talk to Hux. So much easier than to anyone else, perhaps because Hux had no expectations of him. It was easy to be more like himself around someone like that. “I.. Had an incident last night.”

“Yea I sort of figured something had to have happened when you weren’t at your desk at 9am sharp.”

“Have you ever.. Spoken with the dead?” Ben lowered his voice so his mother wouldn’t hear him to the other room. 

“What?” Hux exclaimed, and Ben could almost see his red eyebrows scrunching in distaste. “What on earth were you taking? Are booze’ not interesting enough anymore?” 

“I didn’t take anything- the woman on the phone. It was Rey. I know it was.”

The line got awfully quiet for a breath. 

“Ben..” and there it was. The pitying tone that Ben dreaded hearing. “You realise what you sound like?”

“I know it’s crazy, and I’m probably crazy too. My parents don’t believe me, not really, but it was so real, Hux, I swear I couldn’t make that up if I tried.” Ben had to cover his mouth, really not wanting to raise his parents attention. 

The doorbell rang. 

“I’ll get it”, Leia said, walking across the room.

Ben kept his ear on the phone, moving out of the kitchen to the bathroom. Someone had probably made a noise complaint and the landlord was there to give a warning. 

Ben shut the bathroom door, leaving it unlocked, while he closed the toilet lit and sat on the edge. 

“Ben, I don’t know much about grief and all that, but you sound like a movie.”

“It’s great that you can compare my life to entertainment.” 

“Not like an entertaining movie, a really fucking depressing movie, Ben, that ends with you hanging yourself from a radiator.”

Ben snorted. Hux had no filter and honestly, Ben liked talking to someone who didn’t treat him with silk gloves. 

“It won’t.”

“Promise?” 

Ben was a bit caught off guard by the genuine concern floating in Hux’s tone. Ben knew he cared, hiding behind a cold and calculating outer shell, but still, he really didn’t know how to deal with Hux when he was not being an asshole. 

“Yea, I’m gonna check into rehab as soon as I can, come visit if you want.” 

”I don’t know about that, but I’ll send you flowers.” Hux said, and Ben and he knew he’d come the first chance he got. “Take care of yourself.” 

“I will, bye.” Ben ended the call. He still needed to figure out where he would get the money needed. A loan was his second option, but it would be difficult to come by, and even harder to pay off. He truly didn’t want to ask Han and Leia, even though he knew they’d probably pay, his pride was all too hurt already. 

Ben weighted the phone in his hand as he left the bathroom, deep in thought, surprised to see Leia still at the door, and Han standing right behind her. She was talking loudly, face twisted with how upset she was. Before Ben could focus on what was happening Han was striding across the room to him and practically pushing to the bedroom. 

“What’s happening?” Ben peered over his shoulder, but Han shut the door. 

“Just some police officers, it’s nothing.”

“Doesn’t seem like nothing.” Ben frowned. The police didn’t just drop by for no reason. Something was going on - it could be that the lady from next door had dialed them. “What do they want?”

“Nothing, they-” Han glanced over his shoulder at the closed door. His voice was hushed. “They had some news.” 

“And?” 

“Benny.. Why don’t you just sit down.” Han guided him to the bed, patting his shoulders. 

“I’m not a child, what is going on?” Ben shrugged his hands off, concern only growing in his eyes. Han didn’t usually withhold information like this. 

Han took a deep breath. “Fine. They found something.. It wasn’t really clear, but from what I understood they found Rey’s remains yesterday.” 

Ben’s blood chilled in his veins. 

“Remains?” 

“We don’t have to worry about that now-” Han tried to stop him from storming out the room and to the front door. His feet moved on their own until he was standing wide eyed in front of the two police officers. They held their hats in their hands all proper, looking very serious. 

“I want to see her.” 

“Mr Solo, I see you’ve been briefed on the situation. Rey Solo was indeed found yesterday, DNA confirms it. We know this is a highly shocking matter, I doubt anyone expected that she could be found in any form after such a long time, but-” 

“I. Want. To. See. Her.” Ben repeated, cutting off whatever the officer was trying to say, pressuring each word. “I don’t care if it’s a sceleton or a- a fucking fingernail, I need to see whatever they found-” Ben’s voice cracked and he had to turn his back to the them. 

Leia took his arm but Ben flinched, tearing away from her reach. 

Ben felt too on edge to be touched, his mind was racing, struggling to keep up with what was happening. Leia’s hand on his arm was like electricity in his veins. He felt bad for the way Leia drew back, like he’d slammed a door on her, but he couldn’t have it. 

“Benny, I don’t think it’s wise right now- you’re still so.. Upset from yesterday.. “

“I’m sorry, is there a confusion here?” one of the officers stepped closer, their expression puzzled. “We’re not talking about remains here, Rey Solo is alive. She’s in the Chandrila central hospital.” 

The room fell quiet, three faces turning to stare at the officers. Ben’s mouth was dry. He was breathing, but it felt like no oxygen was absorbing. His knees threatened to give out quickly, but he managed to stay upright just staring open mouthed between everyone in the room. All he could hear was the blood rushing inside his veins, his heartbeat loud and clear between his ears. 

“They aren’t currently accepting visitors, but we were requested to bring you to the hospital for questions and briefing.” 

“Rey’s-” Ben managed, his eyes fixating on Han and Leia. “Am I awake? Is this real?” it didn’t feel like real life. 

Leia looked between Han and Ben. Clearly neither of them had been any more prepared for that, their voices equally lost in the chaos. 

“How is this possible?” Han uttered the question, his voice shaky as he grabbed for Leia’s hand to hold. Ben clutched himself, trying not to hyperventilate, feeling like he might explode if someone laid a finger on him. 

“She was found yesterday before midnight, passed out along the road. Her overall health is highly poor. That’s all we can say for now.” 

Ben’s eyes darted between his parents, unsure if he wanted to be relieved or angry.

“It was real- it was all real!” 

The moment that idea sunk through, Ben was gripping the sides of his head. His emotions finally settled on upset, and he hoped to put his fist through something, anything. Instead, he sat on the floor with his knees up, head bent between them because he was sure if he tried to stand then he’d pass out. 

“It was real! The calls were- and- How the hell was I so stupid!” his rage got directed to beating himself up for not believing her sooner. He knew he should have followed his gut, he knew but time and reason had gotten in the way. He felt like an idiot. 

“What calls?” the other officer asked. 

Ben was busy cursing at himself, so Han explained the whole events of the past week. From the calls to Ben’s breakdown last night. 

“Sounds like there’s a lot here to unravel, Mr Solo. Whenever you’re ready, we can go.”

Ben’s attention sharpened. “Now. Now, I want to go now.” he started climbing off the floor, knees so weak he could hardly stand. 

Han took his arm, though Ben wouldn’t have wanted that, and helped him stand. He looked shaken, gaze half empty and desperate. Ben felt that, remembering that again he was not the only one affected. 

Ben got one sleeve of his jacket on, when he realised he was in flannel pants and a t-shirt. It probably didn’t matter, and he probably wouldn’t be allowed to see Rey just yet anyway, but he dropped the jacket and rushed to his room only to return minutes later with jeans and a sweater. His hair remained unbrushed but somehow that was where he drew the line of irrelevance. His hair didn’t matter but wearing proper clothes did. 

“Let’s go.” 

  
  
  


***

  
  
  


As he suspected, he wasn’t allowed to meet Rey right away. He was asked a lot of questions about his current situation, with the intention of briefing Rey about him before they met again. 

Ben hated that he hesitated. He wasn’t the same man Rey had known ten years ago. For the first time in a long while, he felt shame of who he’d become. He feared that she wouldn’t want to see her after reading all that. Ben knew very well how she felt about alcoholics and deadbeats. However, he didn’t want to lie either, so he told the truth. If Rey didn’t want to meet him after that, then that was strictly on him, and not on her. 

“With your permission we’ll also be taking a DNA sample.” the nurse asking the questions said at the end of it all. 

“Why?” 

“For investigation purposes.” 

Ben figured it made sense. He’d watched enough crime shows to know the next of kin were the number one suspects, though he didn’t know why he would be a suspect after all this time. Surely Rey could confirm that he was innocent all this - however he had no reason to resist, so he let the nurse take a cheek swab. 

Ben hated hospitals. 

He couldn’t remember having a single positive experience in one. They made him uneasy, the no fragrance smell, long hallways and pale walls. It was all disturbing to him. 

He couldn’t tell what section Rey was in, it looked rather special because it didn’t really look like a hospital at all. Ben trusted that even less. There were muted colors and it was airy. The nurses wore genuine smiles, and he could see children bouncing around. It was strange, and he didn’t like it. 

He sat there for two whole days, out of his own free will. They said they would inform him once the doctors cleared the visiting rights so he could have gone home, but he waited there, patiently like a dog waiting for their owner to come home. 

The other reason for sitting there was his parents. Ben hadn’t spoken to Han and Leia since, and he really didn’t even want to. He knew he had no right to feel betrayed, but he did nonetheless. He knew he couldn’t blame anyone, not really, but his mind was urging him to find someone to point fingers at.

The fact was that he was scared. He didn’t know what to expect, if the visiting right would even come. He hadn’t been told anything about Rey’s current condition, just what the police had said two days ago. Poor overall health, whatever that truly meant. Ben wanted to crawl out of his skin. These had been the most stressful days of his life, only second to the time when Rey disappeared for the first time. That was infinitely worse. However it didn’t make the current any more tolerable. 

He would have sold his left testicle to have a drink right then. He thought about a burning swig of alcohol that would wash his nerves away as it went down. That first nice buzzing feeling when all his worries started to fade and feel like nothing. 

Across from him, on the waiting room table was a bottle of hand sanitizer. 

Ben tried not to look at it, but it kept staring at him, making his foot tap on the floor. He could feel how ridiculous he was, but in that moment the alcohol based liquid was starting to look really friendly. 

Ben truly hated himself for getting up, and pumping a bunch on his hands, and inhaling. The eye burning scent of alcohol eased some of the craving, for about a second, only for it to come back stronger. 

He looked at the puddle he’d created in the bottom of his palm. Clear and practically calling his name. 

His mouth was dry, lips even dryer, but his tongue did nothing, even as it darted out to wet them. He couldn’t have been the only person in the world to drink hand sanitizer? Was it dangerous? It was mostly alcohol, right? 

He could take one sip from his palm and no one would notice. It would be easy. 

Or he could take it to the bathroom with him. He took the pump bottle in his hand, measuring the weight while glancing over his shoulder. It was nearly full. Chandrila central hospital was a huge place, they wouldn’t keep track of one bottle. 

So easy. So damn easy. There was no one else in the waiting room, it would be the easiest thing he ever did, he could- 

He practically tossed the bottle away, and scrambled backward. He needed to get out. He needed air, the room was running out of air, or that’s how it felt at least. 

Ben ran down the hall until he reached outside, the gush of cold air filling his lungs as he bent over himself. He needed help, he really did. 

He didn’t want to return inside anymore, so he sat on the pavement until he was freezing. 

“Mr Solo?” he heard a gentle voice to his right. 

Ben looked up, and saw a young nurse with short hair looking at him, with her hands held together in front of her. 

“Yes?” Ben hated how hopeful he sounded. 

“We have security cameras, you know.” 

Right. He was being asked to leave. 

“Oh.. Yea- I’m sorry about that- I wasn’t thinking..” he was ashamed. He knew what he almost did was terrible. 

“Have you sought help?” the nurses head tilted to the side. She didn’t sound judgmental, which was a pleasant surprise. 

“I- I think I’m going to rehab soon.. I was supposed to go already but then this all happened and.. Yea, I’m just waiting to see Rey.” 

The nurse said nothing, just nodded, her head turning around slowly as she swayed from toe to heel. 

“Well, we could start with that. The doctor has cleared your visit and the patient has requested to see you.” 

Ben was on his feet in seconds. His heart started racing as the nurse led him to the right door. His stomach was in knots, mind completely blank. He didn’t know what to think, so he just did his best not to panic. 

Ben entered the room. It looked much less like a hospital room than an actual bedroom. The only difference was all the medical equipment and drapes that could be drawn around the bed.

There was a flower pot on a side table, a TV on the wall, and some abstract paintings, light curtains in the windows and the walls a pale shade of blue.

There were two nurses there, and seemingly one doctor from what Ben could tell. 

They and the drapes covered her from sight, so Ben could only see her feet sticking up the bed covers.

"Miss Rey, there's a visitor for you." the nurse who brought in Ben said softly and walked further. Ben stood just inside the room, his feet stuck to the ground.

"Is it Ben?" was the immediate question. Her voice made Ben's attention spark. His eyes watered already. The voice was the same as on the phone, a little groggy and tired but it was her- his Rey. Ben had never considered distance, she was just a couple of feet away and it felt like a mile.

He wiped his eyes again, before daring forward. Little by little she came into sight.

She was terribly small. Much smaller than he remembered, and pale like the dead. Her cheeks were hollow, and eyes set in their holes. Her hair was dull and weak, and she had hints of grey in it. 

But it was her. It was definitely her. Her lips were chapped, but they were the exact shape Ben remembered, and her eyes were the same warm hazel, even if they didn't sparkle in the moment, as they did in his memory. She looked terrible, but there wasn’t a way that Ben wouldn’t have recognised her. 

They locked eyes, and there was a pause. Ben didn't know what to say, so he just cried. He stood there, still as a tree and cried his damn eyes out, as if he hadn't done that already. He buried his eyes in the heels of his palms and weeped. 

After several minutes he could bear to look at her again. She had tears streaming down her face, but she was smiling. Actually smiling, and she was looking at him.

"Hi", she finally said, breaking the silence and Ben felt like crying all over again. His eyes watered, but he swallowed down the rest.

"Hi." he answered stiffly, his voice caught in his throat. What was he supposed to say? What could he say? Was he supposed to say something in particular? There were a million and one things he wanted to tell her but none of them seemed like the right one to start with. 

Ben shifted around in his footsteps, before he dared closer, to actually stand at her bedside and not just in the distance. He felt like he was approaching something he had no right to be around. 

Her hands were on top of the tray table that sat over her middle, and Ben wanted nothing more than to take her bony fingers into his and hold tight, but he wouldn't dare. She'd been through hell. Ben knew he wasn't allowed to touch. The thought still lingered in his mind when he took a seat in a chair one of the nurses had brought.

The silence returned, and they sat quietly for another few minutes, just taking in the situation they were in. Rey didn't stop looking at him. He followed the line of her sight, how it traveled across his features. Ben imagined he had to look terrible. Old and terrible. Not like it really mattered, but the way she was looking at him arose self-consciousness within. 

Ben looked around, not being able to take the eye contact any more. He saw the hospital phone on the table, and was overwhelmed by a wave of guilt. How could he have been so stupid? She had given him solid information, things he knew to be true and he’d dared to doubt her. Ben finally knew what he wanted to say.

"I'm sorry." his body didn't want to look her in the eye, but he forced himself to anyway. "I'm sorry I didn't believe you- that I yelled at you on the phone- I'm so sorry."

She smiled, and then she chuckled, and wiped her eyes. Ben’s brows drew to a confused frown. He couldn’t understand her reaction. 

"You haven't changed a bit, have you.."

Ben didn't find anything funny in the situation they were in. He was trembling, while she was still humming like she was amused. It didn't make any sense.

"Of course you didn't believe me. I was gone for so long- I wouldn’t have believed me..” she picked her nails, at the dirt under them that even Ben could see from where he was sitting. There was something sad about the way she said it. It wasn’t exactly disappointment, but something along those lines. Ben felt like his expression had fallen. She wasn't an idiot either, how could he forget that.

"It doesn't make me less sorry."

"I know." her face turned to him almost rapidly. She looked over his face once more, like she was considering something, before she shifted, pushing the tray aside to drop her feet over the edge of the bed, to sit up. 

That's when he saw it.

Her rounded belly that had been hidden behind the tray and the covers.

It looked unnatural. She was so small, and drained, but her stomach was a perfect round swell on top of what to his eyes, looked like bare bones.

She didn't say a word. Just waited, as Ben's breathing turned more rapid with every exhale, until he was rushing out of the chair and to the other side of the room where there was a sink.

He threw up. 

He hadn't eaten a lot, so there wasn't all that much to vomit, but that's how his body had decided to react. He held to the sink with both hands to keep himself from falling over. He hung his head and waited for his breathing to settle back down.

"Mr Solo do you need to leave the room?" the doctor present asked, but Ben shook his head.

"No. No, I'm fine, I just-" he gagged again, but his stomach had nothing more to bring up. He spat foam into the sink and wiped his mouth to a paper towel. "I need a minute-"

Ben's brain had no clear thought. For a second he thought he must have imagined it, but then he glanced over his shoulder and the truth remained.

She was pregnant. She was very pregnant.

Somehow it solidified it all. What had happened to her, for the past ten years. It was no longer a possibility that existed only in his mind, but a crushing, gut wrenching reality.

He squatted, hands still clinging to the edge of the sink for support. He pressed his forehead to the cool porcelain.

"Are there more?" That was the only question he could vocalize, even though he had to have countless more. It was the only thing he wanted to know for the time being.

"One." Rey was the one who answered, her voice lacked hesitation, strongly stating a fact. 

"Fuck-" Ben's voice cracked as he silently cursed to himself. He was squeezing his eyes shut, focusing on his breathing. This was hell. It was absolute hell to even think about what she'd had to go through. For a second he hoped he would snap awake in cold sweat, that it was all a nightmare, but the more he waited the more real it got. 

Ben forced himself to stand back up and return slowly to the chair. Rey was holding her stomach with two hands, protectively. She had a pained expression on her face, and Ben wished he could be stronger in front of her. He wasn't disgusted by her, but what had been done to her. He hoped he could somehow tell her that but he feared it would sound like excuses. 

"Can we have a moment alone, please?" Rey looked to the hospital staff, who nodded and left them. 

She turned back to him, her eyes dropping to his hands he was clenching on his knees. 

Ben was zoning out, so he didn't immediately realise what she was doing, until he snapped back to reality and her bony hand was offered towards him.

Ben's eyes jumped to hers. She looked like she was on the verge of breaking down, much more so than when the hospital staff was present. The realisation that she’d probably been putting on a brave face sunk in. He kept his eyes on her, seeking for permission, before their hands gently pressed together. A shiver passed between the both of them, and Ben found that Rey was clutching his hand now. It weighed nothing. Her skin was thin and cold like a spider web, and he could feel each joint, but oddly enough it was familiar. It was Rey’s hand and some small part of his brain remembered what it felt like to hold it. 

It started with a sniffle, and then she was crying like a child in pain, pulling Ben’s hand to herself like it was the only solid thing on earth. Ben’s lips quivered, and he turned his face towards the ceiling to pointlessly fight against crying. He looked at a clock ticking on the wall, and he caught the moment the pointer flicked to 2:00pm. 

Time was at a stop. 

He closed his eyes, and he hoped it would never start moving again. 

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It happened! It freaking happened!!! Still a bunch of stuff left, but it freaking happened!! 
> 
> Thank you for reading! ♥♥


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: mention of alcoholism, pregnancy, talk of abortion, mention of suicidal thoughts

Rey suspected she couldn’t have stopped crying if the hospital staff hadn’t returned when they did. It felt strange seeing Ben again - he looked different. She could see the ten years on his face, but also everything surrounding him was different. She figured it could have been the situation, she didn’t blame him for it, but there was something strange about him. 

Rey soon realised it was the distance. He’d avoided touching her in any way, and only taken her hand when she offered it to him. She didn’t know if he’d been told by the staff not to touch her or if that was a choice of his own. It wasn’t that she wanted to climb on his lap or anything, but she would have dearly loved being held for just a moment. A simple hug would have been alright. Even the medical staff did their best to avoid contact at all times. She understood where the need came from, and there probably were rape victims out there who hated being touched, but she wasn’t one of them. She wasn’t afraid of physical touch, to her it had always been a comforting thing. That’s why she hugged Dean when she could, and held him in her arms as much as possible. To remind herself and teach him that touch wasn’t a bad thing. 

The loss of contact between their hands felt like abandonment. Like she was alone in the whole world. She was free falling from the sky, with nothing to grab on to. 

She watched how Ben took his hand back to himself and crossed his arms, like he was holding himself instead. His eyes glanced at the staff, guilty, and Rey realised it probably wasn’t him who’d set the no touching rule. 

“Could we have a moment longer?” Rey pleaded, looking to the concerned staff. 

They seemed hesitant to oblige, but agreed in the end. 

Rey turned his eyes to Ben, whose shoulders had relaxed a little when they were no longer being observed like zoo animals. He looked at her and a sad smile twisted at the corners of his mouth. He didn’t say anything, just watched. 

“What are you thinking?” Rey shifted, feeling weary of sitting, so she rested back to the pillows. 

“I feel like.. If I look away you’ll disappear. Just- float away..” he said then, his voice quiet and fragile. He cleared his throat, but it didn’t help much. 

“Well, I’m here.” 

She got a nod as an answer. It felt awkward, but not necessarily uncomfortable. She’d rather have the awkwardness than nothing at all. 

“Rey I- It probably doesn’t sound real, but I am sorry for- For taking so long to believe you..” he apologised for the second time already. Rey suspected he’d keep apologizing for the rest of his life if she let him. In a twisted way she did enjoy hearing it. Now that she was out, it was starting to dawn on her how much him hanging up on her several times had hurt. 

In the basement, just hearing his voice was a comfort, because she didn’t know if she’d get out, but now- with the clarity of distance, it felt like she’d had a door slammed on her face repeatedly. 

“You know Ben, that was probably the shittiest thing you’ve done to me.” she said, cold and calculating. She knew his apologies were genuine, she could see the pain etched in his eyes when he said it. 

“I know-” he shrunk before her, his wide shoulders caving on him. “I’m not asking that you forgive me- just know that I’m sorry.” 

Rey sighed. She didn’t want to be mad at him. She doubted she would have believed either if she got a call like that after ten years. It felt counteractive to be mad at him. She didn’t want that. She knew what she wanted, and though her back was sore, she pushed herself to sit up, keeping her eyes on the wall.

“Could you-”

“Can I hug you?” 

They spoke up at the same time, and Rey’s eyes widened from realising that he’d been the one who’d actually finished the question. 

She turned to look at him, and he was shifting in his seat, avoiding her eyes like he was a nervous young boy again. He looked like he had as a twenty year-old, asking her out for the first time. Ashamed and preparing to get rejected. 

“You can say no.. They nurse said I shouldn’t- but I just- I really, really want-”

“Yes.” Rey said before he could finish “Please, Ben.” she patted the empty space on her side. 

Rey could see the way his throat bobbed in a swallow, before he slowly pushed up and sat to where she’d encouraged, the mattress bending under his weight. Their knees touched first, with the way their bodies were canted in each other’s direction.

Rey could tell that he was nervous, like he didn’t know what to do, even when she’d given him permission. His fingers brushed her arm, and she followed his line of sight. 

“I can’t believe you’re real.. “ he murmured, as if he wasn’t even aware of speaking out loud, and wrapped his arms around her shoulders. 

Rey crossed her arms behind Ben’s middle and simply melted. He was almost unbearably warm, but it was a welcomed sensation, and it made it easy for her to curl to his chest and let the heat chase away the trembling of her whole body. Her nails dug to his shirt, and her nose pressed to the crook of his shoulder. She’d long forgotten his scent but the moment she got that first inhale, she was flooded with quiet memories of times they’d held each other like that. It soothed the ache and brought her serenity. 

They stayed like that for a long while, both silent, afraid to shatter the moment again. 

Rey could feel his breathing, how it gradually calmed. It started as sharp, shallow gasps and slowly relaxed into normal, slow breathing. Rey could have fallen asleep there if she wanted to, her head against his shoulder and large hands against her back, stroking up and down in gentle motions. 

They were once again pulled apart by a nurse walking in, only one that time. He had antibiotics for Rey, as she needed to take them regularly. The nurse didn’t usher Ben away, or even off the edge of the bed, which was nice, but Rey couldn’t help but see how uncomfortable Ben got the moment he and the nurse met eyes. 

He sat there quietly, hands on his lap, fiddling with his fingers. He had a ring on his left hand, and he spun it nervously, waiting to be left alone again. 

Rey could almost feel her heart clench. Ten years, she reminded herself again. He was married. 

She felt the tears prickle her eyes but she fought against them. Wasn’t this what she wanted down in the basement? That he wasn’t miserable, but had found reasons to be happy? It was conflicting, how much seeing the silver band hurt. 

He noticed, and turned his face to her, as if he was going to ask something, but Rey spoke first. 

“Congratulations”, she uttered through watery eyes, nodding to his hand. She didn’t want to sound bitter, but that’s how it came out. Rey knew she had no right to feel that way, but it didn’t stop her. 

Ben’s mouth shut. He looked at his hand, then back at Rey and then at his hand again. It was unbearable to watch, before his eyes widened with realisation. 

“I’m not married.” he yelped, looking a little panicked, like he had just noticed something was on fire. “This is our ring- I-” the words died out on his lips and he looked down, like he was ashamed. “I never took it off…” 

He did then, and offered the worn silver band to her. She looked at it doubtfully, but on the inside it had their initials, and their wedding day, engraved in the metal. Her face tilted up to look at him, and the way he pinched his lip between his teeth and kept his eyes on his feet just shattered her heart. 

“Do you still want this?” Rey asked, not in question about the ring, but of them. “I know it’s too soon of me to ask- but..“ she had to know. She had to at least put the idea out there. 

Ben made a sound, something she couldn’t interpret. Something between a sigh and a groan. 

“I should be asking you that”, he looked at her then, a soft, apologetic smile on his lips. “I’m not.. I’m not the same anymore.”

“You’re an alcoholic.” 

The way he flinched when she said it was a good indication that he wasn’t happy about it. 

“I read the file, Ben. I know of your drinking problem, the suicidal tendencies, all of it. I know. But that’s not what I’m asking.” she’d hardly minded what the file said when they handed it to her. She just wanted to see him again. 

“You’re saying you don’t care?”

“I’m not the same either.” that’s all she said. It was true. She’d carry the memory of the basement with her the rest of her life. She didn’t know yet how it would affect her life, but she was certain she’d find out. 

Rey hated admitting it to herself, but she was terrified. The world had changed so much while she was gone, she was sure she didn’t know left from right when she woke up in the hospital. All was new and overwhelming - it would have been some comfort to have Ben be there for her. To have some resemblance of her old life, something she knew, and remembered. Someone familiar. 

“If you can still see yourself.. being a part of my life, whatever part that ends up being, then I want that.” 

She watched Ben scoff, his eyes going to the walls before leaning his forehead against his open palm. 

“Why do you have to be so fucking selfless..” he grumbled under his breath. 

“Actually, this is me being selfish, Ben. I’m not asking for your sake, but my own. For my children’s sake.” her hand went to her stomach without even thinking about it. 

Ben’s eyes fixated where her fingers spread over the baby bump that looked larger due to her malnourished state. He stared, and after a moment his eyes jumped up to hers. 

“You’re keeping it?” 

It felt like a valid question, but Rey was struck by the vile tone of his voice. 

“Doctors estimate I’m somewhere around 31 weeks. It’s too risky to try and.. get rid of it now.” It had been one of her first questions. Figure out how far along she was, and if it was still safe to get rid of it. No one would perform the operation anymore. 

“Yes, but you’re  _ keeping _ it?” Ben’s spine straightened up. “That’s- how can you live with that?” 

Rey’s eyes flamed. “Did you think I’d accidentally forget?” 

That got Ben’s mouth to snap shut. Clearly he hadn’t thought of what he said. His posture slumped back down, chastised. 

“The baby.. it’s a part of it. I can’t just hand it away and pretend none of it happened.” Rey knew she couldn’t bark now, even though his words had stung. She tried to put them out there in a way that would make Ben understand, but she feared nothing would. 

“But can you see yourself loving it?” 

“I love my son. And he’s been with me there for years. This isn’t any different.” she answered truthfully. She watched how emotions chased themselves on Ben’s face, before he just seemed to simply give up. 

“Okay.” 

“Okay what?” 

“Just.. okay. It- Well it is how it is. You’re not to blame, the baby sure as hell isn’t… They’re your kids- That should count for something.” Ben scratched the back of his neck. He was visibly uncomfortable, but Rey suspected that this was the closest she’d get to acceptance this time around. 

“What about.. what about the other one?” Ben’s eyes moved from her across the room, to the empty bed that was there. Dean slept there, but they’d taken him to another room for the time being. 

“Dean. His name is Dean.” Rey panned her eyes to her nails, fidgeting with them. 

Ben took in a long breath, not saying anything. Somehow the silence was worse than anything he could have said. It gave too much room to her imagination. 

“He’s brilliant, you know.” Rey offered. It felt strange talking about Dean, but she needed to get it out of her system. She tilted her head up towards the ceiling and sniffled. “He doesn’t talk much- but I can tell he’s bright. And so brave..” 

Rey felt her throat close up. This had to be one of the hardest conversations she’d had. She tried glancing at Ben, but he was like her, shutting himself off from the situation. It was a lot for both of them. 

“How.. How old is he? I know you don’t know- but approximately.”

She was glad to hear some interest on Ben’s part, even if it felt like it was more for politeness sake. 

“Nine..” she said and watched. Ben’s face twisted only for a few seconds, before smoothing out. She could see the gears turning, the mental math being made, and then his ultimate decision to not ask. 

“Okay”, he said simply again, his foot tapping on the floor. There was a silence that couldn’t have been more than a few seconds, but it felt like minutes to her. Then he looked over, mouth opening like he was about to say something, but deciding against it at the last second. 

“What?” Rey raised a brow. 

“Nothing- I.. it’s stupid..” he brushed it off, rubbing his brow. His face twisted in agony, and Rey could nearly see the words on the tip of his tongue. “If he’s nine…” 

“He’s not Snoke’s kid.” 

Rey was certain her heart had never picked up speed so fast. She was waiting, watching how Ben’s fingers flexed, but his mouth stayed shut. What did change, was that now he was looking at her, eyes pleading for something, anything she could offer. 

“That first month.. of- of being in there.. that’s when I stopped getting my period.” she pinched her chapped lip between her teeth, and her eyes sought Ben out. Ben’s breathing had stopped in his throat. His hand clamped over his mouth, and he doubled over. 

“I asked for the DNA test.. I had to be sure. Not that I had any doubts of whose he was once he was born..” she was sure her heart was about to tear through her sternum but she had to get out the words weighing her mind. “He’s yours.” 

  
  
  


***

  
  
  


Ben wanted to run through a wall. He wanted to crawl out of his skin, he would have done anything to stop the uncomfortable feeling creeping up his spine. Rey’s words echoed in his mind on an endless replay. The moment she said the kid was nine - the thought crossed his mind and now she was telling him it was true. 

“This can’t be happening..” he murmured, panting away the tears that once again threatened to break out. “What the hell did I do to deserve this..” It was a question he’d thought about often. Ben didn’t believe in karma or anything of the sort, but the past ten years felt like he was being punished for no apparent reason, and the whip just kept lashing even though he was already in pieces. 

Not only his wife. But his child too. 

He’d never met him, he only knew his name, Dean, but there was a time when he’d wanted nothing more than to have a child of his own, and now he by some miracle had one but it was all so completely wrong - ruined, even. 

Rey didn’t say anything, just gave him the barest touch on the arm. It was enough to ground him. This wasn’t just about him. It was about her, and her - their - son. 

“Does he know?” Ben choked out the question. 

“I’ve told him stories.. Technically he knows you’re his father, but he has no concept of what that is, so.. I don’t know how much he understands in reality.” Rey let out a deep sigh, her head slumping. 

Ben tried to keep himself together. He’d never tried so hard to keep himself composed. He had to, for their sake. He almost didn’t want to believe it - he had a kid. A child that was biologically his, and with Rey of all people. It was what he’d wanted but now it felt almost like a curse. He could never have a normal relationship with him, the cards had been set up that way. He’d been given everything he’d wanted, only to look at them from behind a glass, unreachable, untouchable. There wasn’t an ounce of fairness in the situation to be found. 

“Do you want to meet him?” 

“Do you think that’s a good idea?” Ben felt a gush of insecurity hit. 

“I would like you to, sooner or later.” Rey didn’t push it, but the idea was in his mind, and he couldn’t shut it out. 

“Okay.” he didn’t want to overthink it. Maybe it would be easier, when the news were still fresh and he hadn’t had the time to panic yet. “Let’s go see him.” 

Rey got up, and Ben was caught off guard by the way she offered him her hand to hold on to, like she’d known exactly what he wanted. He entertained the thought that it wasn’t just her being considerate, but that she wanted to hold his hand as much as he wanted to hold hers. 

It was a small thing, but the reassurance it gave him was immense. It was just the gentle squeeze of her bony hand in his, but he didn’t feel so much like breaking anymore.

To his second surprise, Rey only led him to the next door over. She knocked, and a bright eyed nurse came to open, only cracking the door a little at first. 

She let them come in, keeping to the back herself, while Rey walked Ben to the room. 

It was clearly meant for children, the curtains were a bright pink, the floor had a colorful carpet and there were small toys for different ages spread around. 

In the middle of it all, on a child sized bean bag chair was a little boy, who was staring at Ben with wide blown eyes and something unreadable in his expression. 

Ben felt a shiver pass through his whole body. He could feel how he was being watched, and he looked back, at the face that could have been stolen from any of his childhood photographs. He understood why Rey’d said she’d had no doubts who the father was - he was practically a smaller version of Ben, with black hair and ears you couldn’t miss if you tried, a tall nose and small brown eyes on a slightly narrow face.

“Hi love”, Rey let go of his hand, and Ben felt like he had been tossed from an airplane with no lifeline. He thought this should have been a happy moment, a reunion of sorts, even if they’d never met, but it only broke his heart. It reminded him that he’d lost so much, and he wasn’t sure if it was possible to pick up the pieces anymore. 

He watched Rey walk to the little boy and slowly get on her knees. She was saying something to the boy, but Ben couldn’t hear it over the blood rushing in his ears. However, he flinched, when the little boy got up and got closer, looking up at him, wary like a wild animal. 

Ben swallowed, getting down on one knee to be more or less face level with him. He was small for a nine year-old, but that was to be expected. 

“Hi”, Ben’s voice was weak, but he tried. His heart took single, heavy beats, waiting for the next one. “I’m Ben.” 

The boy nodded, taking in his features. Ben understood what Rey meant when she said she thought he was bright. His eyes were observant, like he could see every little detail, just sucking in information like a sponge. 

He still hadn’t said anything, he just watched, clearly curious, but hesitant. Ben watched back, marveled by what was right in front of him. He forgot that he was supposed to be nervous or appalled, or even disgusted. He wasn’t - it was more like he’d been presented with something truly amazing. A gift even, something he never would have expected. In a way, it was exactly what happened. 

The boy- Dean - he had to remind himself, went over his features many times over, before her tiny hand darted forward and tucked on a strand of Ben’s black hair that kept falling on his face, no matter what he did to it. He twisted it in his fingers for a moment, before doing the exact same motion, but to himself, watching the tips of his black hair, making the mental connection between the similarity. 

Ben waited, not daring to move, like he truly was in watching a wild animal, and any stray movement could scare him away. 

Dean looked at him once more, and reached over. Ben thought he was going to touch his hair again, but instead he brushed the hair aside and stroked the shape of his ear. Ben’s mouth twisted in a nervous laugh. He didn’t like anyone paying attention to his ears, but somehow it was alright in this case. The boy held up his free hand and touched his own ear with that. The smile that bloomed on his face would never leave Ben’s mind. It was breathtaking and for the longest time Ben realised that he wasn’t sad or hurting, but happy. 

“Hi”, the little boy’s voice was quiet, but he still hadn’t let go of Ben’s ear, and he was looking at him like he’d made a discovery. “I’m Dean.” 

“Nice to meet you, Dean.” Ben said softly, and watched how he looked over his shoulder at Rey, that same sunshine of a smile on his face. 

“Mom”, he said eagerly, and Rey scooted closer. 

“Dean, you remember what I’ve told you about Ben?” she asked carefully, letting the boy come to his own conclusion. Dean nodded, but he was no longer looking at Ben, and instead curling closer to Rey. Ben didn’t take offence. How could he? Father or not, he was still a stranger to him. 

Ben breathed in deep. This was a lot. This was truly a lot. But he wanted to think that maybe it would be okay. Rey was there with Dean, and Ben truly did think he was happy, but then he looked too long, started seeing all the things that were wrong, their malnourished shapes, Rey’s pregnant stomach and it started hurting all over again. Ben still couldn’t swallow the idea that she wanted to keep the baby, it felt insane to him, but he didn’t want to risk losing her again. He wanted this, his damaged family, if they’d have him. 

“Rey, I realise I didn’t answer earlier.. but yes.” he offered her a coy smile. He hadn’t felt quite so relieved in a long while. 

“Yes, what?” her head tilted to the side. 

Ben reached to touch her fingertips that lay flat on the floor. 

“I still want this.” 

It was a pleasure to see her expression brighten up. She smiled, and her eyes watered. Ben didn’t have to ask to know that she wasn’t crying out of sadness. He hesitated for just a split second before wiping his thumb across her cheek and drying the tear that trailed there. 

Ben felt just a hint of hope that this would be okay. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this was probably the softest chapter so far.. I mean there was some heavy emotions there, but like.. I felt like this was a nice feel-good chapter to put here (what counts as a feel-good chapter in this fic...) 
> 
> Thank you for reading and stay safe ♥


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: talk about alcoholism, talk about rape

Going to rehab after that was probably one of the hardest things Ben had had to do in a long while. He would have given anything to be able to spend time all his time with Rey and Dean, but his condition didn’t allow it. During the day he was fine, because he had other things to think about, but when he returned to his apartment for nights, alone, it was all he could think about. 

He couldn’t sleep, scared that in the morning they somehow wouldn’t be there anymore, or that Rey would decide that she didn’t want to see him anymore for one reason or another. He was stressed to even go to his apartment, because what if he caved and just went to the store. It was all together just hellish. 

“I’m going to go to rehab.” that’s what he’d said to Rey, figuring that there was no use circling around the issue. She already knew that he had a problem, it was better that he was honest about it. 

Rey’d reacted much like he’d suspected she might. Nodding, not saying objections, but looking like she didn’t want him to go. She didn’t say it out loud, probably because she knew it was for the best if he left, and he had to be able to function to be there for her as well. 

It didn’t benefit anyone to have him there in the shape that he was in currently. 

He visited the hospital just before, hugging Rey in tears. She gave him the phone number to her room in the hospital and said he could call whenever, but Ben explained that at the facility where he was going they didn’t allow cell phones. He took the number still, because he was still allowed 20 minutes per day on the main phone. 

Ben didn’t dislike rehab, not per se. They had a daily schedule that included free time, and Ben liked the routine. He was very much a routine person after all, so having to stick to a certain timetable already took away a lot of stress. 

It was still the longest 30 days of his life. 

After a week, he was sure he’d scratch his skin raw if he didn’t get a drink. Even there, the nights were worse than the days, but there would be no relief in the morning, no Rey or his parents he could go to distract himself from the burning thought that this would be so much easier if he just got mouthful of something - anything at all. 

He phoned Rey every day. He had 20 minutes of phone time, and it was the best part of his day. Every time, Dean wanted a few minutes to talk to him. He was learning something new every day, and he found it all amazing and fascinating, and he spent those minutes telling Ben everything. Ben didn’t have to do anything but listen, and he truly felt good. Dean was easier to reach than he’d imagined - or at least so far he was. Maybe it was thanks to him being such a curious child. A much more likely explanation was that Ben was on the phone. They didn’t see each other or be in the same space, which made it easier for Dean to communicate. 

Ben was still thankful. He’d come to a realisation that this was his life now. Everything had been ripped from him all those years ago, and now life was giving him something back. Dean didn’t have to talk to him, Rey didn’t have to let Ben anywhere near them. Hell, the fact that they were alive and real was all but a miracle to him. If that was all he was ever going to get, to have some window into their life; he was still the luckiest man on earth. Every day he had 20 minutes to remind himself why he was there, and what he was working towards. 

After the second week, it started to get better. Somehow easier. Ben had been down that path before, he didn’t trust the feeling of getting better anymore than he did anything else. There were nights when he could sleep, and nights he woke up in sweat, but it was all part of it. 

Ben just kept telling himself that he’d done this once already. He’d stopped for a seemingly long time, and he could do it again. This time he had something worth fighting for, something he deemed much more important than himself. 

  
  
  


***

  
  
  


Rey was caught off guard by the nurse that came to the room. She’d been looking over a picture book with Dean, going over what sounds animals made. Dean looked at the pictures with utmost care, pointing at each one and asking what it was. 

It brought Rey much comfort that Dean was getting better fast. 

Children were truly amazing in that sense. Rey could already see the difference in his whole being, even if it had been just a few weeks. He was talking more every day, and his trust towards people was building, though he still disliked men and didn’t want male doctors or nurses around him or Rey. Ben was the exception, though talking to him on the phone wasn’t really the same thing as being around him for long periods of time. Rey liked to think that a part of it was the groundwork she’d built while they were in the basement - Dean felt like he knew Ben, even though they’d only just met in real life. 

The nurse surprised Rey because she came with news: she had visitors. 

“Who?” Rey blinked up at her, confused, her heart jumping to her throat. She didn’t want to meet just anyone. It raised the question of who would even know she was there. She doubted it had been announced anywhere. 

“Han Solo and Leia Organa-Solo.” 

Of course. Rey felt a little silly for not realising right away. 

“They can come.” she said, stroking Dean’s head. 

“Should we take Dean to play, while you talk?” the nurse suggested. Rey shook her head. The child psychologist they met every other day had said that Dean should be exposed to people as much as he was comfortable with - people Rey knew and trusted, so he could see and learn from her interacting with others. The list was short, exactly one, but now it just got longer with two. 

“Dean, you’re going to meet your grandma and grandpa now.” she said softly, the nurse still waiting by the door. 

“What are those?” 

“They’re Ben’s parents. Ben’s mom and dad.” Rey explained carefully. 

“Adults have mom’s and dad’s?” 

“Yes, everyone does.” Rey couldn’t help the smile that bloomed on her face. Dean’s world was still so simple and limited. It hurt her a little to think about, that even the simplest concepts were foreign to him, but all she could do was cling to the fact that he was learning something new every day. 

Rey set the book down, and straightened up her hospital gown. She couldn’t remember the last time she gave a thought to how she looked. It wasn’t that she’d ever been all that well-kept in her appearance, but it was a pleasant surprise that something was coming back to her. 

Her foot tapped, and when she got nervous, the baby kicked in her belly as protest. 

“Stop it..” she hushed her stomach, then laughed to herself. This was stupid. She’d never been nervous to meet Han and Leia. She wanted to think that this wouldn’t be different, but deep down she knew it would. 

She wanted to be calm, for Dean’s sake as well. 

There was a knock on the door, and her head shot up the moment it opened. 

The nurse came in, followed by two people. 

Time had done more to them than it had to Ben. 

“Hey kid.”

However, she would have never mistaken Han for anyone else. 

“Han-” Rey pushed off the bed and approached, somehow knowing it would be okay. 

Han didn’t hesitate when she opened her arms to him. He closed the distance between them and held her, and Rey couldn’t have been happier. 

Of Ben’s two parents, Rey had always felt a strong connection with Han. He’d been like a father to her, and he was the one that gave her away back when they’d gotten married. To be in that moment, being hugged by him was maybe what truly solidified to her that things were going to be alright. 

“You gave us a scare..” Han pulled back and cupped her face. 

“Almost thought you weren’t coming back.” he let out a nervous laugh, and Rey couldn’t help but join it. It was the first time she’d laughed since getting out. It felt good to laugh. She could always trust Han to find something to poke fun at even in this type of situation. “I missed you, kid.” 

“I missed you too”, Rey whispered, feeling more than a bit choked by emotion. She was truly so incredibly happy to see them again. Han and Leia, who put her fingers carefully on her arm and got Rey’s attention. 

There were no words passed, but Rey hugged her too. Leia placed her palm on her cheek and smiled at her like she was both sad and happy for her. Faded memories of a story came back to Rey, one that Leia had shared a long time ago in a moment of vulnerability. It was of her teenage years and a vile man who the locals had nicknamed Jabba and whose real name she did not know. 

Rey nearly crumbled. Leia’s touch was filled with sympathy and support of someone who knew first hand what she’d experienced. She hadn’t been kidnapped, but she knew. She understood. 

Rey allowed herself that moment of weakness, to take Leia’s hand in her own and whimper out tears that felt different from the one’s she’d cried to Ben. To him, it had been the cries of relief, of exhaustion, of happiness to be reunited - this felt like she was letting herself to cry the tears she’d wanted to cry when Snoke had her, but couldn’t show that he had that much power over her. 

“You’re stronger than he’ll ever be.” Leia’s words were quiet and Rey wondered how long it had taken her to learn that, and if she ever could. 

“Mom?” 

Rey’s head whipped around, and she quickly wiped her eyes. Dean was still sitting on the bed, curling in on himself. She rushed there and sniffed away the rest of her tears. “It’s alright, love.” she stroked a hand through Dean’s hair, before straightening up and looking back to the elderly couple. 

Their eyes were locked on Dean, and Rey could see the visible confusion flooding their features. Han looked at her, brows scrunched up. The question passed wordlessly in the air. 

“This is Dean.” she said, her lip pinching between her teeth for just a moment. She let her fingers pass through his pitch black hair again, brushing it behind his ears and smiling when the tips turned red like Ben’s. “He’s your grandson.” She found herself liking this part of the reunion. She’d liked it to begin with, but there was something about getting to say that, that brought her so much joy. 

Leia’s mouth was a tight line and she turned her back to them, but Rey could see the way her shoulders shook a little, and how her hands came up to her face. 

Han on the other hand walked closer, but stopped when Dean flinched away from him, hiding his face against Rey’s side. 

“He’s not used to people…” Rey said quietly, not doing anything, and allowing Dean to work up the courage himself. He could look and get to know Han and Leia when he was ready to do so of his own choosing. 

“He looks like Ben.” Han sighed, finding himself a seat. “I mean.. I really don’t know what to say, kid. It’s gift enough to have you back. But this.. you really came through, didn’t you?” even he had to wipe the corners of his eyes. He made a quick nod towards Rey. “What about the new one?”

Rey sighed. She wanted to keep it, but at the moment she had nothing but the clothes on her. She could not provide for a long time, it made her think if there were better options for the child. 

“I don’t know anymore..” she said, smoothing a hand over her stomach. “I want to keep it- but I don’t… I don’t know how I’d do that.” 

“If it’s money you need, me and Leia will support you.” Han said, with Leia joining in without question. She’d dried her eyes and brought herself a seat next to Han. 

“I couldn’t ask you to do that.” Rey shook her head. She appreciated the offer, but it just didn’t feel right. 

“You’re not asking, we’re offering.” Leia intervened. “You’re family.” 

Rey sucked in a sharp breath. Not in a million years would she have hoped to hear her say that. She was a practical stranger after all. She hadn’t checked, but her and Ben’s marriage probably wasn’t valid anymore, and by that logic she had no connection to them. 

“Thank you. I’ll pay you back.” she said through blinking away tears that threatened to gather again. Somehow she didn’t doubt their words. The thread she was holding on by wasn’t a thread anymore, but something more solid. 

“Don’t bother yourself with thoughts like that.” Han scoffed. “You’re our girl. We have your back, just like we have our idiot son’s back.” 

Rey laughed. 

“How did he take the news?” Leia’s head tilted to the side. 

“He.. I don’t think he understands where I’m coming from. But he wants to be involved so that’s something. He calls every day. Asks how I’m doing and how Dean is.. he doesn’t talk about himself or the baby.” Rey stared at her fingers, fiddling with them on her lap. “I’m scared that.. that he won’t ever get it. What if he won’t be able to- to love the baby? If he hates it..” 

Rey was feeling a bit like shattered glass, but her sinking mind was stopped by a laugh that left Leia of all people. Rey looked up, and Leia was smiling, shaking her head. 

“I doubt you have to worry about that.. Ben is a walking mess, but he has a big heart. Bigger than most, I think. And he’s always wanted children. I think once he realises that this is an opportunity for him to have a new beginning as well, it’s going to be alright.” 

“You think?” Rey dared a hopeful expression. 

“I hope so at least.” Leia reached to brush her knee, before leaning back to her seat. 

Rey breathed deep. She wanted to believe Leia. She wanted to believe what they were saying could become reality. She wanted nothing more than to have some resemblance of the life she used to have. Rey couldn’t pretend that nothing had happened, and she didn’t even want to, but she wanted to believe that it wouldn’t control or define her life forever. 

  
  
  


***

  
  
  


Rey found that the hospital life wasn’t as suffocating as one could have imagined. She’d worked in a clinic most her life, so it was actually quite familiar. She enjoyed the routine, maybe most of all. There were set meal times, and though they’d only just started giving her solids, rice and foods that were easy to digest, she was gaining weight steadily, which made everything else easier, once she had more energy. Her biggest health concern had been her weight, it was much too low for anyone, let alone a pregnant woman, and it put both her and the baby at risk. She wasn’t in any immediate danger anymore, as long as her weight gain stayed the same, but the baby still wasn’t in the clear. 

The doctors had estimated that it was somewhere around the 30th week when she was first found, but it was small for the third trimester, and the heart sounds were weak. Rey feared the worst every time she hadn’t felt a kick in a long time. 

She and Dean had a daily hour with a psychologist, together and separately. 

The psychologist was a nice woman named Holdo, who specialized in treating victims of sexual abuse, though even she admitted that she’d never had a patient with quite as severe experience as Rey. 

She sat across from her, hair on a ponytail, holding a notepad over her crossed knees. 

“So, how are we feeling today?” she offered, alongside a smile. 

How was she indeed? It had been three weeks since Han and Leia came by the first time. They visited at least once a week, Han usually twice, which was nice. Rey liked that he was building a sort of a connection to Dean as well - Dean no longer flinched away from him, but he still wasn’t talking. He was talking to Ben on the phone however.

Those weren’t really things about her. Rey had no idea how she was feeling, if she was being honest with herself. She woke up every day and moved through the day without feeling much of anything. She was happy when Dean was thrilled about something, whenever Han and Leia came and those minutes she spent on the phone with Ben. She felt lucky and happy, but when she was alone, and especially at night, there was nothing. Being back felt like nothing. 

“I had a dream last night.” she folded her hands across her lap. It was true that she’d had a dream, but she wasn’t sure what to make of it. “Ben is coming back tonight, and I dreamt that he came back- and I was really happy, and I kissed him.”

There was a silence in the room as the psychologist waited for her to continue, but she didn’t. 

“That was the dream? The whole thing?” 

“Yes.” That was true. “It wasn’t a bad dream, but I woke up sweating because- because I realised that I don’t want that. I don’t want to kiss him- and- and what if I never will?” she fiddled with her fingers. She didn’t know what she was so upset about. She wanted to have Ben in her life, she was sure of that, but she had no idea what to make of their relationship, if she could even call it that. 

“It’s normal to feel distaste towards sexual thoughts at this point.” Holdo just said. “You have to move at your own pace. Some people get comfortable with a partner much faster, and some take time. It’s all part of the process.” she wrote down something in her notepad and raised her gaze from there again after a moment. “Have you discussed sexual needs with Ben?” 

“No.” 

“It might be uncomfortable, but that’s something you should do. It’s important to have a mutual understanding, and it’s important that you move at a pace that you are comfortable with.” 

Rey knew that. She wasn’t in any physical shape to have sex at least until after the baby is out in the word, but she couldn’t be sure if she was ready even after that. 

“What if he doesn’t get it?” Rey realised that was probably the least of her concerns at the moment, but it was the one she went with. 

“Well then I suppose you should try to find an option that suits the both of you. Having an open relationship wouldn’t be unheard of.” 

Rey thought about that for the rest of the day. It wasn’t the worst idea, not to her at least. Hell, she’d first assumed he had to be married again, when they first saw each other again. It was the only logical solution too, that would benefit the both of them - She didn’t want to have a physical relationship, that was the one thing she was sure of. She didn’t have a problem with touch, when it was just that, but she couldn’t even think about sex or even something small like kissing without feeling repulsed. 

Ben was coming back today, and he’d called he would be at the hospital at around four in the afternoon. That was the perfect time, since Dean would be in his therapy session around that time, and after that was outside play time. Dean loved going outside. The hospital had a sort of a park built in an inside garden for children, with swings and slides and lots of space to run around. 

Only a few minutes past four, there was a knock on her door. 

“Come in.” she called out, sitting on the edge of her bed. She’d switched her hospital gown to a more comfortable pyjama, which was nice since she preferred pants anyway. They provided a sense of cover she’d longed for. 

The door opened with a bit of a delay, and then Ben came in. He looked a bit sheepish at first, before he smiled and all that faded away. Rey had to admit he looked better - less like a walking corpse, but like he’d actually gotten some sleep and fresh air in his lungs. 

“Hi”, he walked further in. “You look good.” he said before she could say the exact same thing. The thought crossed her mind that it had been a month for her as well, and she’d gained a full five pounds of weight. It wasn’t that much, but she couldn’t gain too much weight at once or that too could be dangerous for her health. 

“Thank you, so do you. Sobriety suits you.” she could afford to joke a little. 

“Well thank you, it feels good too.” he smiled, and from his pocket he pulled out a metal pin with the number 30 on it. “I should start a pin collection.” he grinned back at her and Rey felt her shoulders relax. Now this was a lot more like the Ben she remembered, than the sunken eyed creature that had come to see her the first week. 

“I agree.” she just said. 

There was clear expectation in the air. For a while neither of them said anything. It was awkward, but in the way that neither of them knew exactly what to say next. Rey knew she’d had to talk to him about how their relationship would pan out from here, but that wasn’t an easy conversation to start. 

“I heard my parents came to visit.” Ben suddenly just said, probably to fill the silence. 

“Yea- they did. Han comes by more often, but Leia has come by once a week as well.” she nodded vigorously. “It’s nice- they offered to pay the hospital bill, they have good insurance.. and to get me back on my feet once that time is.” 

Ben listened carefully, before nodding. “That’s good- that they want to help.. I don’t have any money right now, I had to take a loan for rehab..” he scratched his neck “I’m going back to work though, so- so I’ll help out of course.” 

This reminded Rey a lot about the time he’d quit his job to be an artist. He worried about money, if he couldn’t afford to pay the bills, and felt bad that Rey was the biggest provider in their family. It wasn’t that he was sexist in the sense that he thought men should make more money, but he did feel guilty that they had to rely on her income for a while. 

“So- how have you been? Other than the usual?” Ben walked around the room, lingering his fingers on where ever he could, on the furniture, the drapes. 

Rey took a deep breath. She had to tell him, or she might just explode. 

“Ben.. There's really no easy way to say this but uh- if you.. Have someone, and you're just not telling me.. Then I want you to know that I understand. And it's okay. I was gone a long time and.. Well it would be only natural to assume you've had relationships after that.." she went on all in one go, and watched for his reaction. There was none. At first his brows twisted a little in what looked like confusion, and then just smoothed out.

"Oh.. I don't have anyone."

"Did you..?"

"Yes and no.. I went on a single date, about six months ago, and it was awful.."

"Oh.. I see.. Because- well I don't think we'll be having a.. an average relationship for a while and I understand that you have needs that I can't really-” she sucked in a really long breath. She didn’t know what she was babbling on about, circling the issue, when she definitely shouldn’t have. “I don’t want to have sex.” she nearly yelled out.

There was a silence, not really a long one, but it felt long in Rey’s mind. Then Ben just laughed, genuinely, shaking his head.

"Yea that's.. Not an issue."

"What do you mean?" The question left her just as abruptly as her last statement. 

  
  


Ben shifted around in his footsteps, fists opening and closing, until he brought a hand to his neck and looked at the walls, like he was seeing something there. "I uh- I'm.. I haven't.." he let the sentence linger off, the meaning free for her to interpret.

"You haven't had sex in ten years?" Rey asked, her voice quiet like it was something she shouldn't say out loud. Perhaps she shouldn't have, but she needed to know.

He shook his head.

"No.. But it's okay- ever since.. Um- you disappeared I haven't really been able to- I haven't- you know.. Performed.. like I used to..." his face was turning red, and he made an upward motion with his hand. Rey's eyes widened with realisation.

"Oh."

"Doctors say it's psychological.. That it's not surprising considering everything but.. Yea.. Of course the whole thing with _excessive alcohol consumption_ hasn't helped." Ben wasn't looking at her, fiddling with his fingers. “So- you don’t have to worry about that, I’m fine on my own. I haven’t even thought about us.. well, having sex.”

It wasn’t the answer she had been expecting, but she couldn’t be disappointed - it was probably really wrong of her to even think that but somehow she was a bit relieved. She knew she had no reason to be worried about Ben ever doing anything she didn’t want to, but some little part in her brain told her that he was less of a threat now than he’d been a minute ago. Nothing had technically changed, now she just knew he couldn’t get an erection.

"Can I sit next to you?" he asked, after the silence had lingered on for a while. Rey snapped out of her bubble, nodding quickly.

It was a bit hard to maneuver with her belly but finally she moved to the side, making space for him on the bed. Her side practically glued to his either way, and judging by the faint smile on his face, he didn't mind. Rey smiled back at him. It was comforting, the closeness. It was just.. Contact, and she liked it.

Just as she was getting comfortable, she hissed and clutched her stomach. "Ow.."

"What is it? Is it coming?" Ben blurted, shifting hastily, but Rey just laughed.

"No.. I'm raising a football player.. Or a kick-boxer.." she smirked, never having allowed herself to have thoughts like that while in the room.

Ben relaxed, his eyes glued to her belly like he was trying to comprehend it.

"Do you want to feel?" Rey asked.

"I don't have to- if it makes you uncomfortable-" he drew back like he was a dog that got wagged with a roll of newspaper.

"No, it's okay. I wouldn't have asked if it did." Rey corrected quickly. She lifted her shirt so it exposed her skin. Even in the dim room it was visible, the little poking of skin on the side of her belly, like something was crawling on the inside - as there was.

Ben hesitated, but Rey guided his palm over it, pressing it gently to the spot where the skin was probing outwards

It was a pleasure to watch his eyes widen and mouth open, before curling to a smile. Ben blinked rapidly and sniffled his nose, but it wasn't sad. Nothing of the sort.

"There's a human in you.." he said it with a puff of quiet laughter, like he'd just made the discovery.

"I know. It's crazy, right?" Rey laughed.

Ben leaned his head closer, not close enough to press his ear down, but it did look like he was trying to hear something, but of course he didn't. If he did, it was Rey's intestines rumbling. Still, he was so focused and curious, nibbling on his lower lip.

"Hi, little human.. Hi. Don't kick your mom too much, alright?" he spoke low and pleasant, and the next second the kicking stopped.

"Huh.." Ben's brows scrunched up. "They don't.. Understand talk right?"

Rey laughed as he straightened his spine and leaned back against the wall. She rolled her shirt back over her belly.

"No. It liked your voice."

"That's not possible."

"It is. It was soothing to it." Rey smiled genuinely, but Ben shook his head in disbelief.

"You're just saying that.. If anything you liked my voice and that calmed it down."

"So? Is there a difference?" her head tipped to the side.

Ben opened his mouth to protest. Then he realised what he'd said and huffed to himself.

"I suppose not.."

"Exactly. So I'm right."

Ben's lips tugged in a smile, before that faded too and a question followed: "Are you scared of having it?"

"Not anymore." Rey didn't have to think about her answer. She had been scared down in the basement, because down there it was a death sentence. She knew she wouldn't have survived another birth like Dean's.

"What about after..? Are you.." he seemed hesitant to ask.

"You know I’m not the biggest fan of adoption..” Rey murmured. She knew direct adoption wasn’t comparable to the foster system, but she was still uncomfortable with the idea. “I still want to keep it."

"Right.."

"I know it doesn't make sense, but it's my child. Not Snoke's. It’s what I want- I want my own child that I can raise properly and not like I had to raise Dean-"

There was a lingering silence in the room. 

"But you don't want to." Rey had to sigh. 

Ben's face twisted a little then. Just a hint of something creeping just below the surface. Before Rey could determine what it was, he was hanging his head, a wrinkle between his brows. 

"I don't know anymore.. I didn't, but.. But that was a month ago- and I- I had a lot of time to think about it. Rey, I don't hate the baby, I don't. I want to love it, but I'm scared that I won't know how." his voice cracked a little at the end, but he lifted his head and he was looking right at her, for once honest, not shying away from what he wanted to say. 

"I know how you feel." her heart was leaping in front of her. He had the same fears that she did, and somehow it was a relief, and not a scare. It meant that he was thinking about it, and more than else it meant that he was for once, acting like himself. Scared that he wasn’t good enough, which was something Rey remembered all too well from their time together. 

"How?" he asked, head tilting a little. 

"Because when I realised I was pregnant with Dean, I tried to beat him out of me. I tried everything to get a miscarriage, but it just wouldn't happen, and I was scared that I wouldn't be able to love him." 

His expression said nothing. Rey touched Ben's cheek and held her palm there. "And- and then he was born. And though I realised immediately that he was yours, it wasn't that that made me love him. It made it easier, sure, but-" she sucked in a deep breath. 

"A newborn baby- it's like.. It's like nothing you've ever seen. It's so pure and innocent it's difficult not to love it. And in that moment, when I picked Dean in my arms and realised that he was mine to keep- the circumstances of his birth meant nothing. Dean came into the world the worst way I can imagine, had the worst starting point, and I wanted nothing more than to show him love. He was going to live with me in that rotten hole, and I wanted to paint his world with love and I did. It's the same with this one. I don't care how this one began, because I want to show it that there is love in the world." 

Ben was quiet, but he was listening, hanging to every word she said and actually taking in what she had to say. His lip was quivering, eyes falling back to the round of her stomach. He looked at it and kept silent, until he pressed his hand on it again, doing little circle motions there. 

“I really hope you’re right.” he said quietly, but there was something in his eyes when he looked back at her. It wasn’t quite sureness, but it was a new kind of twinkle, like he was starting to believe. 

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OOOhhh welll. We're getting closer and closer to the end and honestly, I'm so nervous about the next few chapters because I'm trying to stick the landing and the pressure is huuuge, especially with how much support I've gotten about this fic, I wouldn't want to disappoint you. 
> 
> (Also because the next chapter is a big one and oh boy) 
> 
> But about this chapter, I am not a doctor of any kind and I will never be a doctor of any kind so I'm trying to keep the actual medical bits to a minimum and purposefully being vague about her treatment and so on - just imagine that she's getting the best care humanly possible because eeh I did research but I don't trust myself enough with that stuff to start writing about it in length and great detail :D 
> 
> As always, thank you for reading and stay safe out there ♥


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: Talk of alcoholism, blood, death, trauma

Outside the hospital there was a garden, with a swing set and slides meant for children visiting, as well as some of the younger patients, who were healthy enough to play outside. 

Ben made it a priority to come to the hospital everyday after work. It just happened that Dean was usually outside right around that time. 

Most times Rey was with him - Dean didn’t actually like going outside by himself. Ben supposed it was just as important for Rey to get fresh air, but he worried that she’d catch a cold. Luckily the hospital had winter clothes for them to borrow. It was already well into December so there was no business outside without proper clothing. 

Dean liked the swing set and the slides. He was a bit wary of the jungle gym, but he played on the lowest bars on that as well. He had lots of more energy with each passing day, to the point that Ben imagined that he’d probably combust if he didn’t get to spend it running around each day. 

Rey would occasionally push him on the swing set, but she was in no condition to jump around - more of it having to do with her pregnancy than the lack of energy. She looked much better after the month Ben had spent away. Her cheeks had filled out and gotten some color on them. Her hair was no longer as dull. All in all it seemed that life was returning to her withered form and seeing that made him so incredibly happy. 

She was seated on a bench, Ben sitting next to her. Dean was climbing on the jungle gym, his cheeks bright red in the chilly air. He had the excited smile of any child on his face. 

“He’s pretty amazing”, Ben said his thoughts out loud, hands tucked in the pockets of his jacket. 

Rey glanced at him, from where her eyes had been locked on Dean. 

“I know. He’s like a sponge- I know people say that, but it’s honestly true.” she laughed a little. Their eyes lingered together. Ben hadn’t given it much thought so far, but then he did. He gave a moment to the way his heart thumped every time he was around her. Even if things wouldn’t ever be the same again, he remembered that feeling and the warm glow it brought him. 

His eyes dipped down to her lips. He knew that wasn’t what she wanted, but it was what he wanted, and he was just realising how deep the need to kiss her truly was. 

He averted his eyes before Rey could. He didn’t want to make her uncomfortable, and he sure as hell would keep his damn urges to himself. Somehow it was both a relief and a concern that he was having those thoughts. He hadn’t actually thought about women that much, and he was fine with it. Intimacy wasn’t something he deeply missed - in the sense that he hadn’t actually wanted to be intimate with anyone else to begin with. He still didn’t. Now he would just have to deal with the fact that it wasn’t an option. 

“Sorry..” 

His head twisted back to Rey when she muttered the apology. She had her chin down, her fingers twisting over her round stomach. 

“For what?” 

She didn’t say, but she glanced at him in a way that made him realise. She wasn’t oblivious, that should have been obvious to him. She knew him, and he’d probably looked at her like that countless times in the past, without even realising. 

“Right.. You don’t have to apologise for that. It’s alright.” he patted her knee as warmly as he could, and he did mean what he said. He most certainly didn’t want her feeling guilty. 

“I need you to be patient.” 

“Patience is my middle name.” Ben quipped, hoping to lighten the air even a little. It was a fact that he’d never been that patient, and Rey must have remembered that. Good things come to those who make them happen, and not to those who wait. He truly believed in that, though for the past years he hadn’t been in the mood to make anything happen. Now he had something to work on. 

Rey chuckled under her breath. She gave him a smile that was thankful, before her head rested against his shoulder. It was nice. As if she was telling him that things were still alright. 

“Mom!” 

Both their heads turned to Dean. He was all the way up the jungle gym, looking at the distance down to the ground like it was the most daunting thing he’s ever faced. 

“I can’t get down.” 

Ben looked to Rey and her pregnant stomach. It probably wasn’t good for her to catch Dean from that height. 

“I’ll get him.” he said and got up, after not facing any backlash. 

Ben made his way to the base of the structure. The highest part was a bit above his head. Dean’s mouth was a tight line as he stared down at the ground. 

“Alright buddy, you gotta get your legs over the edge.” Ben said, patting the ladder which Dean had climbed up on. 

“It’s too high-” his voice was quiet. 

“I’ve got you.” he just encouraged. It took a few seconds but Dean finally shifted, backing down. He put his feet on the ladders, strangling the bars in his hands like his life depended on it. 

Ben didn’t really think about it when he put his hands under Dean’s arms, about to lift him down like he would any kid. When his hold firmed and Ben started to lift him down, Dean snapped. 

“DON’T TOUCH ME!” 

He tossed with all his weight, like an animal gone feral, sharp elbow hitting Ben square in the face so hard that he stumbled backwards and fell on the ground, Dean flying down with him. 

Ben softened the blow for Dean, so he didn’t actually hit the ground, but rather landed on Ben himself. He squirmed off of him, screaming bloody murder, and rushed to the bench where Rey was sitting, her mouth hanging open in surprise. 

Ben stayed down and squeezed his nose. Thankfully it didn’t feel like it had broken. His eyes watered but it was more for getting hit in the face than being upset about what had happened. He should have known better, but he hadn’t thought about what he was doing. Dean had asked help getting down - his natural reaction was to just lift him. It had been the simplest solution in his mind, but clearly the wrong one. 

Ben rolled on his side, and looked to the two of them on the bench. Dean was holding to Rey’s arm and glaring at him like he was the worst thing in existence. It wasn’t that he looked mad. There was something in his eyes that reminded Ben more of just plain disgust, rather than anger. Somehow, it was so much worse. 

Ben got up, still holding his nose. He hoped he wouldn’t get a black eye. 

“I’m sorry.” he stood a good few feet away from both of them, to make sure he was at an appropriate distance. 

Ben liked that Rey was giving him an apologizing smile, but it didn’t take away the pain that when it came down to it, Dean didn’t trust him any more than he trusted anyone else. No matter how much progress they’d seemingly made, it was evident that they were still in square one, and it was eating him from the inside. 

“Dean, everything is alright, nothing bad happened.” Rey said quietly, but allowed Dean to seek security from the comfort of her side. He remained quiet as a wall. 

“I’m sorry, Dean. I should have asked if you wanted to be lifted. I won’t do it again.” Ben squatted down so his head didn’t loom above theirs, anything to look less threatening. 

“Liar.” 

The cold whisper was like a knife struck right to his chest. 

“Dean. He’s apologizing.” Rey pet his back. 

Dean didn’t answer after that. Just shook his head and clung to Rey. 

“Should I go?” 

Ben didn’t want to. This felt like one of those moments when leaving would only make him feel like he wasn’t a part of the group. Still, it might have been better to let Dean calm down first, before trying to talk to him again. 

He could see from Rey’s eyes that she didn’t want to tell him to go either, but nevertheless she nodded. 

“Maybe it would be better.. just for today.” She truly looked apologetic. 

Ben truly tried not to let it show how much it hurt. It wasn’t anyone’s fault, technically. He felt like the natural conclusion was to blame himself, but he wasn’t sure what that would help. 

“I’ll come back tomorrow.” he said softly. He watched Rey and Dean go back inside, before leaving. 

Watching their backs disappear inside the building felt like a ravine between them. It didn’t feel like they were together in this. Every time he had to leave for one reason or the other, to go home or because his presence was getting overwhelming for them, it hurt. They weren’t together. It was Rey and Dean. And him. 

Ben walked back to his apartment. The walk was long, but he wanted to prolong getting there was much as he could. He still didn’t like being there. He couldn’t associate the space with anything but the worst times of his life.

He went by the corner store to get something to eat, as his fridge wasn’t exactly full of food.

He filled his basket with microwavable dishes and things that wouldn’t expire anytime soon. It didn’t seem like that much had changed. 

He walked past the drink aisle and stopped. The tall shelves and what they held were laughing at him - at the foolish man afraid of a can of beer. They did nothing but reminded him of how weak he was against the world. How the hell was he supposed to build anything when it could all be destroyed by a six pack of pilsner? It was no wonder they weren’t a real family. Ben didn’t trust himself - how could he expect Rey to trust him, with Dean, even less with the coming baby. 

The baby. 

Even the thought made Ben’s stomach twist, and he didn’t know if it was a good thing or not. He’d given it much thought, and he wanted to give the child an honest chance. He was getting a little excited about the whole idea of raising a baby. The baby wouldn’t know who their real father was - he could be the father. That made his heart beat with hope and excitement, but at the same time he was unbelievably terrified. 

Rey’d spoken about the pureness of a newborn, but Ben didn’t know if he was so open hearted. If he could show unconditional love to something he knew on some level would never truly be his. There would always be some tiny part that reminded him that it was the product of the truest violation towards someone he cared for. That it came from something violent and disgusting. It was all messed up in his head. The hope and fear tangled together in a spiderweb. 

Ben turned his back on the beer aisle and headed for the register but he could still hear the mocking him behind his shoulder. Truly, a weakling. 

Ben skipped eating, his stomach feeling like he couldn’t keep down a bite, even if he tried. 

He did his usual routine of showering and going to bed, trying to tell himself that the walls weren’t caving in. The empty apartment was something truly isolating. He stared at the ceiling and focused on breathing calmly, though he couldn’t tell if it helped or not. 

  
  
  


Ben woke up to his phone ringing. 

He blinked himself awake in the dark of his apartment bedroom, and listened to the increasing ringing on the nightstand next to him, before he realised that he actually would need to answer it as well. 

He didn’t look at the number out of habit, and just pressed the device to his ear, his voice groggy in his throat when he spoke. 

“Hello?” he coughed, clearing his voice. 

“Ben?” Rey’s voice on the other line was weak and weepy. 

“What’s wrong?” he propped on one elbow, trying to make out the room around him, but it was almost like his bed just resided in a black void. 

“Help me, Ben.” she whimpered. 

“Rey, what is happening?” He tried to kick away the sheets, but they were tangled up in his limbs, sticking him down like he was being glued to the mattress. 

“Help me, Ben.” 

“I’m trying! What is happening-”

“Why aren’t you helping me, Ben?” 

“Rey I’m-” 

“Why aren’t you helping me?” 

  
  
  


Ben flinched awake in his lit bedroom and jumped out of his bed, tossing the covers violently across the room like they were on fire. He stood in the middle of the floor panting, gripping his head from both sides. 

Just a nightmare. Just a nightmare. 

His eyes were drawn to his phone, and he took it in hand to check the time, but instead he noticed he had a missed call from Rey’s hospital room from two minutes ago.

His stomach turned cold, and he nearly dropped the phone when the screen lit up as it began ringing again. This time he answered, nervously pressing the device to his ear. 

“Hello?” 

“Drag your ass over here”, Rey said in a sharp, borderline angry tone. 

“Rey? Are you okay?” 

“Just dandy. But the baby is coming, and I want you here.” she nearly growled, which told Ben that she really meant it. 

Ben smiled. He actually smiled, because he hadn’t expected Rey to want him with her in the delivery. She hadn’t mentioned it before, and he hadn’t wanted to ask. He didn’t want to push any boundaries with their situation as fragile as it was. 

Ben held the phone between his shoulder and ear, as he started searching for his pants. He hopped in them while the call continued. 

“I’m on my way.” 

  
  
  


***

  
  
  


A few hours later Rey was squeezing the life out of Ben's hand. Her hair was soaked with sweat and her face was red and twisted with how much she was struggling.

"You're doing great. You can do this." Ben didn't know what he was supposed to say. Did people talk during childbirth or was it quiet? All Ben knew was that if he lost focus he might as well pass out. He still hadn’t eaten and there was _a_ _lot_ going on. 

Rey’d wanted to have a vaginal birth, but the room was prepped for an emergency c-section just in case. There was staff standing by, working alongside a doctor and a delivery nurse.

"Fuck you, Ben." she barked and gasped for air.

"Why?" He didn't even know why he was talking at that point.

"Because I didn't get to tell you the first time- FUCK."

Ben wasn't sure if he should have laughed, if that was a joke or not, but he did. He laughed, and without even thinking he pressed a kiss on top of her head. He didn't even register doing so until moments later, when the nurse was telling Rey to push again. It appeared that Rey hadn’t noticed either, which might have been for the better.

Ben had never seen childbirth, and it was truly a wonderful experience in the sense that it was terrifying and amazing at the same time.

One moment he was being kept in a death grip by Rey, and the next, the delivery nurse was smiling, holding up a tiny, bloody human that let out the faintest wail as its lungs filled with air for the first time.

"It's a girl", she said, gently rubbing the baby clean with a towel before she was tucked inside Rey's hospital gown for skin on skin contact.

Ben had never seen anything so beautiful. 

She was incredibly small and fragile, and couldn’t have weighed more than three or four pounds. She was tiny and pink and wrinkly, with skin that looked delicate as silk paper. She was perfect. 

"Ben", Rey looked up at him from the baby, and Ben had to blink to fight back tears, when he raised his eyes to Rey’s.

"Yes?" he couldn't stop smiling, and she couldn't either. A soft, tender expression covered her face, and she reached one trembling hand to his cheek.

She didn’t say anything, just looked at him, and he looked back. His heart hadn’t felt so full in a long time. It was warm and beating and it was all because of her. 

He didn't think about saying anything, but the words slipped out of him on their own: "I love you."

He'd said it before. A thousand times over after they started dating, but somehow this felt like a first. He felt like he had on the back of his dad's truck all those years ago. Ben remembered it, what it felt like to tell her then. Just like then he hadn't thought about telling her, he just did, and he knew it was true.

Rey paused with a blank expression and he thought he’d messed up. He was getting ahead of himself. But he was just so damn happy. Rey sniffled, a teary eyed smile breaking on her face. She reached up, and gently pressed her forehead to his, if only for a split second. She didn’t say anything, but somehow, the feeling was there.

She lowered herself down to the pillows. "We can do this, can't we? Make this work?" 

Ben wondered if she’d been feeling the same isolation as he had. It felt more likely now than it had before.

"Yes." This time Ben was sure of it. They could make this work again.

A few seconds passed, where everything was right for one golden moment.

Then he looked down at the baby and the pink of her wrinkly skin was almost blue.

"Rey." he reached a hand over, cupping the baby's face and it didn't react. "Something's wrong-” he lifted his face and with the panic alive in his eyes, the delivery nurse came and took the baby. 

“She’s not breathing.” the nurse said the following second and the baby was rushed to a table, where the doctor crowded over her. 

“What- what is happening?” Ben couldn’t move from his place on Rey’s side, feet rooted there, just squeezing Rey’s hand almost as hard as she’d held it during the delivery. 

“No pulse.” the doctor said, but it wasn’t directed to him, it was to the nurse. 

This couldn’t be how this was supposed to go. 

The monitor next to Rey started howling. 

Ben’s eyes darted there, and then to Rey, who was also pale as a ghost now. 

Ben’s knees gave out. 

“Her blood pressure dropped, the patient is bleeding heavily.” one nurse called out and then yelled something to the hallway, and three other staff members came rushing in. 

Ben had never been in a terrible accident. He’d never felt that rush of utter chaos, of everything happening all at once and falling to pieces. It wasn’t like a month back when he’d had his breakdown. He felt as though he was watching the vase drop in slow motion, but he was powerless to stop it from hitting the floor. He was only waiting for the crash. It was all slipping away. Just like that, he was once again losing everything. 

The sounds around him faded behind the insistent beating that went on his ears. They could have been saying anything. He just saw it all happen, how everything crumbled around him. The doctor and the nurse were on the table with the baby girl and Rey was on the bed, white as the sheets she laid on, half a dozen people around her, trying to stop her from bleeding. 

Only Ben’s head could turn when they rushed the bed into the hallway and out of sight to be operated on. He feared that that might have been the last he ever saw of her. 

His throat burned. It absolutely scorched with how dry it was and how sticky his tongue was against his palate but he already knew that there wasn’t going to be enough alcohol in the world if he now started drinking - and if he started now there was no way in hell he’d stop before he died. 

The delivery nurse that had taken the baby walked to him slowly, or it seemed slow to him. 

She had the baby in her arms, wrapped in a blanket, but she wasn’t smiling. She looked at him right in the eyes and shook her head. 

“I’m sorry, Mr Solo.” she squatted down to the floor, and offered the baby towards him. He could see the tiny face that had now turned something like purple and grey. 

“There was nothing we could have done, she didn’t have the strength. I’m truly sorry.” 

Ben breathed in shallow gasps, eyes locked on the unmoving face of the poor baby. He wondered how many breaths she’d taken. Just the one? Or maybe two. It couldn’t have been many. 

Two breaths of life. 

“Can I hold her?” his voice was stuck in his throat, but he forced it out. The nurse nodded, and handed the bundle over to him. 

"She looks like Rey.." Ben whispered, drawing his finger over the tip of her nose. It was Rey's nose, most definitely, and her eye shape. Ben wasn’t aware of crying, until a few large drops fell on the baby’s cheeks and forehead, and he quickly dried them off with his thumb. 

"I'll leave you for a moment." the nurse said, touching Ben's arm briefly for comfort, before taking a step back.

That got Ben to look up from the child, at the nurse. He couldn't say anything out loud, but his expression said it all. He was utterly lost. 

The nurse and doctor left Ben with the baby, and when the door closed, silence fell to the room, like darkness had descended. 

He was careful of the head, supporting it against his arm as his finger traced the puffy cheek that was already getting cold. 

She weighed nothing. 

“I’m sorry- I’m so sorry.” Ben didn’t know who he was apologizing for, but he lifted the baby to the crook of his neck and gasped for air in his lungs. Was it possible to drown on dry land? Ben was sure that was happening.

Ben bent over in tears, only to realise a second later that he was still holding the baby, and straightened up, not wanting to crush her. It felt like she was looking up at him, though her eyes were closed and would never open up again. Despite that, Ben felt like she was somehow looking right through him. Everything he'd ever done and at the very being of his heart, looking and wondering what to make of him. It didn’t make any sense.

"I can’t do this-" he whispered with a choked out voice, pressing his forehead to the child’s.

He’d never felt so alone.

He wondered if that’s how Rey’d felt when Dean had been born. How alone she'd been and how the whole time through her pregnancy she'd believed she couldn't love the child. Up until that moment when she’d come to the world, Ben hadn’t known either. He knew now. 

_It wasn’t just that he was clearly yours._ _He was a blank canvas. I wanted him to know love._

Ben looked down at the baby. She wasn’t his child. By all logic she wasn’t, but Ben couldn’t stop thinking about what Rey’d said because it was absolutely true. She was a blank canvas. She’d had two breaths. Two. It was all too few for her to know that there’d been people around her who loved her.

Just like he'd done to Rey earlier, he brought his lips to the baby’s head and kissed her against her temple.

"I love you."

The three words were hardly audible, but he hoped that somehow, she knew. That somehow, in those two breaths, she’d known. 

It was the least he could give. 

  
  
  


***

  
  
  


Waiting for Rey to get out of surgery was like waiting for the worst. Ben had forced his legs to carry him from the floor to a chair, after the nurse returned and took the baby away from him. He didn’t know where she was being taken, but he felt like hyperventilating the moment the light weight no longer rested on his arms. 

The operation lasted longer than Ben thought and with every passing minute it felt more likely that it would be bad news. 

When a doctor finally came to tell him that the worst was now behind, Ben nearly cried of relief. 

That only lasted for a few seconds, because he knew the pain still wasn’t over. He had to wonder if it was ever going to be - it didn’t seem like it. 

Rey was placed in ICU for the moment, under constant monitoring, a nurse posted in the room at all times in case the bleeding started again. They let Ben come in for a quick visit once the anesthesia started to wear off, and it would be better if she had a familiar face there waiting for her. 

Rey's eyes were open, and she was looking around, slowly turning his head around.

She looked at the nurse that was keeping watch in the room, then at him. 

"Rey", he whispered her name, and immediately caught her attention in the dark. 

Her gaze stopped on him, looking at him quietly.

"Where is she?" she asked, her voice stuck in her throat.

Ben's stomach twisted in knots, and he got up from the chair he was curled on. He moved to her bedside, and brushed his fingertips against the back of her hand.

"She didn't make it."

The room was silent.

"Where is she?" Rey repeated, her brows turning to a frown.

"Rey- she didn't make it. She died." Ben wasn't sure what else he was supposed to say. He felt his eyes sting, but he fought against crying.

"Where. Is. She. I want my baby. Get me my baby, Ben."

"Rey- she's- she's not here right now."

"No, I want her now." Rey tossed one leg over the edge of the bed. On instinct Ben took her shoulder and tried to stop her, as gently as he could.

The slap across his face was hard and made a sound sharp as a knife.

"Don't you fucking touch me." Rey snarled, and without a word he backed.

His cheek felt tingly as the pain spread out, and then began to warm. Somehow he felt like he'd been stabbed to the heart, more than hit across the face. 

None of it mattered. Ben wanted to scream. None of it had made any difference, not him loving her, nor him loving the baby. They weren't whole in the least.

Rey was looking at him, and Ben wasn't sure what kind of expression he was making but it couldn't have been good.

Rey's lip trembled. She looked down at the hand that had struck him, and squeezed it to a fist.

"Mr. Solo, it's time for you to leave." the nurse hurried to stand between them, acting as a shield, Ben didn't know to whom. 

He didn't have to be told twice. 

Ben knew there was more behind the slap than that. Somehow, this must have reminded her or the basement because Ben refused to believe she would otherwise hit him. It wasn't that he couldn't forgive her for that. He just didn't want to be someone who reminded her so much of her trauma that she would feel the need to hit him to get him to back off.

Ben left, hands tucked in his pockets, heart beating in his throat. He thought about leaving, he was halfway to the door when he turned in the opposite direction and went to the room where Rey usually was, already knowing that Dean would be awake. 

He knocked on the door before stepping in. 

Dean was on his bed, hugging his pillow in his arms and tears rolling down his face, quiet, tired, scared. 

"Hey, buddy." Ben said quietly. 

The boy looked at him. Wary, but not too scared to talk. 

"Where's mom?" he wiped his eyes. 

Ben took in a deep breath. 

"Resting.. She's really tired right now." 

"Did she have the baby?" 

Ben nodded, then shook his head. 

"She- the baby- it was a girl. She.. She died right away." 

Ben wasn't sure if Dean had a concept of death. The boy shifted a bit, his brows scrunching up like he was deep in thought. 

"So.. The baby bled out?" 

"What?" 

"Mom used to get babies in her belly. She says they bled out. Sometimes she was hurting really badly, and then she'd bleed." 

A string tightened around Ben’s chest. He felt lightheaded. Of course that was to be expected, but it still made him want to pass out. 

"No." he shook his head. "The.. The baby was born. She breathed, and cried.. And then she went to sleep and didn't wake up." 

Dean nodded like he understood. He didn't look sad, at least not in particular, despite the fact that he'd been crying. 

Ben shifted in his footsteps. 

“Is mom going to die too?" 

Dean was hugging the pillow tighter, lips pinched between his teeth in a straight line. He was looking at Ben with his brown eyes and Ben wondered if his face had ever looked so scared - probably. 

"I.. Can I sit down?” Ben took a step towards the edge of the bed. He was prepared for Dean to say no - they hadn’t exactly spent time, just the two of them, and after last time he didn’t think he would want to. 

There was hesitation in his eyes for sure, but after a moment of consideration, Dean nodded. 

Ben gave him the softest of smiles, before moving to a chair and crossing his leg over the other. Dean sat on his bed, 

"Dean- do you know what a dad is?" 

"Like a mom.. But not." he said in the quietest voice. 

"Do you know that I'm your dad?" 

Ben saw him nod in the corner of his eye. 

"Mom said so. I don't know what dads do.." 

"It means that- that when your mom isn't here, like now, then I'll be here." Ben's face tipped towards the floor. He didn’t know how to look at Dean at that moment. “Whenever you feel sad or scared..” 

Ben didn't even know what he was talking, but he kept on going, words spilling out of him. 

“Does that mean mom won’t be coming back?” the mattress shifted a bit, as Dean crawled on his knees, now looking at Ben closer, with his chin trembling. 

“She’ll be back. I promise.” Ben wasn’t sure if he was telling Dean or himself. The fact was that he was honestly unsure if Rey’d be coming back. Everything was simply so uncertain. 

Another nod. Ben felt his body shake a bit with a small cry that escaped him, but he fought it back the next second. He couldn’t crumble in front of Dean right now. 

"Why are you sad?" Dean looked up. 

"I- I'm scared." he answered honestly. He didn’t see a point in lying. 

"Of what?" 

"This.. It's all.. Difficult. I want us to be a family- it's just not that easy. It was supposed to be- you, your mom and me, we were.. I guess it was always supposed to be just us but now we're starting from the middle and not the beginning and- it's so difficult." Ben pressed one hand over his face, rubbing his eyes to the bottom of his palm. "I don't suppose you understand.."

"But this is the beginning, right?" Dean said simply. 

Ben turned his head to him and the little boy was looking at him with wide eyes. 

"It's the beginning. Me, mom, you. How is it the middle when we just started?” 

Ben wanted to laugh. He didn't, but instead he stared at Dean with his mouth slightly open.

It was the beginning. No matter how he looked at it, they were in square one, and maybe it wasn't the worst thing. 

"You're right.. You're absolutely right." he shook his head and dared to laugh a bit. "How are you so smart, huh?" his hand moved to ruffle his hair, and the second before Ben's fingers touched his head he stopped himself, and pulled away. 

"Sorry. I won't touch without permission." 

Dean said nothing, but looked at his hand, before taking it himself and placing it on his head. 

"Mom does this too." 

"Do you like it?" 

"U-huh.” Dean agreed and let Ben pet his head. 

It was quiet for another moment. Ben felt the ache in his chest easy up a little by little, as he gently stroked through Dean’s hair, and for the briefest of moments he allowed himself to think that he was stroking his son’s head instead. 

  
  
  


***

  
  
  


They gave Rey a chance to hold the baby before it was taken to the morgue. It was meant to help with accepting the loss, and Rey supposed it helped to see the tiny unmoving baby, but she wouldn’t cry. 

She supposed she should have, but no matter how long she looked at the child she simply rejected the idea that she should feel bad. 

When this one hadn’t bled out of her by the time they all usually had, she’d allowed herself some resemblance of hope. That this would be different. For those first seconds it had been: When she’d wailed and placed on her chest, she’d felt love and connection with her baby. 

Now she wasn’t there. Because she was dead. Like the rest of them. 

“You can take her now.” she said to the nurse, slowly handing the tiny bundle over, and the nurse took her away. 

Rey settled back to the bed, staring at the ceiling. A string coiled around her heart. It shouldn’t have been any different from the ones she’d already lost. It shouldn’t have, but it was. 

Ben sat on a chair next to the bed, a wrinkle between his brows. His eyes were red and puffy. He’d definitely cried. Rey felt a stab of guilt when she remembered how she’d smacked him. It had been uncalled for, but the movement had come to her, as if she hadn’t been in control of her own body. 

“Twenty-three.” 

“What?” 

“I kept count.” she looked to her hands. “I had twenty-three miscarriages while I was down there.” 

Ben didn’t say anything. Her heart felt like it was being strangled. “And- I was sure this one wouldn’t make it either. Until we got out and I let myself believe that she would- and look what happened.” she threw her head back and squeezed her eyes shut. 

“So no. I refuse to cry. I don’t want to- because I didn’t cry for the twenty-three that came before her, so she’s not special- she’s not-” 

That’s when the tears came. 

Rey wheezed to her palms, until she had to force herself to sit, and reach for Ben. He didn’t hesitate, but immediately, pulled her to his chest and let her cry burning tears to his shirt. 

“Why does it have to hurt- it’s not fair- I don’t want to cry-” she gripped Ben’s shoulders and panted for air in her lungs. The lightness in her head indicated that she either wasn’t getting enough air or too much and she didn’t know which one. 

“I fucking hate this- I hate this so much-” she felt sting of anger. She’d lost. She was crying for Snoke’s bastard. It was like he’d gotten one last crack at her. Making her love and care for his child, to cry over something she should be relieved of losing. But she wasn’t relieved, because this hurt so much more than anything had before. Because she hadn’t hoped for anything for the twenty-three. She’d hoped for their deaths, but this one- this one she’d actually been worried over and this one she’d wanted to love like she loved Dean and in all sense of the word, she had loved her. 

Snoke had made Ben cry for his bastard child. Had made Ben love his child that he’d raped inside her and if that too hurt because he shouldn’t have to cry, but he did anyway. 

He’d made them feel all those things for something they didn’t even get to keep. 

And now she couldn’t even be sad properly because of how conflicted and wrong she felt for crying. 

Ben pet her head, long, calm strokes through her hair, his lips pressed to her hairline where he muttered hushing tones and soothing words. She could feel the droplets on her head that told her that he was crying as well. It felt awful that he had to cry. He had no reason to - he’d lost nothing. Yet he cried. 

“Did you have a name for her?” he asked, after the first wave of her cries had faded to a silent sniffling. 

She hadn’t thought of a name. She hadn’t given herself that much freedom. Now it felt pointless and counter productive. 

“She doesn’t need one.” Rey just muttered with a shake of her head. No name. That was good. It made her pain feel smaller than it actually was. 

Ben didn’t say anything again, just nodded against her head and kept on stroking her hair. 

“I’m so sorry, Rey.” he rested her back to the pillows, dragging his chair close enough to sit. “I know how much you wanted this.”

“Why are you crying for Snoke’s bastard?” Maybe it was her upset that took away the filter from her tongue, but she never would have expected to see Ben flinch like that. 

“I’m not crying for Snoke’s bastard.” he said like it was obvious. He glanced around the room like he was looking for something that wasn’t there, before he bit his lips and brought his forehead to her temple. Rey could feel how he was trembling against her. 

“She was ours.. I- I wanted for us to have a family again. Rey this- what we’re now it doesn’t feel like a family-” he was holding her hand tight, bringing it to his chest. His voice wasn’t above a whisper, mixed with swallows and sniffing of his nose. “I love you so fucking much and I’ve been trying to jump ahead-” 

Rey listened. She wanted nothing more than to climb in Ben’s arms and stay there forever. The basement had been cold. The hospital felt cold. She had the brief thought that it was the one place where she’d never had to feel anything terrible. 

“This is the beginning, right?” his voice was shaky, followed by a swallow that Rey heard clearly against her temple. 

Rey took in a deep breath. 

The beginning. That sounded like a good thing. 

  
  
  


***

  
  
  


It was a cold morning in early January when they had a burial at the local graveyard. 

It was just them, Rey, Ben and Dean, there, as well as some graveyard staff there to perform the ceremony.

In the very back of the graveyard, where Rey’s headstone had once been, was a new stone, the original one detailing her death removed, and a new one in its place. It felt only fitting to bury the child into a place that was already there. 

It was quiet when they lowered the tiny white baby casket to the ground. It wasn’t much bigger than a shoe box. 

They watched from the side of how they filled up the tomb. It was like watching a door close slowly on the past, the last of the basement disappearing into the hem of mother earth. 

With the death of one, they got three new beginnings. 

  
  


Unknown baby girl 

*† 2019

There were no hymns sung, no beautiful words passed, just silence, because no one felt the need to say anything. 

Ben had Rey’s hand in one hand, Dean’s in the other. 

A step from square one, to square two. 

  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off, I am truly sorry for anyone who has suffered the loss of a child. I can only imagine the pain of that, and hope that what I've written here brings justice to that. 
> 
> Secondly I wanted to open up my thought about this chapter because I have a lot of feelings inside me right now, and I guess I won't have a peace of mind if I don't put this out there. 
> 
> The plan was from the beginning that the baby would die. Somehow I never thought of this as sad though. Maybe it's because I'm writing this and that gives me a sort of added perspective on the whole thing. The way I planned this, the death of the baby was a way for both of them to move on from the past, in a way that was both emotional and symbolic. The death closing the door on the basement and giving them the freedom to move on from there. I don't know if that makes sense, but it does to me at least. So even though the death is sad in itself, I never thought of it was a "tragedy." I know a lot of you were hoping for adoption, and honestly I did consider changing the death to that for a second, but then decided against it, because well, if I was going to do this then I was going all out, no regrets. 
> 
> That's all, sorry for the rant. I just felt like I needed to get that off my chest ♥ 
> 
> As always, thank you for reading and stay safe out there :)


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: PTSD
> 
> 6 month timeskip.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is like the first chapter that I haven't felt major anxiety about publishing. 
> 
> Also I know the story is now in the year 2020, but let's just pretend that covid is not a thing in this universe, shall we. We don't need that in the mix. ;) 
> 
> Happy Valentines day yall, this is a surprisingly fitting chapter for today.

Ben didn’t hate the clock on Maz Kanata’s yellow wall nearly as much as he had back in November. 

He wondered if that had something to do with the fact that back then his head had been absolutely killing him, and the ticking had only made it worse. 

Maybe it was because he now heard it once a week and had already gotten used to the vaguely irritating thing - so much so that most of the time he didn’t even think about it. Now he was thinking about it, because he couldn’t wait for the session to be over and the pointers weren’t moving as fast as he would have wanted them to.

“What’s so interesting about the clock?” Maz shifted a bit in her chair, pushing her glasses up her nose. 

Ben wiped away the ever so slight smirk that threatened to break his composure. 

“I can’t wait for today to be over.” he said in a monotone voice. 

He could tell Maz wasn’t sure what to make of that statement. She clicked her pen and leaned her elbow on the arm rest. 

“Oh? Why is that?” 

It might have been a very ordinary Friday in the last week of June, but for Ben it was a very special day. His summer vacation from work would start tomorrow, which meant he had two blissful weeks of nothing but time for his family. 

He shared this with Maz, whose wrinkly face relaxed into a knowing smile. 

“And how is your family?” 

They talked quite a bit about that in their sessions. It was complicated - they weren’t living together at the moment which was one of the main reasons Ben was so excited for their upcoming time with each other. 

Rey and Dean had moved in with Han and Leia in February, after she was healthy enough to leave the hospital. Their house was big and evaluated as suitable for their recovery - some part of it probably doing with the fact that Rey’d personally asked for it. Ben remained in his apartment, though he did spend as much time with them as possible. 

“They’re doing well. Dean is advancing with his reading. Rey is.. well she’s.. doing better I suppose. She’s been working with a professional three times a week, but there are bad days, and good days and just _days_.. It’s a long process, I know.”

“You look like you have something on your mind.” 

Ben breathed out, and shook his head. 

“It’s stupid.” 

“Nothing is stupid, Ben. Tell me.” 

Ben fiddled with his fingers. His stomach fluttered, and he could feel a bit of heat cross over his cheeks as he turned his head to face the wall instead of the older woman. 

“I’ve been thinking.. I’ll be staying with them for the two weeks and.. this is so stupid..” he laughed at himself, and pinched the bridge of his nose between two fingers. “I want to ask her if we could sleep on the same bed. But that would be a huge step- and I don’t want to get ahead of myself or scare her.” 

Despite it having been months already, their relationship had remained in the same state it had been back in January. Ben hadn’t expected that it would have moved, so it wasn’t really an issue. Ben knew how to keep boundaries, but a part of him wanted to at least try to take a step forward. His fear was that it could easily become two steps back if everything backfired. Rey was still fine with hugs, as well as other casual contact, but Ben wasn’t going to pretend like this wouldn’t be a massive leap for them, even when he did actually mean _sleeping_ and nothing else. 

“Sounds like you should ask her.” Maz put it simply. “There’s no harm in asking. I’m sure Rey wants to make progress as much as you want. You just have to figure out how to do that in a way that suits the both of you.” 

Ben agreed, it was a matter of communication more than anything else. They saw a couple’s therapist once a month, where they’d mostly worked on just that; Communication. They needed to be able to talk about what they were feeling, what hopes they had, what fears, all the things that had seemed self-explanatory ten years ago and now felt impossible to get out. 

It was obvious that he needed to ask, but at the same time he was in the mindset that he didn’t want to ask Rey for anything. His wants and needs should have been irrelevant - that’s how Ben felt at least. 

“I suppose.” he stated dryly, not any closer to resolve than he’d been a moment ago. 

  
  
  


After the session Ben headed straight to work. The First Order’s office wasn’t that far from Maz’s reception, and he didn’t mind the walk anyway. 

It was getting pretty hot outside. Ben much preferred the winter. He slung his blazer over his shoulder as he walked, hoping that it would somehow prevent him from breaking a sweat, but of course it did not.

Walking into the air conditioned lobby was like walking to a refreshing wall of cool air, and Ben couldn’t have welcomed it any more than he did. 

First thing he did was go wipe his neck in the bathroom, hoping that he didn’t smell bad enough to make everyone else working in the cubicles pass out from sheer disgust. He was sure if that was the case Hux would be the one to personally push his head under the faucet. The man couldn’t stand it when people’s hygiene wasn’t up to code. 

Luckily no one looked visibly disturbed by his presence within the first hour, so he figured he was in the clear for the rest of the day. 

  
  
  


***

  
  
  


Rey rarely felt physical excitement for anything, but that morning she woke up with anticipation running through her veins. 

She believed it was a good thing she’d hyped herself up for Ben staying with them. Dean was very excited - his relationship with Ben had been mostly smooth sailing, which honestly surprised Rey. She wasn’t complaining, though. It never failed to warm her heart when Dean took Ben’s hand or asked him to tuck him to sleep. It seemed to give Ben a lot of joy as well, getting to do the little things any dad would do. 

Things hadn’t been quite that easy for her. 

Rey’d fallen to a comfortable routine of waking up at nine in the morning, having breakfast and doing some little housework. Her therapist said that getting up at a specific time in the morning and finding a rhythm in her days was important and helped ease her recovery. 

Rey couldn’t say she disagreed. If she had those small routines there, it was easier for her to focus on other issues. 

She was supposed to set a small goal for each day. 

Some days it felt impossible to go outside. On those days she set a goal to at least go to the porch. Some days the walls were caving in and she’d much rather be outside. On those days she found some task inside that she needed to complete - be it anything at all from doing the dishes to watching an episode of some tv show. 

They were small victories but after completing her small, arbitrary goals for months she noticed that they weren’t small at all. The goals were changing from doing things around the house to going to the store and meeting an old friend, or having dinner at a restaurant now that she was eating normally. 

That day they’d planned on picking Ben up from work and going directly to their house, but Rey had a few errands to run before that - the biggest one being that she wanted to plant new flowers on her baby’s grave, now that they were in the summer months. 

She had tried not to think about the baby at all for a while. It was more destructive than productive, according to her therapist. She was allowed to mourn her loss just like anyone, and do things that made her feel better about it. 

One of those things was tending to her grave, lighting candles and doing things any parent would do to their child’s grave. 

It became a bit easier after that, and Rey noticed herself thinking of the baby as hers, and theirs, instead of something she wasn’t allowed to mourn and miss. 

Leia helped her pick out the best flowers for her. Rey loved daisies and they’d always been her favourite flowers anyway. She remembered having read somewhere that they symbolize purity, motherhood and new beginnings, so it felt only right that the white, yellow eyed buds were what would decorate her child’s grave.

Leia smiled at her once they were done with the planting. They strolled around the graveyard, taking in the sunny weather when Rey stopped in her footsteps and glared at one headstone in particular. It was new - much like her daughters. 

“We don’t have to walk this way.” Leia said, knowing fully well that it was Snoke’s grave she was staring at. 

He’d only died a month ago. 

Somehow that both pissed Rey off, and made her feel relief. 

The relief came more from not having killed him - though she did cause severe brain damage which left him in a coma for all this time, until one day he’d just died. A part of her hoped that he would have died by her hand, but then another part told her that it was better like this - he hadn’t made her into a killer, even if it would have been in self-defense. 

“No. I need to do something.” Rey clenched her jaw. There was something she had thought about doing for the full month, after she’d been informed of his demise. 

The whole legal process was a bit unclear to Rey. She’d wanted to be as little involved in the processing as she could - only having to go to court once. All she knew was that they’d won the case, and along with the psychological victory over the case she’d gotten a considerable sum of money. Rey didn’t care about the money, it was the mental victory that she relished more than anything else. 

“Wait here”, she told Leia as she walked to the grave, leaving Leia to stand on the pathway. 

Rey stared at the stone and considered it. For a moment she thought about holding herself to a higher standard. Being the bigger person. But then that thought passed like it never existed.

The gratification she got for putting her feet on the upper edge of the headstone and kicking it back with all her might probably shouldn’t have been as big, but it was. 

It felt damn great when the large stone fell back and slammed against the ground. She felt sorry it hadn’t cracked. That would have surely been a satisfying sight to behold. 

She snorted in through her nose and spat down. 

That as well, was all too gratifying. 

It was too little. She would have wanted to do more. She wanted to utterly demolish the grave but there were still people around and she did have some sense of dignity 

But for the moment she felt proud. 

“I won.” she stated to the gold engraved stone and walked away to where Leia was still waiting. 

The older woman didn’t say any objections, but offered Rey her elbow and she looped their arms together. 

This felt like one of the better days. 

  
  
  


Leia checked the three of them- herself, Rey and Dean into the First Order office building at the info desk. They’d picked Dean up from his private tutoring, and now all they had left to do was get Ben from work. 

It had been ages since Rey’d visited the building, and as she had come to expect it did not look the same. The designs were still modern, but other than that she didn’t think she saw anything she remembered - not that she had that clear of an image of the building’s insides anyway. 

The elevator was hell. 

It was absolute torture and Rey didn’t even realise before the doors closed in and they were stuck in that small metal cube going up. 

Her knees began to shake the second the doors shut them in. 

The thing was that she hadn’t actually used an elevator yet, and she hadn’t thought about what that could trigger in her. 

Closed space. No way out. She cursed herself for not seeing it coming. 

Leia squeezed her hand, which calmed her long enough that they got to the 4th floor. Rey practically stumbled out when the doors opened. 

She flew forward, two hands against the wall to keep herself standing. 

“I can’t breathe-” 

“Rey, it’s alright- you’re alright.” Leia knelt by her, one hand between her shoulder blades, rubbing circles. She felt another small touch on her shoulder and her brain registered that Dean was there too. 

Her eyes shot to him, fearing that he would be just as terrified. He wasn’t, but he looked at her like he knew what she was going through. 

“We’re out.” he stated, looking right in her eyes. Not just out of the elevator. 

That was enough for the time being, for air to start flowing in her lungs again. 

She stayed still for a good ten minutes. allowing her body time to calm down, and her hands to stop shaking. She steadied herself to Dean’s arm, bringing him to a quiet, thankful hug. Dean had been her support even back in the basement. Rey felt a bit silly for thinking that had changed, when it definitely hadn’t. 

“Are we still doing the thing?” Dean looked up at her after a moment, and she adored the hopeful twinkle he had in his eyes. 

“If you are sure you want to.” she nodded. It was difficult not to smile along with him, his grin an infectious one. 

“What are you two planning?” Leia looked between them, her hands on her hips, an expression on her face that said that she was unsure what direction to take. 

Rey didn’t have to force on the grin. Dean beamed at Leia, practically vibrating in his skin. 

The cubicles were just down the hall, and they walked there, Dean leading the charge. Leia kept glancing in her direction, trying to make sense of things. 

They came to the cubicles. It wasn’t hard to make out where Ben was since she could see the top of his head even when he was sitting down at his computer. He was facing their way, and the glass walls separating the spaces made way for her to see his expression. 

“Go ahead.” she leaned down to whisper in Dean’s ear and pat him on the back. 

The boy didn’t need to be told twice, and he practically sprinted the distance. 

“Dad!” 

Rey saw how Ben’s head twisted to the direction of Dean’s shout, and the next second the little boy jumped at him to wrap his arms behind Ben’s neck. 

From their vantage point Rey and Leia could clearly see the moment Ben’s whole expression shattered and his eyes watered. 

Dean hadn’t actually called him dad before. 

Three days ago Dean had come to Rey and explained that everyone else called their dads that. He wanted to do that too, to be like everyone else. 

Rey’d said it was probably a bigger thing that Dean thought it was, but if he really wanted to, he should by all means call Ben as dad. 

After that had come their plan to surprise him. 

Rey couldn’t hold back anymore and just walked to his cubicle, where Ben was wiping his eyes, a stupidly happy smile on his face. 

He didn’t even seem to register her presence until a moment later. 

“Hi”, his voice cracked when he looked up at her from his seat, still holding Dean on his knee. 

“Hi”, she answered. “Are you ready for your vacation?” 

He laughed, nodding at the same time. 

“More than ready.” he put Dean down on the floor, and shut his computer up. 

Rey didn’t miss the way he glanced at her hand when he got up. He never asked to hold it, but he always kept his hand that was on her side free so she could take it if she wanted to. 

This time she did. 

They got quite a bit of looks from the other people working there, but Rey was determined that this was not something she was ashamed of, even if they had caused a bit of a ruckus. 

Ben kissed his mother on the cheek. 

It looked nice. Really nice actually, and Rey let herself think that maybe it would be nice if he greeted her like that too. Maybe his stubble would tickle her cheek. Maybe it wouldn’t have to be just a greeting. Maybe she would like it. 

It wasn’t the first time she was entertaining ideas like that, but she kept them strictly to herself. For maybe a week or two she had paid attention to the fact that she no longer openly dislikes the idea of kissing in particular. Nothing more than that. She’d come to the very indecisive conclusion that maybe a simple kiss every now and then wouldn’t be the end of the world but something she might enjoy. 

The idea had to fade, when Rey realised they were back at the elevator door. 

“Are there stairs?” she blurted out rather loudly before Ben could press the call button. 

He looked at her and Rey felt squirmish. His expression gave away nothing. 

“Sure. They’re back here.” he said after a few seconds, and Rey felt like he’d just looked into her mind. He knew something was wrong, and the way his expression had shifted told Rey that he probably had an idea of what it was. Rey appreciated the no questions asked approach he took for this one, and let Ben walk her down the stairs while Leia took the elevator with Dean. 

  
  
  


Rey thought Ben was acting weird. Almost like he was avoiding her to a certain extent. Rey wasn’t sure why that bothered her so much, but today it did. 

He didn’t do anything unusual, but he seemed tense and fidgety around her like he was holding onto something that was threatening to get loose.

Dean wanted Ben to read to him when he went to sleep. It was an amusing sight - Ben in reading glasses, another reminder to her that years had passed and he was in fact forty years old now.

He pushed the glasses up to his forehead when he came back downstairs, giving her a smile. 

“Coffee?” Rey offered, even though it was already nine in the evening. She knew Ben was a night owl to some extent. 

“Sure. Do you want to go sit on the porch?” he asked, which wouldn’t have been unusual, but with the way he’d been acting since they got back home indicated that they were about to have a conversation. 

There were two lounge chairs on Han and Leia’s porch, and Rey took a seat on the one further from the door, placing her coffee mug in the cup holder. It was quite idyllic, the backyard that unfolded before them, the orange glow of the evening sun and the warm summer air. 

“So I’ve been thinking-” there it was. Rey prepared herself mentally for anything. Ben wasn’t looking at her, but there was a shade of pink on his face, and Rey couldn’t tell if it was the sun or not. 

“This vacation, when we’ll be- well, we’ll be living together.” he said, hands flexing over his knees where he sat. “I’ve been thinking about this- and well, if you’re open to the idea.. maybe, and I do mean _maybe,_ we could try- sleepinginthesamebed.” 

Rey couldn’t help the surprise that must have washed over her face in that moment. Ben still wasn’t looking at her, but at his hands, and that time the red on his face definitely wasn’t from the sunset. 

“We don’t have to. I just- I wanted to put the idea in the air. I don’t mean right now, or ever, if that’s not something you want, but- I- I guess it would mean a lot to me if that was something we could try.” he glanced at her, lip pinched between his teeth. Rey could almost hear how fast his heart must have been beating. 

It wasn’t something she’d given much thought. Han and Leia’s house was huge, so there were more than enough bedrooms for all of them, so the sleeping arrangements never really crossed her mind. Now that she thought about it, it was sort of natural to assume that was an option for them. 

She didn’t know how she felt about it. It was surely different from being around each other while they were awake, but sleeping next to each other took a certain amount of trust, at least in her opinion. It wasn’t that she didn’t trust Ben. She did, in fact trust him wholly, and sure there’d been a time when this wouldn’t have even been a question, but there had also been a time when they could have been considered an average couple. 

“It’s not.. a bad idea necessarily. I’m not saying no.” she crossed her arms over herself, and she could see a bit of hope shine though from Ben’s eyes. “I want to think about it first.” 

“Of course. Yes. Obviously, think about it as long as you want.” he nodded rapidly, and sunk back into the lounge chair. 

It was quiet, the only sounds were some birds singing in the apple tree that grew in Han and Leia’s backyard. 

“How do you imagine our lives would look like now? Without.. everything.” Rey wasn’t sure where the question popped into her mind. She curled her feet up, and propped on her side. 

She could see the way Ben’s mouth twitched, in a lopsided smile. 

“Honestly? Not much different.” he turned to mirror her position. It looked sort of funny, what with him already being quite massive on the chair as it was. 

“I think we’d be living in our old house. We’d have Dean. We’d meet with my parents ever so often. Live our lives, come home every night and just.. be. So no, not very different.” there was something incredibly soft in the way he was looking at her, something that made her heart beat a little faster than it did a moment ago. 

“That does sound nice..” it sounded incredibly domestic to her - something they’d both always wanted. A calm life in their own corner of the world. In a way Rey could see what he meant by it being not so different from now. They had the pieces, they only needed to build the puzzle. 

“But I’m happy as we are now.” 

Rey’s heart leaped again. 

“I wouldn’t have ever hoped to have everything back.. so yea, no I’m not going to pretend like I’m not happy, even if things are still all mixed up.” Ben shook his head, black tendrils falling over his eyes so that he had to brush them back. 

Rey fully agreed. 

“I’m happy too.” she said quietly, not remembering when was the last time she’d allowed herself to admit that out loud. She reached her hand gingerly between the two chairs, and watched Ben take a hold of her fingers with a soft smile on his face. 

  
  
  
  


***

  
  
  


Ben stirred from his sleep when he heard a knock on his door. 

“Yea?” he strained his neck up from his pillow, and watched Rey step from the dim hallway, inside his lit room. 

“Hi”, she whispered and closed the door as quietly as she could. 

She had on her pyjamas, long flannel pants and a long sleeved shirt. Ben imagined that it was probably all too warm to wear such heavy clothes, but he said nothing. She had her reasons for preferring clothes that covered up most of her, and Ben respected that. 

“Hi.. Is something wrong?” he rubbed his eyes for a moment before letting out a yawn. 

“I couldn’t sleep… what you said keeps spinning in my mind.” she waved her hand around in a vague circling motion, and paced around the small floor space. 

Ben got up so he was sitting against the headboard, keeping the blanket drawn over his boxers because he wasn’t sure how much coverage Rey was expecting to see. His t-shirt clad torso was nothing new, so that was allowed to show. 

“I thought about what you.. suggested- maybe we could try?” she wasn’t looking at him, but rather at the bed. 

Ben’s eyes widened. Somehow he hadn’t expected her to come to a conclusion this quickly, let alone one where she agreed. 

He let a smile tug the corners of his mouth up. 

“Okay.” 

Rey was hardly standing still, fidgeting. 

“Maybe- maybe we could just lay down for a bit and if it’s too much then we don’t have to push it?” Ben suggested, still wondering if he should get up and put on real pants, just to make her more comfortable.

Rey nodded, and the next thing he knew she was already on the other side of the bed, sitting above the covers, instead of under them. Ben didn’t know what to do, so he just laid back down, stiff from his spine like he was laying in a casket, arms folded over his stomach. 

Rey laid down too, now fully, and the air felt more than a little awkward, but not necessarily in a bad way.

Ben couldn’t hold in the giggles. 

“Why are you laughing?” Rey’s head twisted in his direction, and only made him laugh harder. His laughter was infectious because she was giggling too, a few seconds later. 

“I feel like a kid..” Ben covered his face with his palms. 

“What?”

“Well not a kid, but you know.. Not an adult.” he explained and tried to suffocate his laughter. “This feels like the first time we ever slept in the same bed. I was so nervous.” 

He saw from the corner of his eyes how her eyes shined a bit at the revelation. 

“You remember that?”

“Of course I remember. How could I forget? I was too nervous to even move so I laid there like an iron rod for the whole night.” 

“I remember I tried to cuddle you and you just laid there and took it like a punishment.” Rey’s voice was toned by a fond laughter. 

“I don’t know what you saw in me..” Ben admitted. He’d often wondered, and Rey never really had given an answer other than something playful. There might not have even been a reason, and honestly Ben was fine with that too. 

“Well I thought you were cute.” there it was - what she’d said so many times before. 

“Cute. Just what every guy wants to hear.” he nodded, half wishing to groan. 

“Yes. Especially your ears.”

Ben could feel the heat rising to the tips of his face, and he fought the urge to turn his back on her out of sheer embarrassment. It was miraculous how at his age, he was still self-aware of something like that. 

“Did you think I was cute?” she continued asking. 

Ben turned his face towards her, taking the battle head on even though he knew there wasn’t really winning. “I thought you were beautiful.”

He really liked how that got her a bit flustered. 

“That’s not the same thing.” she muttered. 

“They aren’t mutually exclusive. You can be both.” 

“Do you still think that?”

“Yes. All the time. That’s not even a question.” he said firmly, simply stating a fact. He saw Rey’s lip pinch between her teeth and her chest rise a bit faster for one single breath. Her hazel eyes dipped down from his eyes, and she definitely looked at his lips that time. Ben swallowed, turning to face the ceiling again, to remove himself from the unexpected direction. 

“I’m gonna go to sleep.” he announced, heart drumming against his sternum. Was it possible that this experience could be alright with Rey, but too much for him? It almost made him want to laugh again. “Is that alright? Are you comfortable?” he had to ask, just to be sure. 

Rey nodded, climbing under the covers herself. “I’m okay. This is.. actually really nice.”

“Good night then.”

“Good night.” 

Ben fell asleep easily. His stomach was fluttering with butterflies but that only made him feel good. 

  
  
  


If only it had lasted. 

Rey screamed like a fire alarm, right to his ear and Ben only barely dodged being hit. 

He scrambled to the opposite direction of her, falling off the edge of the bed to the floor so hard he’d definitely feel it in his muscles in the morning. 

Rey was staring at him with eyes blown wide and tears running down her face. She curled around herself, and panted in a mix of wheezing cries. 

“Rey- it’s alright, it’s just me- it’s just me.” Ben showed his hands to her like a criminal tossing his hands in the air. 

She didn’t look any less terrified. 

“It’s me. It’s Ben. Everything is okay. You’re safe.” he didn’t dare to get up from the floor. 

This wasn’t the first time this happened. She was less jumpy than a few months ago, but back in February she’d completely lost it when Han had accidentally surprised her. He hadn’t even meant to do it, he’d just walked from behind her and Rey’d freaked out. It was understandable, but always a terrifying experience for everyone involved. It had happened a couple times after that too - something, usually a surprise or an unwanted physical contact caused her to be thrown into a panic. 

“Rey- can you hear me?” Ben asked again. 

This time there was a response in the form of a nod. 

“I’m going to stand up now. And I’m going to sit right there, okay?” he pointed to the edge of the bed. 

Rey flinched when he moved, but Ben followed through in slow, calculated movements and sat on the edge of the bed, as far away from her as possible and in a way that she could see both his hands and his face. 

“Now I’m going to sit here, okay?” 

He’d done this before. Ben knew what to do and somehow he wasn’t even upset that this attempt had crashed and burned. On some level he’d known this wouldn’t be as simple as climbing under the covers and being done with it.He didn’t know what had happened, but he suspected that he might have turned in a way that woke her up, to his arm might have brushed against her so that, in her sleeping state, it caused the reaction. 

What followed was twenty minutes of Rey’s breathing heaving, as Ben waited patiently for her to calm down. He breathed with her, in calm inhales and exhales, counting out loud each breath and trying to make sure she matched the tempo. Ben had gotten instructions on what to do when she got like this, so he was prepared and ready to help her the best he could. It was scary, but it felt nice not being completely helpless and feeling like he was actually doing something to make her calm down faster. 

“You’re doing great. You’ve got this.” he said with a smile, as she started to relax, lowering from her defensive position to just sitting normally. 

“I thought you were-” Rey wheezed, not being able to complete the sentence. 

“I know, I know. It’s alright. It’s just us. He’s not going to bother you ever again.” 

Rey didn’t say anything to that, just nodded, wiping her nose and eyes to the back of her hand. It seemed like the worst of it was over for now. 

“You can stay here, I’ll sleep somewhere else.” Ben offered. 

“Not yet. Sit with me.” she asked, still shaking quite a bit. Ben was happy to do just that, to sit there and talk calmly until she was fully relaxed and able to lay back down. 

“I’ll go now. Is that okay?” Ben asked as he got up. Rey was curled under the covers, and she nodded.

Somehow as Ben switched rooms from his bedroom to Rey’s, he didn’t feel like that had been a complete failure. He’d known it wouldn’t be easy - and despite how things had turned, he didn’t feel like any harm had been done either. Now they knew what to expect, and that was something to work on. 

The past few months had truly changed Ben’s outlook on their situation. He was determined to make this work for them, and if that meant dealing with panic attacks and not being able to be close to the woman he loved, then so be it. Minor setbacks no longer meant nothing to him, when he didn’t expect anything to go the way he wanted it to go anyway. 

Another week passed just like that, without another attempt for them to sleep together. They’d talked about it in the morning, and both agreed that they should take a moment before trying that again - for both their sake. The good thing was that Rey still wanted to try again. It hadn’t been a bad experience for her, not per se. Having an episode was always scary, but that hadn’t been her main takeaway of the night, which truly helped ease Ben’s anxieties about the whole happening. 

Ben leaned against the headboard the next Sunday, a book in hand and glasses perched on his nose, reading in the light of the table lamp. 

The thing about his parents house was that there he actually liked staying up, because it evoked that part of his brain that was 10 and had a set bedtime. He was forty, but staying up way past midnight brought that inner child of his an odd sense of satisfaction. 

Rey hadn’t said anything about trying again that day, but a little past midnight there was a knock on the door that got Ben to lift his eyes from the yellow pages of the old book he’d found from his parents shelves. 

“Yea?” 

Rey stepped inside, this time in an ankle length, cotton nightgown, with a cartoon image of a duck saying “I don’t give a duck”, on the front. It was very obviously Leia’s old one, but it still made Ben want to chuckle. It had long sleeves, and the only thing not making it a shirt was the long hem. 

“Can I come in?” she asked, before closing the door. 

“Always.” Ben just said, turning a page in his book, as if this was very nonchalant business. 

Rey roamed further, and Ben already knew where she was going with this, but he decided to wait it out, let her speak for herself instead. She paced a little, before she just climbed where she’d previously been on the bed and sat there with her back against the headboard, so she too was sitting upright. 

“So I take it we’re trying again?” Ben closed the book and put it on the nightstand, not bothering to take off his reading glasses. 

“I don’t want to try again.” Rey’s voice was determined. “I don’t want to try anything. We’re doing this- because I want to be able to sleep next to you, so I’m just going to do it.” 

Ben let out a dry laugh, with no humor behind it. He scratched his brow. 

“I’m not sure it works like that, but sure.” he said, attempting to lay down, when Rey grabbed his arm. 

“Don’t lay down. I thought about it, I don’t want to be in a laying down position. That’s too.. it just doesn’t work for me.” she said, and Ben saw the fire in her eyes, the determination. The fire that seemingly gave her the ability to do anything. Somehow, Ben believed today might be different. 

“Alright. Then what do you want?” he turned slightly, to face her a bit better. 

Rey didn’t say anything. But she did look at him, and he could almost see the gears turning in her head. It was refreshing to see her so set on a goal. Maybe this was her goal of the day. It would have explained the sudden fervor. 

Her eyes softened, still no words coming out of her mouth. Her fingers came to tenderly press against his jaw, and Ben was too hesitant to object. She looked at his lips, before lifting her gaze up, looking at him through her thick lashes. 

“Kiss me.” Rey whispered so quietly Ben almost didn’t believe he’d heard her correctly. 

“What?” he drew back, brows turning up in surprise. His heart sped up immediately, fluttering in his chest like a hummingbird flapping its wings. 

“Please?” Rey’s eyes were huge and Ben couldn’t find anything in the way that she looked at him that indicated hesitation. Her pupils were wide and she didn’t shy away from meeting his gaze. 

Ben’s chest heaved. It was what he wanted but it felt like the biggest thing in the world to him. Something he only allowed himself to think about and not something he might actually experience. 

He strained his neck to press their lips together. It didn’t last for more than a second before he pulled back away, but even that incredibly small peck felt like electricity spreading through his body, like he’d touched a live wire. 

Rey didn’t look any less shocked. She sucked in a sharp breath through her nose and exhaled just as quickly. Her cheeks flamed a beautiful peachy red and then she just nodded, pinching her lips together in a way that looked like she was suppressing an ear wide smile. 

“How was that?” Ben turned his face to look at the opposite wall. He leaned back enough to rest fully against the headboard Rey did the same - she didn’t look at him, but her back rested next to his. 

“That was nice. It was good. I’m not- I’m not freaked out.” she said, calmly, professionally like that brief kiss had been a part of a social experiment. In a way Ben supposed it had. 

“That’s a relief..” 

“I mean you were a little rusty but we can work on that.” her hand moved to squeeze his where it rested between them and Ben could not hold back the laugh that bubbled inside him. 

He adored the moments when Rey joked. It reminded him that as much as she’d been hurt, she was still the same person underneath. They had plenty of work ahead of them, but hearing her joke and laugh felt like a reward for everything they’d already done. 

“I’ll try to remember that”, Ben smirked, squeezing her hand back with his. “But for real.. Are you alright?” 

That time he did look at her, and she tilted her head up. Her freckled cheeks were still a bit blushed, but more than that she was smiling. 

“I’m alright.” she said and pressed her head to his shoulder. It felt like a reassuring thing she did, like she was showing him that she was still comfortable with him. Ben’s heartbeat slowed as he calmed down, allowing the part of him that was anxious about the kiss to fade away. 

  
  
  


***

  
  
  


Leia woke up at dawn. It was her routine. She got up with the sun and made her way to the kitchen to brew coffee. Then she’d spent the few hours watching morning television and catching up on the news. 

At nine in the morning, if Rey hadn’t gotten up she’d go wake her and remind her to take her medication around that time. 

That was the case on that particular day too, as she gently knocked on Rey’s bedroom door before opening it. 

The bed was empty. 

Leia lifted her brows in surprise, but wasn’t immediately alarmed. He peeked to Dean’s room but the boy was sound asleep, not a sight of Rey. 

“What’s wrong?” Han asked, climbing up the stairs just as Leia closed the door to Dean’s bedroom. 

“Nothing. Was Rey downstairs?”

“Didn’t see her. I think she’s still sleeping.”

“I can’t find her.” Leia scrunched her brows. She looked to Ben’s door and sighed. That still remained an option, but it felt unlikely. 

She knocked before opening the door. She could see from under the door that the lights were on, but that never meant that Ben would be awake. 

“Ben, have you seen Rey, it's time for her medication-"

Leia peeked her head through the door, only to snap her lips shut. She looked over her shoulder and waved to Han.

"Did you find her?" he asked, but Leia lifted a finger on her lips as a sign that he should be quiet. 

Han scrunched his face in confusion and walked to the door, peeking his head next to hers. 

Rey and Ben sat side by side on Ben's bed, her head against his shoulder, his head on top of hers. Rey's knees were curled up so she half laid against Ben's side, their hands twined together in the middle. Ben's mouth was slightly open, both their faces smooth from worry, relaxed in sleep.

Han brought a hand on Leia's hip and smiled, kissing the top of her head.

"Now that takes me back.." he whispered to her hair. 

Leia nodded. 

Ben and Rey had had a habit of falling asleep on each other, on the sofa, in his bed. The strangest bit of it was that they were always sitting upright as if they’d fallen asleep mid-conversation. 

"Old habits die hard.." Leia smirked and took Han's hand, closing the door quietly. "What's another 10 minutes? They've earned it." 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There. I can't believe this, but we're in the clear. Now just sit back and nurse on the comfort as I bottle feed that shit to you. Pats on everyone's back for making it this far and for not burning me alive in the process. 
> 
> So yeah, as we can see, there's still a lot of trauma and stuff to work through, but I personally don't mind that. I don't expect these characters to ever 100% heal from everything they went through, and I don't think that's even necessary for them to have their happy ending. They'll continue to heal from this, but I don't think that's the point here. The point for me is the will and want to be together, to love each other and to live and enjoy life despite their trauma. This story for me is about fighting the odds and overcoming. It's okay if the road is bumpy as long as you can see the light at the end of the tunnel. 
> 
> This has been a terrifying and anxiety ridden ride for me, and probably for some of you too. One more chapter to go and then an epilogue of some sort. Yes, I added a chapter because I realised I hadn't accounted for it, but that will just be something short and sweet, so not even a full length chapter. So technically we only have one more "real" chapter left. 
> 
> Thank you for reading, stay safe and be good to each other ♥


	14. Chapter 14

“Nervous?” 

Han entered through the bedroom door, hands tucked neatly in his front pockets. The sigh made Rey smile. Han cleaned up nicely in slacks, a collared shirt and a blazer. It seemed impossible that anything could make her upset on that day but nevertheless her answer to that question was a serious yes, but only in the good ways one could be nervous. 

“You mean more than the first time?” she turned to the mirror and dabbed lipstick on, just a soft coat of a neutral pink that basically matched her own lip color anyway. 

Her hair was done in loose curls that flowed freely on her shoulders, and she was wearing an ankle length dress with a flowy hem and sleeves. It looked more like a summer dress than a wedding dress - mostly because it was. Rey’d not initially wanted a white dress, but once she refused to go to the bridal shop with Leia and instead ordered a cheap dress online the least she could do was indulge her that much. 

Right now, she didn’t regret it. There was something about the all-white that made her stomach flutter. There was nothing pure or virginal about her, at least in her own opinion, but then again she’d been neither pure or a virgin at her first wedding either, so it didn’t feel out of place. It worked only to put her in the right mindset. 

Han chuckled warmly before walking further into the room, and came to stand next to her. His eyes traveled over her and a fond expression formed on his face. 

“I didn’t think I’d be doing this twice.” he said. 

Rey imagined that he probably hadn’t thought he’d be doing it even once - walking anyone down the aisle, since he only had one son. She remembered asking him the first time, and she’d never seen Han quite so moved. 

“You and me both.” Rey smirked and bumped Han playfully with her elbow. 

“Is he nervous?” Rey continued. It felt like a ridiculous idea, getting cold-feet at this point, but you never knew. 

“Hmm not really. Or well, I had to handcuff him to the radiator but that’s fine, isn’t it.” the corner of Han’s mouth tugged as he joked. 

“Oh good, so there’s no way he’ll run off.” Rey laughed. Not that Ben had any place to run anyway, they were literally at Han and Leia’s house, the backyard decorated to fit the setting with fairy lights and flowers. It was classy, but simple, much like their first wedding had been. 

“He did ask me to send you this.” Han took a tiny box from his pocket, and handed it to Rey. 

She looked at it curiously, it was made of velvet fabric and she stroked a finger over the lid before snapping it open. 

“Something blue.” Han said softly and looked at the silver necklace with a butterfly made out of blue gems on it. 

“It’s mine.” Rey looked up and somehow felt a whole new wave of emotions cross over herself. 

“It is?”

“I don’t remember where I got it.. Ben always loved it when I wore it. I can’t believe he still had it.” Rey took the tiny piece of jewelry and allowed Han to put it on her. The butterfly sat safely in the dip of her collar, like it had in her memories. 

“He kept a lot of things. Or hid, I suppose is the better word. Leia was pretty brutal when we started to get rid of your things.” Han’s voice carried a tone of sadness, but his face was still smiling, patting a hand over Rey’s back. The pressure was firm and soothing, and reminded Rey how far they’d come. 

She had what felt like a thousand milestones behind her, and yet there were countless ahead, the difference being that they didn’t feel as daunting now as they had before - one right in front of her. 

Legally speaking, she and Ben hadn’t been married anymore when she came back, what with her having been declared deceased. They’d gotten it handled quickly at the courthouse, but as the end of summer approached, Leia had made it clear that she wanted to hold a ceremony - just a renewing of the vows with no outsiders, but something for them to remember. 

Rey agreed. They’d been doing pretty well after all. The whole of spring and summer had been so hectic for all of them, her, Dean, Ben, and Han and Leia as well. There’d been countless hours of therapy that had started to feel numbing and even like a punishment after a while, when she felt no different after months of working on herself. It felt like they needed some nice memories to be able to look fondly back to this time in their lives.

She knew the tiring work had been there for a reason, because as much as she liked to claim that she was feeling better, this time she actually was. She believed there would be setbacks and downfalls ahead of them, but she knew they were strong enough to get past them. 

“Is everything ready?” 

It was Leia now, peeking her head through the door. 

Rey twisted around and nodded. Everything was as it was supposed to be. 

The sun was just setting, and it shined nicely to the backyard creating a warm, orange glow to the air. Gentle music played in the air as she walked behind Han to the porch. They’d made a short aisle in the middle of the yard with lights and flowers. On the other end of it was a small altar - it looked like Leia had gone all out on the decorations. 

Dean was there in his little suit, which was quite frankly adorable, though he had grown up a lot during the past year, almost half a foot, looking more and more like his father with every passing day. 

“Wow, look at you, love, so handsome.” Rey beamed at him, but still straightened the bowtie on his neck. 

“Mom, don’t…” he squirmed, blushing up to his ears. Rey had no doubt he was his father’s son, always red in his ears when he got embarrassed. 

“She’s right.” 

Rey turned at that, seeing how Ben walked from the inside and stopped at her side, hand pressing against the small of her back in a way that felt like an unconscious move. 

“Very sharp”, he nodded and corrected how Dean’s collar was positioned. 

“Not you too”, Dean scoffed, and ran out of reach to go bother Han instead. Rey couldn’t take her eyes off Ben. She hadn’t seen him all dressed up the entire time, and it was a whole new experience - no matter how old he got, those shoulders only benefited from a well fitted suit jacket. He had a white collared shirt and slacks, no tie or a bow, but the outfit didn’t need any of those. 

“Am I handsome?” his lips curled up when he noticed her staring. Rey wrinkled her nose at him, and took the liberty to smooth out the creases of his jacket as well. 

“For an old man, sure.” she looked right up at him and graced her fingertips against his graying temples. He didn’t look old, not necessarily, but his hair hadn’t gotten the memo - not that she was much better than that, with her own few grey stripes here and there. 

“We’re the same age, Rey.” 

“I wear it better.” 

Ben’s mouth tugged in a smirk and he leaned in to her ear. She could just about feel his lips brushing up against her, warm breath tickling her momentarily. 

“I’d rather you wear nothing.”

Rey felt her breath hitch for just a second, and then Ben was already further away from her, a teasing but cautious expression on his face, scoping out her reaction that came in the form of her blushing cheeks. 

“Shut up.” she murmured and pushed him off, gently enough for him to know she wasn’t actually mad. 

What came to their relationship on that front, well, progress had been made but sex in the traditional sense hadn’t. Rey didn’t know what it was exactly that was holding her back from it - objectively she knew rape and sex had very little to do with each other, and she knew she’d most likely enjoy the experience, but she was still fearful. 

They’d kept sleeping in the same bed after the first time, whenever the opportunity arose, and that had progressed to more kissing, less clothes, and curious but tentative touches passed between them in the quiet of their bedroom. The natural progression would have been sex but it didn’t make it any less daunting. Rey didn’t know how she’d react, what that could trigger in her. Then there was Ben and though he claimed that his parts worked  _ enough _ , Rey wasn’t sure if he was just saying that to feel better about himself. She was still open to the idea, it didn’t make her gut squeeze with disgust, as it once had, but with excitement, but also with a healthy sense of wariness. 

She brushed those thoughts away when Han came to nudge Ben towards the other end of their short aisle and looped his arm with Rey’s. 

“Ready?” 

“As I’ll ever be.” she nodded and momentarily leaned her temple to Han’s shoulder, before they began the short walk from the porch to the end of their backyard. 

With her stomach filled butterflies, Rey felt much like she wasn’t walking at all, but floating through the pathway, unable to take her eyes off Ben. 

His smile was soft, not an ear-wide grin but he held her gaze like he wasn’t about to ever look away, like he couldn’t believe she was even there. Rey knew, because that was exactly what she was feeling. She was afraid to blink, fearful that it would all disappear, Ben, Han, Leia, all of it. So she didn’t blink, just felt her knees tremble, hoping and knowing that there would be someone to catch her if she fell. 

Ben took the last few steps to meet them before the altar. Han brought Rey’s hand to himself, and kissed her knuckles before handing it to Ben. 

“Take care of her”, Han patted his son on the back, and though it sounded like a joke, in a way, they all knew it wasn’t. 

“I will”, Ben nodded to his father, before looping his arm with Rey’s. She felt the urge to collapse her weight on him, hoping his legs weren’t quite as jelly as her’s were. 

It was maybe four steps from where they were standing to the middle of the small altar, but it was also the longest walk Rey’d ever taken, each step equally terrifying and exciting. She didn’t know what it was, nothing was going to change just because of this ceremony but it felt like it would. 

In the middle of the altar, they stood across from each other, fingers twined between them. 

The music in the background faded to almost nothing, and Rey held Ben’s eyes as he chewed on his lips. 

“Rey..” he began, clearly nervous, his voice trembling in his throat. “I’m not.. I’m not very good at giving speeches or anything like that- and that’s probably never going to change. I thought long and hard about what I wanted to tell you and.. I don’t think I can summarize all those things enough to ever be done. So you’ll probably have to keep hearing them forever.” He laughed a bit, and Rey could see how his throat bobbed with a swallow. “But- I guess my point is that, we’ve been through so much- alone and together, and I still consider myself the luckiest man on earth, because of where we’re standing now. I love you, more than anything- and I’ll spend the rest of my life proving that.” 

He exhaled, and turned to look at the sky, blinking hard. His hands were shaking so much Rey feared he might be the one to collapse instead of her. She squeezed tighter, and bit back the tears rising in her eyes. 

She truly believed she was lucky to have found someone like Ben to stand with her. After all they’d experienced, she didn’t have to fear if there would be a limit, something that would be the last straw. There’d been a time when she thought he was her rock, but she was realising he depended on her just as much as she did, and in that moment she promised herself to live up to that.

“Ben.” she hadn’t realised how nervous she was before she had to talk. Now, the words were about to get stuck in her throat and she had to push them out by force. 

“When we met, I knew pretty quickly that I’d found someone special. I couldn’t wait to begin a life together, and it’s been longer than I thought it would take, but I still wake up every day and hope that we’ll get to ride off into the sunset. And- well, we’re not riding anywhere, but it’s sunset and I think that’s pretty close.” she allowed herself to grin, holding Ben’s eyes. His face was nearly glowing in the warm light. “There was a time when all I wanted was to hear your voice just one more time, and now I get to hear it every day, and it only reminds me of how much I love you.” 

Ben’s lips trembled, but he didn’t look away. Rey wiped her eyes, not caring if her mascara smudged or not. She realized she hadn’t actually said those three words to him after her return. Still, they were easy to say, because she knew they were true. 

She nodded to Dean, who, with a smile on his face, walked to the altar and got a ring box out of his pocket, with two simple silver bands. 

Ben took the box, and leaned down to kiss Dean on the head before he ran back to Han and Leia. 

Rey let him fit the ring on her finger, and then switched, so she could put his on as well. Rey took a moment to admire the silver band on her left hand - she hadn’t had a ring. She’d lost her original one, and though Ben now had two, it didn’t make a difference. 

Rey turned her eyes up, already feeling the heat on her cheeks, as she tried to hold back the coy sort of smile on her face. 

“Can I?” Ben whispered, under his breath. Though Rey was more alright with contact every passing day, he still always hesitated before kissing her - something Rey appreciated even though it was getting unnecessary. 

“If you don’t, I will.” she beamed, and tossed her hands behind Ben’s neck before he could do anything, and pulled him down to a kiss sweet as sugar, and Rey felt like warm honey flowed inside her belly, with each passing second that she kissed him, and Ben kissed her back. 

He pulled away almost too soon for Rey’s liking, but made up for it by kissing her forehead instead, both hands cupping her face and just pressing his nose against her hairline for a few seconds, before letting go. 

The rest of the night went smoothly, with music playing and food prepared. They ate outside, until the sun had completely set and it was getting a bit too chilly to stay there. 

Dean fell asleep in the corner of the sofa. Rey followed along when Ben gathered the boy up in his arms and carried upstairs and tucked in bed. 

He remained seated on the edge of his bed, and smoothed Dean’s black locks of hair out of his face. Ben tilted his head so he was looking at Rey. 

“I don’t know if I’ve said this, but thank you.” 

“For what?” she asked, coming to stand next to him, where she could press her hand to his shoulder. He wasn’t shaking, but there was something fragile in the way that he looked at her. 

“For everything. For.. letting me back. You didn’t have to. If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t have any of this. Not you. Not Dean. Nothing to look forward to. I don’t know how much longer I could have gone on if- if you hadn’t come back when you did.” 

Rey remained quiet. She knew Ben had gone through a rough time, but he didn’t actually talk that much about it to her.

She stepped close enough to draw his head against her side, stroking her fingers through his hair much like he was petting Dean. 

“Let’s go. Big day tomorrow.” she bent down to whisper to his ear. 

Ben’s face scrunched up. “What’s tomorrow?” 

Rey smiled warmly, before pressing her lips to Ben’s hairline. Her voice was but a whisper, but filled with sureness. 

“The future.” 

  
  
  


Rey woke up to the early morning rays of light casting stripes over the bed. She yawned and stretched, only to notice that she was being hugged from the middle by Ben. 

A six months ago that would have alarmed her. Today, it was a comfort. 

She turned, taking in Ben’s sleeping face, how his mouth was a bit open, and how he looked much younger with his face all relaxed. 

She traced the moles on his skin, until his face scrunched up, and he slowly blinked himself awake.

“Good morning, Mrs Solo.” he said quietly, in a voice that was still low and raspy from sleep. His eyes were just barely open, but even at the first crack of his lids, a deep smile bloomed on his face. 

“Good morning, Mr Solo.” Rey returned his joke, and quickly pecked the tip of his nose, before snuggling him so his face was tucked under her chin, and she could feel his warm breathing against her bare skin. 

It was still too early to get up, on the first day of the rest of their life. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe it's over. This was a journey to say the least, and honestly I've loved every second of it. 
> 
> Thank you for reading! ♥♥ Stay safe and healthy :)


	15. Epilogue

For a long time Dean Solo didn’t know what to tell people when they asked about his life. He assumed they expected a sob story, something that would make anyone hearing his tale feel bad for him. 

So when someone asked, he told them the following: 

The first years of his life, he lived in a hole in the ground. It was a haunted place, one that he didn’t want to remember. 

The first time he felt like he was alive was on a cold November night when he saw the stars for the first time. After that, everything that had been before had become irrelevant. How could he care about what happened in his past when there was so much more around him. 

He had a mother, someone who’d taken care of him his whole life, no matter where they were, and asked nothing in return. She was the image of compassion, someone Dean admired, and hoped to be when he grew up. 

He had a father. Dean had heard his mom talk about him before, but it was not until he met him that he understood what she’d been saying. It was from him that Dean learned that there were people out there who could love him as unconditionally as his mother had so far. 

He had grandparents, who were there for them, carrying them even when they were about to fall, and gave them the opportunity to return the love and care when it was their turn to need it. 

For the briefest moment, he’d had a sister. Someone he’d never met but someone he was no less thankful for, because she’d brought their family together. 

So no, Dean didn’t understand why people expected a sad story from him. He had everything he didn’t know he wanted. 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank everyone who has stuck with this story. I owe everything to you. I don't think I could have done this without the constant support in the comments, all kudos and just every interaction that has come with this fic. 
> 
> As I've said many times I've not written a dark fic before, but I feel like I might do that again in the future because this has been a blast. I thought I had a lot of things to say, but now that I'm writing this, I feel like my mind is blanking. This has been one amazing journey, and I'm so thankful for everyone who has read this story, be it now or in the future. If you're reading this, thank you so much. ♥
> 
> Once and for all, thank you for reading and stay safe ♥♥

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading!  
> I'd love to know your thoughts and comments, I love replying to them ♥


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